you can practice harm reduction while still using substances! changing your substance use directly is a great way to reduce harm - tapering down, using a safe supply, not mixing substances together, etc - but it's also okay if that's not where you're at.
there are so many other parts of your life that you can still bring positive change to. you can engage in hobbies more. you can be more cost-effective when you buy substances. you can practice self-compassion. you can clean your living space.
anything in your life that you can make work better for you counts as harm reduction. anything you add that gives you joy safely counts as harm reduction. any habits you kick that have held you back counts as harm reduction.
you don't have to be abstinent to start recovery. you are allowed to exist as a full person outside of your substance use. you matter, and you are the expert on you. you deserve to be proud of yourself for any of your accomplishments, no matter what anyone else says or thinks!
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telling people to "be grateful" for the good things they have when they live(d) a traumatic life often misses the mark completely
being depressed is a natural and understandable response to trauma. it's not an issue of whether the person is grateful for what they have or not. it's not an issue fo character.
it's about human, emotional pain. it's about how they've lost hope for themselves. telling someone who's lost that to be grateful for things outside themselves can be deeply invalidating.
sometimes what someone needs isn't a reminder to be grateful for the good things they have. sometimes people need to be reminded that they deserve the good things they have, in spite of all the bad things that happened to them.
trauma can leave you with sense of worthlessness or helplessness. you think it's your fault. you think you should be better than this. you think no one can or will help you. you forget that people really can & do love you.
gratitude comes after believing you actually deserve any of the good things "you should feel grateful" for in the first place. happiness and joy come from there. you don't get any of that if you just moralize someone else's distress.
people deserve to feel like they matter and their pain is seen with depth - not just the same toxic positivity over and over. self-gratitude is important too.
i think one of the most damaging things i was told in AA was that i was the common denominator in all my problems (i.e, trauma & injustices). i remember the first time someone said it to me. i'll never forget the feeling of heartbreak and betrayal and how it was swiftly replaced by thoughts like "i guess they're right. i am the problem." i think i just mumbled softly "yeah" or "oh" in reply.
like. they say not to wallow in pity or guilt or whatever, that addiction isn't a moral issue, etc etc. but then say shit like that. i've flat out been told that i'm the problem. and every time, it's said so happily and earnestly - as if they're just being a good, honest friend who wants to help. and i think they truly believe that's what they're doing.
but. shit, man. after my ex DARVO'd me a few weeks ago i was a sobbing mess, repeating to myself over and over that i'm the problem. now. i'm seeing how many times i used the things I learned in AA to blame myself for feeling hurt by literally anything he said or did. i thought i deserved it. i genuinely thought i deserved it. it even had me blaming myself for shit my dad does again.
fucked as hell man =/ self-empowerment is so much better than treating myself like a walking sin, inherently broken and in need of saving. i deserve better than that.
sincerely fuck 12 step. the 4th step (the moral inventory) is all about looking for your part in the resentments you have against other people/places/things/etc. for my stepwork that meant looking for where i was selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or displaying any of the 7 deadly sins. my sponsor told me that sometimes our only part in it is that we're "holding on to it."
and so. i went through every traumatic thing that happened to me. TW for abuse & violence (CSA included)
i found ways i was selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, angry, prideful, jealous, or slothful. it also involved me looking for where i wronged people i resented, no matter how much they hurt me. there were 200 entries on my list of resentments. this included my "resentment" against my abusive father. it included my bigotted family.
it also included my aunt, who.. repeatedly violently SA'd me. she potentially made CSAM of me and choked me. i was around 4 or 5 years old. she could have killed me.
the next part of my stepwork, which i was not told about until i got up to it, would have been to do a sex inventory. i asked why i wasn't allowed to know more about it, and my sponsor asked me if i would have done any of this (the program) if i had known what it entailed. i said no.
it hurt, but i figured it was all for my best interest. i thought i was doing what i had to do to heal and recover, that god would save me if i did what they said. that never happened... so i saved me instead.
i did not deserve to be treated that way. i did not deserve to have my trauma history turned into a moral issue. i did not deserve to be manipulated. and i most certainly did not deserve to be led to believe that the 12 steps were my only hope and without them i would drink, which meant certain death.
that's not healing. that's not recovery. that's spiritual abuse and incredibly re-traumatizing. i would rather be high while having compassion for myself, than be sober while hating myself.
abstinence is not required for me to be in recovery. i am in recovery from more than just substances. and i will recover as slowly and messily as i fucking please.
it's nice that it took 3-4 months of being out of 12 step (which i was in for over a year) to finally realize what it means for relapse to be part of recovery, instead of a setback.
in the rooms i'd hear "if you're not working on your recovery, you're working on your relapse." and "working on your recovery" meant not just taking care of yourself, but doing the steps, doing service, praying, getting right with God, etc.
it's such a backwards view of things. people don't just stop taking of themselves for no reason, and not everyone is going to find a rigorously spiritual approach conductive.
someone who isn't doing well (mentally, socially, physically, or spiritually) isn't struggling because they're inherently self-centered and turning their back on god. they're struggling because there is something wrong! treating addiction like a flaw in the individual is so fucking harmful!
i just ugh!! we live in a society where people are neglected and abused and otherwise taken advantage of en masse! people are scrambling for scraps, working themselves to death, being left to suffer in traumatic environments, dealing with poverty, living in the ever-present fear of financial ruin!
that is not self-centeredness! that is a core issue in our society that is hurting people. so no! people who use drugs are not the problem. people who struggle in abstinence are not the problem. that kind of logic KILLS PEOPLE. that is part of why some people following a 12 step recovery approach (or deprogramming from one) KILL THEMSELVES. and NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT.
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i think maybe i should stop telling myself i'm using my chronic pain "as an excuse" to use drugs. maybe, just maybe.. i understate and minimize how much pain i am in on the daily. maybe expecting myself to be sober when drugs are the only thing that make my chronic pain manageable is, in a way, cruel.
maybe it's time to let go of the idea that substance use is universally bad for me and there can't be anything worthwhile in it. maybe the idea that using never makes anything better doesn't have to be something that rings true for me. maybe it was wrong for 12 step to encourage me to make a martyr of myself by coming off all my pain medications cold turkey.
i cannot control the fact i have chronic pain. my chronic pain is relentlessly severe, constantly present, and only continues to worsen. i currently do not have the tools i need to improve my quality of life, because those tools cost money that i don't have. i don't have that money because i can't work because i'm disabled.
suffering is not a virtue. it is not my fault that i have been driven to this again. i am doing my best, and i am grateful to myself for using. it saved my life, and has allowed me to function & experience physical comfort. it is okay for me to focus on getting through the day and doing what i can to get more sustainable pain management.
i am going to be okay. it's gotten better before and it can get better again. i just have to be kind to myself, let people help me, and do my best to advocate for myself. that's really all it boils down to.
okay but it's actually insane that i was encouraged and admired for attending marathon meetings on New Year's Eve and Day after staying up all night while in moderately severe opioid withdrawal because i went cold turkey in order to fulfill the spiritual beliefs of the program.
like. i was sick? GUYS I WAS SICK? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M DOING GOD'S WILL BY PUSHING MYSELF LIKE THAT
I finally managed to write out the breaking point I hit in my cult homegroup earlier this year. I know a lot of you probably already know because I liveblogged it (lol), but for anyone new:
I was in 12 step for over a year, and I left in January because it almost killed me. I'll put the breaking point story below. TW for suicide, addiction, spiritual abuse, and religious trauma.
At the start of this year I relapsed because my ex broke up with me in an emotionally & psychologically abusive way. I didn't see it at the time though. I actually spent New Years Eve & Day sitting in marathon meetings while in moderately severe opioid withdrawal. I kept relapsing and going cold turkey. Everyone was trying to help me get into detox and rehab. I was still doing my weekly commitment of greeting. I stayed friends with my ex. My sponsor kept texting me immediately every morning asking what I was going to do for my sobriety that day. If I didn't reply with the right thing, he'd point it out, and I'd agree he was right and do whatever he told me to do.
Call people. Go to meetings. Stay late. Call people. Stay on the phone all day if I have to. Pray. Pray for God to take the obssession away. Beg for it every day, with humbleness and gratitude. Say the step prayers every morning. Do inventory every night. Work on my 4th step. Do service. I did all of it, and I still kept using. Every time I used again, he'd ask me "Were you being honest?" I'd say yes, and he'd say "Then pray again. I don't know what to tell you. It's up to you. You need to want to get better."
I felt like I was going insane. It was like nothing I did was right, nothing I did was enough. It reached a boiling point a few weeks into January. Before a meeting, I went on a walk, my head swirling. It was freezing outside, but I sat by the highway for hours trying to wrack my head around what was wrong. Was I unwilling? Was I dishonest? Was I selfish? Did I really believe? Am I constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself? Did God want me sober? Did God abandon me? Has God doomed me to continue using, since God chooses us to be sober, so that we can help others be sober?
What was it? Why did I keep using? What was wrong with me? I eventually concluded that I was doomed. Doomed to die an alcoholic death. Cold, alone, overdosed. Because of my own selfishness. There was something inherently wrong with me and God was not going to help me. So. I started walking to the train tracks. Everything in me wanted to turn around, but it was like my body was being controlled by someone else. I started praying in my head over and over and over for God to make me turn around.
Then someone called me, getting back to me about getting me into rehab. I turned around. I got to the meeting early, and I was probably again in opioid withdrawal, just mild-moderate instead. I greeted at the door, masking my autism. I helped set up. But before everyone else arrived, someone I respected asked if I was okay. I told him something like "I am now. God answered my prayers" and I just remember him looking at me like I was off my rocker. He nervously said that was good.
A few days later, after another meeting, I went outside and started ranting to other people. I was still using. I couldn't stop. I just blew up on everyone. I said things like "Is this all there is for me? Meetings every day? This program? I wasn't born like this. I was a happy child. I loved art, and cats, and nature. I'm only 23. I don't want to do this anymore." The other members started crowding up around me. One got angry and said "I don't know! I don't want to come here sometimes either, but I do, because otherwise I'll be dead." An old timer started throwing slogans at me, looking me in the eyes, putting his hands on my shoulder.
I remember saying "I don't know anything! I can't do this." And he told me "But you do know something now. You were chosen. You're one of us. God is showing you the way, you just have to follow him." It started to calm me down. I had been sobbing and screaming at everyone. I ended up going home, and once I walked in the door, everything just hit me.
I told my parents everything. I'd been going for a year, but I told them nothing about what happened there, what I was being taught, etc. because of the anonymity tradition. "What you see here, what you hear here, please let it stay here" was said every single meeting, so I listened. Until then. I told them what I was believing about myself, and that I was terrified that if I left the group, I'd die. I was scared that without my homegroup, I would overdose, kill myself, become homeless, or get institutionalized. But I also realized that I was already getting to that point, because of the program.
That day I sat by the highway, I was out there so long I got frostnip in my hands and face. I almost killed myself that day. It was either that, or I would have booked it to Manhattan and run away from everything in the dead of NY winter - with nothing to keep me warm, no food, probably not even my wallet. I was well on my way to becoming another casualty in the group... And yes, another. In the year I was there, there'd been multiple deaths in the group.
So I left. I left because even though I was terrified what would happen to me - what God would do to me - after I left, I couldn't bare going anymore. That was the breaking point. But there were obviously a lot of other points along the way where I started to realize something wasn't right - but I thought that it was me. I was the problem. I was the "common denominator." I thought I was struggling because of my own selfishness - my lack of gratitude, my lack of trust in God, my lack of devotion to the group, et c. etc.
