#depressposting

i wish someone truly sincerely loved me. not for who i pretend to be, not for the fake front of kindness, not for the dumb and cute act, not for calculated humor, not for the way i look, not out of pity, not for the constructed appearance of friendliness, not for my carefully curated digestible attractive personality i put on. i wish there was someone who saw through it all and saw the person who fails and fails and and tries and fails and loved that me. i wish there was someone i could be silent with and feel the love in the silence and give it back in return. i wish for someone real. i wish someone loved me for me

i have the best cat in the world and i have great online friends and queer situation is so much better in the world than it has ever been and there is actually good queer music and good queer cinema in easy access these days and strangers post the love stories they write for free on the internet for me to read and i am pleasant to look at and i beat the odds and have never gotten into a drug addiction despite being so mentally ill and we don't live in a dystopian reality yet and there is fresh air outside and i have food to eat and despite all that i'm just doing so bad why can't all of it be enough for me to snap the fuck out of this

my brain chemistry is all wrong and my memory is wrong and my eyes are wrong and my skin is wrong and my nails are wrong and my face is wrong and my stomach is wrong and my bones are wrong and my breathing is wrong and my joints are wrong and my teeth are wrong and my voice is wrong and my hair is wrong and my smell is wrong and my wrists are wrong and my body is wrong and my endocrine system is wrong and the way i feel is wrong and the way my every move is only done for seeking attention is wrong and the way i treat people is wrong and my personality is wrong and everything that can be wrong with me is so very wrong and i can't fix any of it even if i had one thousand years to try

i'm gonna leave and stay outside and become homeless no i'm gonna bash my head into the wall until it shuts up no i'm gonna slit my throat no i'm gonna save up money to travel to a country with an ocean and throw myself off a ship no i'm gonna get better get a job and become free no i'm gonna settle down in a heterosexual relationship and play the role of an obedient little wife but at least taken care of no i'm gonna start doing drugs until i overdose no i'm gonna live in the woods no i'm gonna go outside and fuck the first attractive person i see no i'm gonna keep laying here and never move until i completely disappear into thin air no i'm gonna drown myself in a river no i'm gonna go outside at night until i find someone who will murder me no i'm gonna find the highest building and fall from the top of it just so i can know what it feels like to fly in my last moments no i will definitely do something else and something else and something else and it's just a neverending parade of episodes by my brain what the fuck man what the fuck am i supposed to do with that i'm losing my mind i feel nothing and i feel everything and nothing feels real and it's all too much to handle

i love water and i love the sky and i love the sun and i love the moon and i love birds and i love fish but why despite it all can't i love being alive

rationally i know that i need to pull through and start doing shit to get out of this place, but in my heart i'm just so very exhausted of having to get back on my feet again and again and again and again

the worst part of the bpd for me, after the exhaustion of having to keep up with draining switching between the highs and the lows, is the apathy that sometimes comes in between when the remains of the energy are fully and completely out. it feels kinda really fucked to not feel any love for anyone or anything in the whole world no matter how much love i had for it before, it feels like i'm as wrong shaped as a human being can be

i have this literal curse in my family line from my father's side, kinda an inherited genetic psychiatric anomaly. we are incapable of long lasting love or continuous affection. something will just switch in our brains and we stop having any feelings for someone who just a day before was our life partner or our child or our beloved friend. my father has it, his father before had it, i would bet money that the ancestors before him had it, my younger brother and my younger sister do. just this winter my brother opened up to me about suddenly without cause drastically losing all feelings for the girl he married a year before. my sister told me that's why all her relationships and friendships ended, for the same reason as my did, with sudden lack of feelings on our side. which in hindsight is ironic, because my affection for my sister also came to an end a bit later. i can't even hold it against my father for leaving us behind anymore when i have the same decease of the soul and know how it operates and how there is nothing to do about it. it's just really frustrating and saddening to be destined to be alone all my life because something is deeply wrong with a part my brain