#deleted vod

But I think it would hurt worse if I did go. It won’t be the same as I remember it. I won’t be able to point out which house I practically grew up in. I wouldn’t be able to point out the one Nick and I rented until we moved into the Dream Team house. It’ll be different.

I still feel fucking pathetic about what happened with my one ex-girlfriend. I just let her do that to me? I didn’t even bother trying to fight back?

It’s not like there was much of a point. I was stronger than her and if I hurt her I knew she was going to press charges, even though it was in self defense. It wouldn’t have mattered. The court wouldn’t have known that.

That doesn’t change the fact that I still feel fucking pathetic about it.

I’m the oldest, I’m supposed to protect my siblings. But how can I ever expect to protect them when I couldn’t even fucking protect myself?

I couldn’t protect them when we got swatted on a regular basis. I couldn’t protect them from being doxxed just for being related to me. There’s so many times when I failed to protect them.

I still can’t believe she had to see me like that. My little sister, finding me passed out in my bathroom with a half empty bottle of painkillers on the counter.

It was full when I opened it about a half hour before she found me.

She went with me in the ambulance to the emergency room. She was crying, and so was I. I just kept apologizing for almost leaving her. I didn’t even realize she was coming over that day. I didn’t want her to think I wanted to abandon her.

Just. I almost made her watch them bury me. I almost made her have to visit me by talking to a headstone that would’ve read:

Clay

1999-2021

I almost left her. I almost left my little sister.

It’s just that, for the first time in almost four years, I was able to see someone in my family. Not in her own body, and I wasn’t in mine, either. And it was really brief.