#depression notes

How much of my life will I have cumulatively spent on this rectangle by the time I die?

I don’t want to know. Because I know it’s too much. Especially when I think of what I could have been doing instead, how many connections I could have made or enriched in real time, literally ANYTHING else I could have been doing instead of just scrolling on something - had I not constantly had my phone on me and access to the internet 24/7.

I’m not anti phone or anti internet or anything - that’s not the intention of this post. I’m just in a depressive state and this thought comes up every so often when I notice I have multiple screens & different media playing at once and I realize “This is how most of us live all the time - how was it like before phones?”

A cousin wants me to meet his gf and I remember when he first told me about her I had assumed they matched on an app. Nope! They met irl at a bar. And I remember thinking how rarely I hear those stories.

Yesterday I got track and traced; so identified as someone who had close contact with someone who has tested positive for COVID. This means I have to isolate for 10 days from contact with them - Wednesday 23rd is now my day of freedom unless a negative pcr can override that - it’s all been unclear.

Today is my 23rd birthday. It was the first one I wasn’t travelling home for. My family were coming to visit me (they’re all vaccinated - I was supposed to get my first dose Thursday) in my flat and I was so excited to take them out for lunch and show them where I live. So obvs that isn’t happening. My best friend and I were going out into the Peak District for midnight to have a picnic and watch the stars to kick off my birthday (can you say nerd?) and that obviously wasn’t safe to do either.

This weekend I’m supposed to be racing in a 24hr karting race with people from uni. Would be the last time I see most of them before they graduate. If the pcr test isn’t my freedom, that’s gone too and I’m heartbroken.

It’s creeped back in since friday. I almost broke down in a Jack-in-the-Box parking lot before work, then the rest of the day was reminder after reminder of things that terrify me and chipped away at my feelings. I think it’s becoming stifling here.. I’m becoming more and more impatient with the possibility of relocating to LA. I’m gaining an increasing desire to cut ties with everything and everyone. To start fresh. 

It doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling excluded lately. The ‘normality’ we used to have is slowly falling away, opening up space for the whole magic and occult interest that’s been gaining ever more traction. I still don’t know that I believe. My gut at times feels like it’s all just some elaborate game of pretend that they keep going because some normality is boring. There is no great antagonis, you aren’t the world’s last hope, there is no princess. I wonder why I occasionally play into it. 

Another part weighing on my mind is that I feel I should end things with Audrina. We’ve given it almost 2 extra months and I don’t believe my feelings have deepened. If anything I can see where resentment and impatience can come in from my side, especially given my reactions to her depression and anxiety in the face of aid. I feel terrible for feeling that way, because I was and occasionally still am there too, but I would rather leave us at a point where we can maybe be friends later than at a point where I say something stupid again in frustration and hurt her more.