Yesterday..all my troubles seem so far away
So yesterday was another roller coaster. HOWEVER, it was not a roller coaster day where I abused food (!!!). I did not comfort, self-medicate, distract, placate, or reward myself with food (!!!). I also tried to eat when I felt hungry, nothing else (!!!).
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Breakfast (8:30 am)- two hard-boiled egg whites, 1/2 an apple (it was a nice big one..that turned out to be half mushy haha)
Early lunch (10:00 am)- greens, spinach, tomato, two hard-boiled egg whites, ham, ONE pirogi. GASP. Guess what? Just one is as a delicious as...many.
Later lunch (2:15 pm)- ham, spinach, tomato on one piece of high-fiber bread (yay dining hall), part of another open-faced sandwich thing, banana. I was carbing up for rugby practice at 4:30.
However...4:05 and I start to feel wretchedly sick intestinally. Have no idea why but spend 4:10-4:50 running back and forth to the bathroom. Not fun. Anyway, so I couldn't go to rugby.
At 7:00, though, I got my watch and heart rate monitor, got all ready to go and went out for a run. Felt GREAT for 15 minutes of jog/power-walk/jog/power-walk until I suddenly felt really really shitty and weak. I should back up and mention I gave blood three days ago, and this was my first attempt at exercise since then. Also, I don't have the best history with giving blood, fair amount of history with these kinds of after effects. Anyway, I decided to push myself and stay out on the road for another 20 minutes, moving as best as I could. I would do shorter bursts, but overall much more walking. Felt like crap about this, so I turned into the gym heading back on campus towards my dorm. Biked some, stretched, did some leg lifting (waiting to do arm lifts because I read online the donation site vein can pop--ew), and the elliptical for a bit. Dragged myself back up the hill to my dorm where I showered and felt absolutely pooped. I also did not feel one bit like eating, despite my completely shitty mood.
Loooong story stort, I ended up in a angsty text then phone conversation with my ex-boyfriend (a post on him to come) who's at school in Mass. We're actually pretty amiable, but we still suck each other into talk to each other about our problems, which sometimes is nice and sometimes, like last night, was completely inappropriate on my part. However, he is a good and nice person and talked to me until I felt better, at which point I went to sleep.
So, my day was crap. Well, I guess it didn't start out that way, but it definitely ended that way. And yes, I didn't abuse food, I ate well, and I *tried* to exercise, but I also really need to work on getting through tough nights where I really just miss him. To some extent, as he told me, I need to not beat myself up about relying on him (sometimes), because the truth is, last week he called me EVERY night and we talked for over an hour, as he was having troubles and stuff at school. And he, as stated, is a good guy, and doesn't mind emotional reciprocation and shiz but still. Last night was a low, and definitely a little much for his night. He ended it by calming me down and cheering me up. I'm going up to Mass to stay with my grandma and do thesis research up near him for my fall break, so I'm actually going to see him a week from today! Can't wait. In some ways, although I consider myself about a 5 (pretty gay), in some ways I was most myself with him, and certainly have the best "ex" friendship with him right off the bat that I have had with all the girls I've been with.
Anyway. This post was supposed to be about food. Well, I don't entirely congratulate myself on a day of self-healing and self-health, because I reached out to him (although I usually feel guilty to some extent in doing so, and one of my biggest flaws is that it is pretty difficult for me to ask for help on ANYTHING) but consciously breaking the emotional food addiction for ONE DAY was amazing. I'm down to 185 (GW2!) this morning and honestly, yes that mattered to me more than it really should, but I know what it feels like now to not use my taste buds and stomach as a coping mechanism. At this point, I feel like I can confidently say I have an emotional eating addiction. One that seemed pretty easy to push past yesterday. So, cheers to me for 185, for one day of EE sobriety! May you all have a day where you see a glimmer of hope in yourself and your journey, because while every day is a struggle, it's also one day closer to your goal.
Love,
L
