#depressionepisode

Depression has this funny thing about making us feel so alone even when we’re not. I’ve never felt so lonely even in the presence of countless amount of people.

This week hasn’t been easy. To show up and act like everything is normal. In between the silence are the voices of irrational thinking and cognitive distortions. Not to mention dissonances between logic and feeling. The voids in between consciousness creeps and plans seeds of destruction. I came back to the same place. The same state of being. Nothing has changed. Have I faced my new realities? Absolutely not. Why? Because this little voice of depression and disillusioned self constantly projects it’s ever growing need to be in control and that now is never the right time to feel emotional pain. Not to mention this ocd tendency of needing things to be of certain way joins forces with the other selves inside me to further distance myself from contentment.

I will settle for that. Just once I’d like to feel content. Even if for a brief moment.

I still cry every day. If it wasn’t for my physical tiredness during our short trip out of town, it would’ve spilled. My deepest hidden self would be apparent. I am burdened by my own need to act appropriately in public so I burry it all in because what’s more inappropriate than breaking down in front of people... says the disillusioned cognitive distortion.

I failed my hw from therapy this week. Do I feel even more shitty about that? Absolutely.

I suffered a great loss today. A dream that’s no longer possible. One of my biggest fear is now a reality. I say toughest day yet because it really has been tough to fight through the tears. To fight through the sadness. To keep it together. I was fortunate enough to let it all go with my therapist today. I honestly don’t even know how to process this on my own like I normally would. And even though I have been to some extent, it’s nice to have your feelings validated. He saved me today.

I’m still a wreck and I don’t know how to get past my broken heart.

In todays episode, we Will be tallying about the imprisonment of me. I’m a prisoner of my own throughts and feelings. There’s no escape and there’s no rescue.

This shit is dark again

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Sorry in advance.

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Today is my quarterly checkup with my oncologist. Today is also the second time I saw and heard concerns on the faces of those reading my charts. Today is the day I hear another “it could be nothing but...” today is the day that flew by then the world stopped. A part of me is saying, don’t worry it’s probably nothing. The other part of me is saying, and that’s all folks! No more kids for you. My future dream of being a mother to my own flesh and blood just went out the door.

Let’s back track. Thoughts from the day is far different from those at night (aforementioned). Day: yikes, that’s another surgery that I will have to worry about paying for. That’s time off from work that I have to figure out. That’s even more money and time trying to recover from. Never mind that it’s my life on the line again. But everything else after that surgery is going to be another headache.

Fast forward. I fixated on a fucking orange plug on the wall at the therapist. Why brain. Why. It gives zero significance. Be mindful he says. I hear birds chirping. How annoying. This room smells old and gross. This chair is probably as old as I am. The noisemaker annoys me. It’s not a fan obviously so it’s never cool in here. What are my thoughts he asked? Why me? Why now? I resent everyone. And I feel extremely guilty for resenting them. Stop wallowing in self pity. Everyone has their own shit to deal with. Nobody cares about your dumb problems made up mostly by you. How’s it gonna be for you tonight he added. Like hell. It will and has hit me hard. I can’t breathe. I like it. Keep it up. Maybe you’ll just suffocate.

My thoughts are what’s keeping me trapped in a very dark place. Once it starts to spiral it’s game. My brain won’t let me be at peace. Which is why I find it so calming and freeing to let it just all go. Understanding that, is the first step back into the staircase... I hope.

Number of suicidal thoughts today: 0? Who cares

Yet another day of struggle. But that’s life right?

Something that was brought up today in a joking manner kind of stuck to me. It was this question of who is and has been there for me through all these depression. Jokingly I was like the little bunny that’s just hopping around confused and lost.

That just spiraled more into this gray state of sadness and self pity. I’ve never been a self pity kind of person. I’ve never wallowed in my dispair and perhaps that’s causing me more pain than good. Interesting how this conversation in my head goes on and on.

It’s like this, I have all these people that tells me that they love me and that they are there for me. But I don’t feel it. I feel alone. As soon as I start to say anything that I’m feeling everyone just shuts down. Or it’s just completely ignored. Like okay so I can’t really rely on anyone hearing me. So I internalize even more. I feel bad I even start to say anything. I should just not have bothered. Why bother trying when no one wants to hear it. No one wants to bear the load with me. I have no rock. But it’s perfectly fine and normal for everyone else to use me as their rock. It’s perfectly okay that they tell me all the details of their troubles because the depressed person can take more of the burden. Yes. Please add on to the heavy foot that’s stepping on my chest. I think what hurts me more about this is that when the time comes that I get to the peak of 10, who’s gonna be there to talk me down? Who’s gonna be there to help me. I have no rock.

Fair warning.

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It’s about to be heavy.

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Suicidal thought for today involved a sharp exacto knife that I used for some arts and craft. I thought hmm. I could easily just sit here and bleed to death. Slowly fade away into slumber at my desk at home. At least it will be peaceful. Then the exacto blade broke and then I thought, even better. It’s now dull and could possibly poison me. As soon as I had finished thinking this, my mini fixer upper project was done. And honestly feeling accomplished even for that brief moment. Like I had done something purposeful (even though it wasn’t) was the only thing that stopped me. I threw the blade away and just started watching Hulu to keep my mind busy and numb.

Number of suicidal thoughts today: 1.

Yet another day. Every damn day is a struggle but today I’ve adopted a motto. “Fake it till you make it.” That saying never resonated so much so till recently. It’s been officially over one month since my depression episode. One month since all my thoughts become jumbled and the thought of letting it all go crossed my mind. And one month since Ive woken up to find emptiness.

I am hollow. I’m moving, talking and eating like I’m alive when I feel absolutely empty inside. Where did it all go? Have I always felt nothing and pretended this whole time? Am I just a big liar? Who is this person? I don’t recognize myself. How much I wish all of it would just end just so I could feel again. Feel free.

Another question came up during my session. What is it that I do for myself? What gives me joy? Not the things I do for other people but the things that are just for me? It’s a tough question to answer. I can’t even recall the last time I felt relaxed. I’m constantly worrying. Anxiety gets the best of me and I start doing practically anything to just shut my mind up even if it wasn’t as enjoyable as I’d like. The very least my mind would be calm.

So here we are today. Let’s fake it till it becomes real. Who knows, maybe it will. Maybe I will feel happy when I’m laughing. Or feel like there’s a person inside this shell. Maybe I will look at people and see color again.

“...if I were to be shot in the head, I'm pretty sure I'd be fine. I almost welcome it.”

Number of suicidal thoughts today: 1