I write stuff here

“You’re lying to her. She only likes you cause you’re lying”

I saw her the other night to pick up a couple things I’d left/let her borrow, with the side effect of being able to check on her. I hung out for a little bit. Talked. From seeing her, it seems like she’s been having a little bit of a rough time lately. Thankfully she’s got Brandon there with her to support. I’m sure she’ll be alright, but it stung to see her so down.

I still care about her. I still think about her a lot. It’s easier to set aside those thoughts, but when they pop up it can be hard to concentrate (especially at work). I try not to entertain the thought of being together again, but it happens. 

Anyways.

Today I’m feeling alright.

It’s my 12th work day without a day off between working both jobs, and I think it’s beginning to wear on me a little bit. I was a tiny bit late a couple times and my concentration is slipping a bit, but I’ve leaned on energy drinks to keep me going. I need to get better at getting to bed, that’ll help immensely. 

So far the accounting job has been relatively easy. There are some mindset things I have to work past from being a service employee for so long, but I think I’m catching on to the process so far. Not entirely sure I’d like to stick with this specific company, I can see this job choice potentially working in the long run. I don’t take work home with me, I don’t feel pressured that I’m doing enough, and at the end of the day I clock out and can work on something I want to when I’m home. The regular schedule is helping quite a bit too, it’s stable.

With this new schedule, I should start getting things planned so I can get back to drawing and making art again. I have several hours in the evening after work that I can use to start. Let’s try two hours for a few days.

I got to ask about that week I helped her move. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who had a weird vibe about that week, we both had pretty much the same thoughts about it.

She explained more of her side, her motivations. I don’t know how I feel about them, but it’s provided some understanding at least. I still have this part of me that feels like we can make it work, that we could sit and figure it out and we could have an honest shot at this thing again. I’m trying to get that side to get with the rest of me.

I don’t like that I’ve come to this decision. It was what I wanted to avoid this whole time. Reduced interaction yes, but a complete “no contact” arrangement seemed extreme. I thought I’d be able to work around the feelings, but I guess it really couldn’t be helped. The more I hear of her being with other people and the times I’ve spent with her, I can’t bottle it up anymore. For my own sake, I think it’s best that we not speak to each other for some time. I don’t know how long would be best, but maybe I should aim for a month to start.

This is going to be hard.

She did ask me if I ever suspected that she was cheating on me. The way she talked, it almost implied like cheating required sleeping with someone else, that otherwise it was okay. I was honest. I said nothing about having actually found proof though. Part of me thinks she’s aware, that she knows what I know and how I know and we’re just sort of silently.. acknowledging it. 

Told her about getting involved with KayLah and Mike. She seemed.. a little weird about it. Aside from the fact that I was regularly a playmate to a married couple, I think it stung her a little bit; that I’d even be involved with someone else like that.

Is what I would say had I not left the house in February.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things in the last couple weeks. Helping Audrina move has been a mixed bag of appreciation, drama, personal trouble, exhaustion, and a weird sense of homesickness. 

She talked about the two of us moving out together last year, and over the last week I’ve helped her move in to a new place. I’ve napped on a bed we used to share, helped cook meals we used to eat together, and prepare a place to live that I have no place at. I’ve had to resist urges to hug her from behind and other ways I’ve been affectionate because there’s this weird fuzzy line that this could have been “ours” and not just “hers.” I’m proud of seeing where she’s made it to in a few years, but this last week was like stepping into an alternate timeline or something.

I looked back in our chat history, kind of seeing if the numbers and times worked out right and if suspicions carry any weight, we got back together in May, and ended sometime in December? I was out of the house end of January. So her side of the relationship lasted... 4 months? 5? 

You spend so much time dumping into this place, I thought maybe I’d write something while feeling positive.

We’ll start with something less positive. As of this moment, your computer is dead. Blue screen o’ death’d. I tried to use what I could to find out the problem, even reinstalling windows on there (your files might have been wiped in the process. Sorry) but I’m pretty sure the culprit is the graphics card. The good news is, a new one is on its way and it didn’t cost as much as I thought.

Audrina reached out to you a couple days ago just to check in and ask how you were. It was kind of nice, but unfortunately, I was too on guard to appreciate it for what it was. Maybe things will change for you. I think she’s kind of scared to move, but she’ll be okay after the initial growing pains.

You did well at art walk last night. Looks like you made about $50 last night, but it was a fun time. Those 3 hours flew right by, and KayLah even dropped by for a little while.

The whole thing feels a little unusual with Mike and KayLah, but I’m not sure if that’s because it’s just kind of unusual for you to begin with, or if I’m reading into things more than needed. It’s a little difficult to gauge feelings in this situation. 

You’ve got plans with Kyla and Shalex this weekend to spend a couple days with them and hang out. That’ll be really nice, since the last couple times things got cut a little short. Hopefully it’ll be a good time with games and other stuff. 

Twice.

You mean that same “push people away” shit you pulled with me while we were together? That you pulled and I fought against because I cared about you enough to stay? Oh. But you understand why he does it. So you stay with him because you think you can help him? Does that make it better?

I thought the same thing too. That I could help. You apparently didn’t need me after that.

“I’m learning to be patient with him”

You mean that patience you didn’t have for me? When I was stretched thin and trying to do what I could, but was still expected to be what you needed me to be? When I was dealing with your shit and mine? When you wanted me to come over immediately, but I told you I had work to do? I didn’t even say I wouldn’t or couldn’t come over, just that I couldn’t be there right now. 

You got upset with me. I put my foot down and stood up for myself in that moment, and you couldn’t see that what I was doing was important, that I had to get it done. You apologized a couple days later.

The implication now is that I wasn’t worth trying to be patient with, I guess.

I’m such a fucking sap. THIS WOULDN’T GET TO ME SO MUCH IF I DIDN’T STILL WANT TO BE WITH YOU. 

WHY.

“Departures” *skip*

“Romances” *skip*

“Nostalgia” *skip*

“It’s Fine, but it Hurts” *turns off music*

I don’t know why I’m surprised. I don’t know why I’m so angry. 

Never mind, I do. Because I fucking care and I hate that I do. In the 4 days of this.. “intermission” I have designed a tattoo for nothing, helped her around the house cause her wrists “are starting to hurt again” and I suddenly became someone worth messaging and interacting with again. That’s why I’m so angry.

What the ever loving fuck is wrong with me. Why am I like this, and why can’t I seem to stop being like this?

I’m so goddamn tired of being nice about things, about being the “better person” or taking the high road or whatever you want to call it. I’m tired of acting like this all doesn’t bother me, or that I’m not hurting, or that this shit isn’t eating at me every time I go to that fucking house. I’m tired of checking and double checking what I say and do so I don’t make her uncomfortable every time I see her. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m ready to move on. I don’t know how, but I want to be done with this fucking feeling immediately.

Tuesday, I had an appointment with Scott to try out a sensory deprivation tank together. Overall, it was an interesting experience. I didn’t seem to experience the relaxation that I’d read so many other people had, but I did see some brief visual “hallucinations”..? Most were somehow related to sex, but I did see a gharial briefly. Scott proposed that it could be my spirit animal.

I’ve also finally made the decision to join the Family. After like.. 5 years of being asked and turning them down, I finally caved. I won’t lie, there’s a feeling of relief that’s there. I don’t entirely know what to expect or what could be coming, but at least it’s done. They haven’t yet told me what my “trial” is going to be. Scott said he doesn’t really think I have anything to prove to him, so I wonder what the others might think of for me.

In other news, I got to be the third in a married threesome on thursday. So... that happened. I honestly didn’t think it would get that far, it was a little awkward at the start, but I’m a little awkward in general. I definitely had a couple moments where I paused and thought “this is really happening” but overall I had fun. From what she was saying, it sounds like it may be a more regular thing for them (us?). Shame I don’t have my own place, they’re married with kids. In a weird way, this is kinda what I had been looking/hoping for? A sexual release without the relationship aspects right now. I’m not in a place where I have time for something serious. 

So often I just... sit here. I could fill my time with any number of things, but yet I seem to prefer to waste my time in front of this screen, reabsorbing the same websites, the same posts, knowing that I could spend my time better.

Why?

Unfortunately she chose to be with someone else and that’s how I had to figure that out, but at least I got an answer. I can proceed accordingly.

Feels like I’m the back up, that at this point I’m just her plan B so she can pursue being with someone else instead of me while I stick around as the friend. I know that there were no promises, but it doesn’t make it sting less. 

The thing that’s on my mind now is how she didn’t understand how I wouldn’t be disappointed?? Or how I could feel like I was plan B?? It’s not the first time I’ve sort of felt this way. This is going to be the last time this happens. I’m done. In the unlikely event that we have an opportunity to revisit our relationship, she needs to have made some strides in getting herself together. I’m finished with this back and forth yo-yo relationship.

It’s only been two days and I’m unusually stressed out. Somehow my mom forgot I was coming the day I said I was, and the room wasn’t prepared for anything. None of the things she said she would do before I arrived were done, and I foolishly prolonged my leaving the other house to get here late thinking I could at least just bring my bed up to sleep on.

I should have known better.

There’s a lot of mixed feelings right now. Frustration at the situation of course; anger and irritation at Audrina for continuing this decision, especially since our conversation and us even getting closer and intimate again (which makes it feel less like it’s a relationship issue that could be worked out and more like she might have been attempting assuage feelings and make it easier to live with me for that last month and a half or so). I used to wonder how the fuck there were other guys that she could keep on such a leash, intentionally or not, that even years after they’d do whatever it took for her, and here I am beginning to fall into the same trap that I criticized them for. Like a sap.

I know she was sending pictures, I’ve seen them. I don’t generally consider things like that an “oops, I messed up” moment. Yet somehow, despite being so sure that I can’t trust her like I had before, after last year and seeing the pictures and how she ended things (but didn’t really), I can’t help but still want to be an aspect in her life. She’s one of my best friends, but I’m having trouble even conceiving how our relationship can be “just friends” after this. She’s told me not to wait for her, but has admitted to still having feelings but needs time to figure some things out for herself. Which is a legitimate reason to need that time.

So why do I feel like I’m being jerked around? Why do I feel used and that there are more lies than I know?

Why is she being “punished” by the Family? She was punished in a similar manner nearing the last time I was moving out, during which we also were having relational troubles. It’s hard not to think there might be a correlation there. If they are related, then what is the reason and should I even know about it?

All this, and I haven’t even started on how this whole living situation is really making me feel. I’m depressed again, I’ve wanted to just let out and rage and cry and yell at how it feels like I’m back at square one, how I don’t feel like I have a proper place anywhere, and how I feel like I never really will. Financially, this situation is better for me. My living costs are way less than they were at the other house by over 50%, so I should be able to save and put a dent into debt and dedicate more attention to school when it starts up this month. I just.. can’t feel like this is all a distraction. That I’m trying to do my best to ignore the feeling I have that I’m attempting to invest in a future I hate the idea of. Part of me just wants so badly to tap out now. Even the idea of just running away doesn’t hold any water because what then? I’m broke in a way off place that I’m not employed at and therefore unprepared to live at. I can’t just run away, it isn’t practical. It doesn’t make sense.

I am no longer living at the house. I made it nearly a year out on my own, with most of that being on unemployment, somehow I managed to make that work for as long as I did (go me) but I’m back living at mom’s house. 

Every time I move back here it seems I always come back to live in a room that is either not mine, or is incomplete. It’s difficult to feel like this place is a home given how my history has tinged this place. I never quite feel comfortable, maybe I can use that as a low key driving force to leave.

Leaving the house was the best choice for everyone. The living arrangement became increasingly complicated because I had to go and start getting feelings, and I was running low on funds. I just can’t quite shake the feeling that the drama isn’t over yet, but I don’t know that anyone will tell me for fear of making things worse. 

I’m going back to school, mostly as a preparation to having a consistent day job that I could support myself with. I’m not giving up on the art, but it’s honestly not paying the bills and I have some serious things to consider when it comes to how badly I actually want to turn it into a career. Fear is a major factor there, and I need to find a way to work around it. Until then, something safe and kind of boring will do for me. Luckily, if I can hold myself to it, I can be finished with my schooling within a year’s time and find something not too long after that.

I’m not going to get paid for any of this work. Now or in the future (at least with how my perception of the company will work out). Honestly it feels like to some degree that I’ll be taken advantage of because I’m his friend. This work is out of my general wheelhouse to start and I hate trying to develop a logo, and style a website (which apparently is no longer my duty), AND develop some kind of label for the product.

This isn’t fulfilling, this isn’t meaningful to me, and at the risk of being blunt; I don’t give a damn about the product or this company.