#derealizing

issues with derealizing 

 dont know SHIT. (emphasis on not knowing shit...navigating theory/critical thoughts)

i don’t know shit and i don’t like anything  ( /: ... ): not true but feels true! one step worse than #1)

i don’t know SHIT and no one likes me !! ^ ^ ^ BE VERY CAREFUL. this is the dynamic that makes my derealization bother me the most imo because it may be tru but it`s self-defeat+codep. X X X 

i don’t know shit, no one likes me, AND i don’t like anything either so there’s nothing i can do | { can be about things in life } | ; { can be about potentially enjoying when i critically have conversations with myself } | ; { can be about myself and my endeavours } | ; {can be about me period AKA how much i am willing to accept of how i make think look act seem to be and can see things and generally be WORTH things to other human people} | “there’s nothing i can do and anybody who minds me or protects me thinks i’m a child and protesting is useless because i am and i deserve to be neglected/hated”

                                                            x.x

Overall issue is : “ there’s nothing i can do”

Graduating to I can do something but I need to do it kamikaze-style is really bad too!

<I hope someone reads this. I need comfort.>

It was so odd and I blame tumblr. So I recently came across those blogs worshiping Cruz, the shooter in Florida. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. They were making memes of him and just worshipping him or ‘falling’ for him. Anywho.

Does anyone have very vivid dreams?

I have them that feel like I’m there and it’s real. It fucks me up so badly because when I wake up I feel like then I am in a dream. My body isn’t mine and i start to wonder if my reality is a dream or my dream is a reality.

I had a really bad on yesterday, a nightmare, and I woke up having a panic attack and now I’m really dizzy and I’m just walking around work, and my hands aren’t my hands and my feet aren’t my feet. I’m making it worse because i keep panicking but I can’t stop because the dream from last night keeps replaying and it’s still so vivid in my mind.

This is fucking me up so badly. Especially because it keeps replaying in my head and I keep trying to do different things and I’m just day dreaming and it’s making me feel worse because I keep adding more on to it and make this a true thing like a small world in my head. But I don’t want it.

So I’m gonna tell my dream.... hopefully this will help me get it out my system.

So, I had this dream that I was in school. Now take in mind I’m not in school nor college so I don’t know what I was doing in school. If I was younger or me in college, but it looked like a high school set up.

So I walk in to the school, and we were having exams. At first the dream was about me trying I get to class to my old English teacher who I love and is a the best person in the world. [him and I still talk from time to time and he’s really sweet and supportive]. So I’m looking for him and I get lost. The thing is I’ve been in this school before, not my old school but a school I’ve dreamt of before, so I get lost like I did the first time I was there. And I’m trying to find him and his classroom and I can’t. So I start panicking. I’m running around and I feel like I need to be there. Somehow I find it. I get it and next to me is my best friend. Or friend. Whatever she is now.

So we’re sitting in the classroom I’m talking to my teacher and idk if we don’t take the test or if I can’t rmember us taking the test. But it was like a thing where we have to wait till everyone finishes like everyone in the hall.

So we finish and then we’re all talking quietly and someone is playing music. why in the fuck is it gummo or whatever it’s called by tekashi69. Ive only heard the song once but I knew what it was. And we’re sitting there. And all of a sudden I start hearing something. And I knew what it was but I didn’t.

Now before I go I to what is about to happen. In no way am I trying to say this is how it happens or know how it happens. I’m not trying to put myself in the shoes of the victims of gun violence or anything like that. The dream I guess came out of terror.

So we’re sitting all in a circle now our desk next to each other and behind us is a wall full of windows. Glass, curtains are up. I tell whoever is playing the music to turn it down and as soon as I do, the bullet goes through our window and hits someone in the shoulder. All I rmember was throwing my arm around my friends neck and slamming both of us to the ground with the chairs. And just like that I hear screaming and people not fast enough to get to the floor or the people trying to find each other; and they get hit. They slump to the floor and I’m freaking out.

The guy who was sitting next to me falls to the side, slumped. Idk if he’s dead or dying but all I see is the blood coming out of his neck. And I go for it. I spread it over my self and then go to cover my friend and her shirt. She’s cruing and I tell her to lay down, and act dead. I somehow get this guy over her and tell her to please please not get up or make movements.

The shots haven’t stopped but are far away and everyone around me is crying or in utter shock. And then the door opens. And I see this guy. It’s not Cruz but I also don’t know him. And he looks at me and I know i somehow know him (like in the dream world) and somehow I feel like he knows me. He knows me. And I feel like he has something against me.

Also I blame this on unsane because the movie also fucked me up. Like men killing people around you that you lov e (?) because they love you.

So I see him and he walks over to me and I’m laying on the floor and he knows. He knows I’m faking and injury and he sees my friend next to him. And everyone around us is terrified. No one is moving. And idk how I don’t know why but he stabs her. In front of me. Even though she looks like she’s dead. And i hear the gasp come out of her mouth and i see his eyes and I wake up.

I woke up in full panic attack mode. I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t see straight. I was dizzy.

But then I started feeling worse. I am worse because I don’t feel like I’m here. My head is so fuzzy. Everything is moving on slow motion. I keep trying to make myself have like sensations on my hands. But my eyeballs feel like someone Stuck them in this strangers head.