How do you define yourself?
I know everyone has been asked that once in their life, I know I have many and many times. I never answer though, I say that is because I don't really know myself yet. I also know that isn't technically true. That the reason I don't answer it's because I don't want to voice the vision I have of myself at this moment, that what I would say would scare people, would paint an image of me I don't want people to have.
However, I do know that also isn't true. Because there are moments that I can see a girl, this girl burried deep down harmful, destructive thoughts.
A girl that loves to feel the wind on her hair. That is not the biggest fan of cold, but likes how the air going through the little holes of her sweater feels. That when she is walking home and the sun hit just right on her face she wants to stop for a second and feel the warmth. That adores the rain drops of a summer storm, the lightning strikes on the sky. That wiggles her toes in the grass, just to see how it feels. That just dreams of going up somewhere high, somewhere natural and stop everything for a moment to close her eyes and feel Life itself all around.
This girl is in love with music and she just likes to swing to her favourite songs, mumble the words all wrong but all right at the same time. She loves to be hold and to hold people, she likes embracing her loved ones, kissing their foreheads and playing with their hair. She adores her dog, the cuddle her little pet demands. She loves people in general, she hopes for them and doesn't care who they are as long as they can feel the calming effect being beside each other has.
This is the girl I love. I love everything about her. How carefree she is. How she adores nature and the simple things in life. How she will talk and talk about the things she loves, making sure people have the chance of loving something as much as she does. How she has faith in people and herself. How she sees a reason to live in each breath she takes.
And I know this girl is me. The me burried under bad thoughts. The me that appears out of nowhere, in good or bad days. The real me, the one without all the problems and bullshit.
I could make this sad right now. Say she is too naive, she wouldn't survive real world, she will never have control.
However that is totally not the reason why I'm writing this. Because I wouldn't ever change someone who is like this. I would never take the chance one has to seize all desires one has. So why would I take that chance from this girl? Why would I take this chance from me?
I can feel her patience deep inside and that's why I know, one day, me and her will be the same person at any given moment. That she is waiting and not at all angry. That as soon as she gets the shot, she will make me feel like that constantly. And she isn't asking (or ever will, for what matters) anything from me. Just telling me 'You deserve to feel all good things and all you need to do is hang on a little bit longer'.
So how I define myself is a tricky question. Because what comes to my mind is not the real me, is the current me. The me that is struggling and it's hurt and dangerous and in bad relationships. That loves her true, almost unknown self, but hates the current state she is in. The me that deserves better and will have the chance if she just holds on tight for a second.
