#delicatevoids

It was chilly but my left hand was warm, our fingers interlaced. 'The moon looks like a toenail', I said. Throwing your head back, you laughed and kissed me on the cheek. Every so often one of us would say it. I'd stare into the sky in awe. You'd look at me the same way. The moon is a waxing crescent tonight and I can't help but wonder if you're gazing into the sky missing me too.

1. Although you left me for her, I will not be bitter and angry. If you are happy with her, I won’t stand in the way or ruin that for you. Everyone deserves happiness. 2. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes and put yourself before everyone else. You don’t owe anybody anything. 3. I don’t need to search for someone to complete me. I am not looking for an “other half”. I was born whole. 4. There is no such thing as coincidence or chance. Things always happen the way they do for a reason. One day you look back, nostalgically thanking the stars or some higher power because you finally understand why exactly it had to happen. Fate. 5. You have to learn to love yourself before you love anybody else.

The moments that you are with him, you will feel like you are invincible. But he will break your heart. You will lose yourself. He’ll run through your mind and you’ll chase him, sometimes leaving you feeling too exhausted to even leave your bed. At some point, you will be slowly forgetting him; but on some Friday night, you’ll be at a bar suddenly realizing that you feel nauseated, not from the alcohol but because the boy that is flirting with you wears the same cologne as him. You will suffer. It’ll seem like eternities have gone by and you will still be thinking of the color his eyes turn when the sun hits them. You won’t ever forget him, but one day when you think of him, your heart won’t start pounding and your head won’t feel dizzy and he will just be someone you once fell in love with.

His hands were the first to touch me after yours. They were strong, but they weren’t aggressive, they were steady. Quiet and soft, yours were always unsure. I think about the way his fingers grazed the sides of my waist when he was kissing my neck, while yours would barely touch an inch of my flesh, as if you were afraid to break me. I can still remember the sweet nothings you’d whisper into my ear and the way you’d press your lips against mine but it never felt like you meant it. For months after you, I don’t know why, but I didn’t want to be touched by anyone else. I craved your hands, and late at night I’d be staring out my window, asking the moon for answers on whether or not I should dial your number. But I didn’t. I still think about you often, because I still love you. But the reason I am tangled in his sheets and my clothes are on his floor is because he made me feel like someone wanted me, and that is something you could never do.

For a while after you left me, I completely shut off. I grieved. It felt like losing your favorite thing in the world, and knowing that you’d never be able to get it back. Sure, you could buy something else to replace it, but it wouldn’t be the same. I separated myself from everything that reminded me of you. Pictures, places, songs, anything that could even remotely put any thought of you back into my head. You weren’t a bad person, you just weren’t any good for me. I don’t cry over you anymore and I can’t even remember the last time I did. But just because I’m not crying, doesnt mean that the sound of your name doesn’t make me tremble and feel weak at my knees.

I might forget the way your body conformed to mine when we’d sleep. How I’d feel your kisses on my shoulder and neck as I fell asleep, wrapped between your arms. I felt safe. I might forget how it feels to touch you. That dip in your rib cage and the sharp edges of your shoulders. I’ve memorized every fragment of your structure. I felt like I’d be able to recognize you in a dark room full of strangers. I might forget those days we’d walk around the city. You would take pictures of me with your camera. The views were breathtaking but I remember you saying, “of all these things I’d rather take pictures of you”. I felt beautiful. I might forget that for months, we spent everyday together. And if we weren’t together, I knew we’d see each other very soon. We were happy and I felt happy. I might forget the way you’d smile. How you’d throw your head back when you’d laugh. The way you’d say my name and how you’d look at me, awestruck. I felt like you loved me. I might forget you. You’ll be there, sitting in the back of my mind for a while. But the thought of you will begin to decay soon, until it’s nothing but vague flashbacks that never linger for more than a few seconds. I might forget you, because lately your absence is causing the memory of you to slip through my fingers. I might forget you. But I will never forget how you made me feel.

1. I’m trying not to make you my happiness. I’ve learned this before, at a point between love and heartbreak. I cannot make you my whole happiness, just a part of it. 2. I am not oblivious to the fact that I am a difficult person. I’m frequently misunderstood and although I know you still do not understand, you are trying. Thank you. 3. If you still love her, let me go. I don’t want to be a distraction or a temporary solution for whenever you’re craving the taste of her lips. 4. Let me down easy. Please don’t shatter me into a million pieces, I’m not good at putting things back together. 5. I love you. Now that I do, I think in some way, I always will.