#detransgender

At the time of writing this, I'm 21, started my medical and social transition from ftm at 12, and after 8-ish years of testosterone I'm now fully off HRT.

I lived virtually my entire life, thus far, as a trans man.

Before anyone reading comes to their own conclusions, no I was not groomed, and I love the trans community. I grew up with y'all. Queer spaces are where I've felt most at home.

There's a level of grief I'm experiencing, grief that I feel so, so alone on. The moment I could finally reconcile with the fact that I was never trans... who I could've been, and who I ended up being has been a daily thought.

As someone still grappling with the tail end of an eating disorder and body dysmorphia, my physical reality is incredibly isolating. On my worst days, I feel like a monster. Like some horrible amalgamation of mixed parts. Far from acceptable. Anything but beautiful.

I do my best to not, but there is a subconscious jealousy and ever-present comparison to other women, cis and trans alike.

Detransitioners are such a niche. I've never met another person like me, and it's difficult to even spot anyone similar online. If I do, they often come with horribly radical and harmful beliefs, or haven't experienced the near full extent of a transition you regret.

And it's more than physical.

It's social, it's mental.

I was born a woman, born with the parts, share the same struggles, yet feel like an intruder in women's spaces. Like there's nothing I could ever do to be "woman enough".

I lived 8-9 long years as a transgender person, desperately trying to understand myself, to be myself, whatever that meant at the time, yet there are a large enough number of queer people who see people like me not as family, but as a traitor.

I see my community minimizing the detrans experience by telling us we not only don't belong in trans spaces, but we can't claim to understand the trans experience, and we don't even deserve our own safe spaces or labels.

I'm hearing that we're just cis people who made a mistake. That just our existence is responsible for the death of trans men and women who couldn't find access to medical care.

But I've been through the same wringer every other trans person has.

I spent my entire childhood objectified, judged, questioned, harassed, sexually assaulted, bullied for being trans.

I've been called all the same names and slurs.

Growing up in a time and place where being trans was fairly "new", I was completely othered. Either outcasted or treated like a freak of nature to observe and test.

I've lost family due to my identity. I've moved cross-country after being pushed out of the local medical system.

I know that in a very technical sense I am cis but I still feel far from it. I know I'm not trans but my experiences have shaped me into something trans-like, or maybe completely other.

I'm a woman, not a man, not some form of nonbinary, but I'm also not cisgender.

Do I still, truly not belong? If trans people aren't my family, then who is?

I don't know if even an ounce of this makes sense to anyone but myself, and that's exactly why I'm writing about my experiences here.

I'm not looking to make enemies, or to start discourse around detransitioning. I have my thoughts on the medical system but I'm not here to preach. I don't hate trans people, I don't want to keep anything from trans people, every one of you deserves nothing but respect and peace.

I just want to stop feeling so isolated. I want to belong somewhere. I want to be understood. I want to be discussed, in a human to human kind of way.

I’m questioning it, but I don’t know where to go about it.

I have nearly the entire tag blocked because of the absolutely vile shit so many detransitioners say about trans people. Like, it’s so disgusting. Not to mention the TERF rhetoric around aros and aces is fucking horrible (I’m aroace myself) (or at least I think I am. but I know these people would try to convince me it’s just trauma) (am I allowed to have nothing to myself. no aspect untouched by my shitty life. fuck that)

Even if I don’t end up being trans, I spent over three years identifying as trans. I do have some amount of community with them. I don’t want them slandered.

I’m probably some flavor of NB, but thinking about that gives me a headache. The details are blurry. I just know I don’t like being on hormones and I don’t want them anymore and I do have regret even though you’re really not supposed to because that’s supposedly conservative propaganda.

you're allowed to regret any choice you've ever made, anon. saying that it should be banned because of that regret is conservative, and saying that everyone regrets it is conservative, but you can feel however you want about your personal transition, and that should not be up for debate.

you're still welcome in the trans community and you're still loved and accepted at any stage in your de/transition.

i'd highly recommend checking out r/actual_detrans for a positive and supportive environment, unfortunately the rest of reddit is kind of a cesspool (found r/detransparents and. jesus christ. withdrawing financial aid and calling grown adults children and autistic adults babies.... god in heaven). but that sub rocks, and on tumblr you can check out @detransitioningisvalid and @detrans-starter-pack! both awesome resources

I’m continuing on my medical transition, possibly socially de/retransitioning. I feel like a woman and I want a flat chest and a small penis. I want to be hairy and muscular while wearing a dress and makeup. My wants might change, but for now I’m happy with my path and I know that whatever I want to do is possible no matter what changes.

Also I don’t know if this is an “incorrect” thing to say but I’m a woman who wants my straight relationship with a man to look gay. I don’t know if I’m still queer but I’m odd and that’s fine too. I hope life works out well! Got some work to do now, bye 👋

I know I'll be alright when I stop in the long run, and im comfortable enough being the weird one to everyone that it won't effect me for too long.

But I also know that when the time comes that im fully off HRT, I want to be a voice for detransitioning and still being trans - that your transition is your transition, no matter how much people try and police it. It's just rather very scary in the mean time.

i am a de-tboy and proud!! i use she/they!! i dont fit the gender binary!! get fucked society!!! queer discourse is useless!! i suddenly love myself bc i know what i am and you have no part in that!!!

thank you. really. from the bottom of my heart.