#delirium_writes

My mother is a an ex-mormon, born in California and moved to New Mexico as a child. Her father, a conservative became a devoutly religious man after a stint in jail, while my grandmother just fell in line due to his abusiveness, finally settling in north Texas after she left him, taking my mother and my moms little brother with her. I was never sure of my grandmother’s relationship with God, only that she had crosses hung around her house in rural Texas.

My mother said that Mormon elders would come to her house every once in a while back when she was growing up. I saw this first hand when we visited my now cut off grandfather, Pat and his current wife in Washington state where they relocated. I was around 5 or 6 years old and i remember two young men coming inside to talk with us, I was so bored. I thought it was all silly and i’d rather be playing with toys or watching cartoons, they only ever let us put on “Veggie Tales” there. I guess the sentiment stayed the same throughout the years.

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When it comes to me, growing up in the south as an atheist was tough. We were a very liberal homeschooled secular family, it was hard to find like-minded people, and when you did, it was always extremely close knit.

Most homeschooled groups you find are deeply religious. It’s easier to indoctrinate your children that way, I suppose. My mom homeschooled us for different reasons, the public school system wasn’t the best in my area, she didn’t find it would be easy on us - especially since my older brother is autistic.

I didn’t fare well in the secular homeschool group we joined. Not to any fault of its own, just parents not overseeing their older children enough, the focus was always on the younger kids. The things that took place there over the course of 5~ years from 8 to 13 years old changed the trajectory of my life, it made me question if there was a god that i wasn’t aware of and maybe all the crazy religious people i grew up around in Texas were right, and i did something to deserve it. But how could that have happened to me? Once i could see, fine, people can be weird. But for years? No god would allow that, surely? Maybe those years of pledging my fake allegiance to Him finally caught up with me, i thought at times. I think something along the same thought process happened with my mom, terrible things occur in the world and you wonder what god would make that a reality.

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My life was a tumultuous one, it still is, i suppose. Moving to different towns in Texas, then to a different state altogether. My relationship with my older brother faltered as i grew into adolescence, becoming violent, eventually settling down to a baseline of mutual upset and discomfort, never quite forgetting what happened between the two of us. Another reason i questioned any higher power existing.

When trauma occurs you want to patch it to make the hurt stop. My grandfather turned to religion, my mother left it. I questioned if i was a sinner being preyed upon for all the lies i’ve told. I know what happened to me was not because i was being punished by an authoritative deity, but because of the failures of people around me.

Growing into a teenager, then into an adult i became aware of the reasons religion was made up, how it’s used now to control minorities and the working class. Used to keep capitalists in power and pockets lined with cash. Call me biased, sure. But my opinions are my own, not formed on a book or golden plates. I’m aware religion varies country to country, but i think western religions are the worst offender, they’re what i’m familiar with and what i can speak on.

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Sometimes, even as an adult, i still wish God was real, so i could yell at the sky for my traumatic upbringing and consequential thoughts and emotions i have to deal with because of it. I’m as much of a hardcore atheist as my mother was in her mid 20s and 30s, perhaps that will change as my worldview shifts. But for now, i will still fight the ever occurring fight of toxic religion, and how we can move past it in future.