[SWEATS PROFUSELY] O H NOOOOOOOOkay okay, I’m gonna try my best to do thisUh…Fuck: JongupMarry: Himchan 💖💕KiSS: ZELO

I don't have to have it all figured out to move forward.

I seriously just saw this picture on here, and it hit me hard. I realized there's a lot of truth to it and I need to embrace it. This completely inspired this post. Last week, I thought this next week was going to be heaven on Earth. While many things were awesome, there were some not so awesome moments this week, too. It's awesome that I have my own first apartment, and it's awesome that I'm sharing it with the one I love dearly. It's awesome that I am now "officially" independent, because I have waited so long for it. It's not so awesome that my self-confidence is still shot. It's not so awesome that I found comfort in alcohol. It's not so awesome that my work schedule isn't regulated yet. It is awesome that I have people that care and help me through this. It is awesome that I have learned a lot from my dumb decisions this week. 

Not so awesome moments do not define you.

I am nineteen years old and moved out already. That IS awesome. However, I am nineteen years old and I will have many, many, many not so awesome moments. I am in college and bad decision are bound to happen. I can make as many as I want, but they will not define me. I am smart, and I learn from things. I am caring, and that will never change based upon a decision I make. People can choose to look at all that I've done "wrong", which sucks...but I'm simply not that person. I am a growing, loving, intellectual, and incredibly caring young woman.

People's opinions simply do not matter.

If I had stuck to caring about this, i would not be moved out with my boyfriend. I would care that majority of my friends from last year's college would have not-so-nice things to say. I would care that majority of my boyfriend's mother's side does not agree with us. I would care about all the little things everyone had to say about my decisions. But you know what? I'm happy. And I'm confused about the time where that was enough for people. I DO NOT have to live up to the standards and opinions of others, and I refuse to. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I live with someone who cares indefinitely and unconditionally about me, I am about to start back up a concrete work routine, and I think I have school almost figured out. These may seem like little things, but routine and schedules help me to cope and be a better me. It makes it even better that I am making these routines, and not basing them off of what I am told is the "best" way or "only" way.

I make my own happiness.

This one has been hard for me because so often I rely on other people to shape my happiness. I have learned that's not always bad, but at the end of the day it's up to me. Sometimes I am happy sitting in bed for the majority of the day and having a lazy me day. It's even better when my man has the day of too, and we can just lie there together doing nothing. Sometimes happiness is accomplished things off my "to do" list. Sometimes it's saying fuck you to my to do list and doing something spontaneous. Sometimes my happiness is watching sad movies and crying, because that's all I need. Whatever it is, I am learning to make it myself and with that I am learning myself, what I need, and how to combat certain undesirable emotions.

Things change.

I have always been a planner and when my plans did not go accordingly, I would be devastated. Looking back, it was so pointless to be so upset about such trivial things. Things can and will change. Plans are good, but alternate routes are sometimes better. And if they aren't, then it's just another not so awesome moment that does not matter. 

People leave, and that's okay.

All people are not meant to be in our lives for forever. That would be easier to understand, I think, if some of them did not leave so painfully. I'm still coming to terms with this, but I think I have officially learned it...I just wish I hadn't lost some of the people I did, so I guess my pain has me a little jaded on the topic. I know it to be true, though.