#defiandros

For my whole life, I am trying to find out my own fulfillment, not to achieve it but to know what serves as it. First after this step will I be able to live a meaningful life, one that will not end with my regretful death, a fate everyone should be fearing the most but being so far in the future, most existences do not even consider this an issue – until it happens, and that is always late. One could  possibly think that knowing what fulfills you should be easy or even clear from the beginning to the end but there is one small problem I will demonstrate. Imagine a talented musician who actually never had the chance to play any instrument. Such a potential musician might live a relatively happy life as for example a gardener but the fulfillment from playing music would be much greater. Yet, they do not even know they are a talented musician. Trying everything to find your own purpose is virtually impossible, therefore I am using a different strategy. Many of us are influenced by other beings we meet, to such an extent that we might sometimes forget what are our traits and what are just temporary influences from others. The more influenced one becomes, the harder it is to find the original core, unless the influence is positively aligned with it. But usually, it is like creating a form of hum or noise that distracts one from themselves and consequently, from their own principle that hides the secret for the ultimate fulfillment. And this is my strategy, I am not avoiding social contact, not anymore, now I am purposely seeking it to test how strong did my traits grow, how much do I know myself and whether others are able to confuse me. First when I consider myself to be absolute, will I be able to identify my fulfillment with absolute certainty. Sitting in the pub, most beings here are drinking Neolaudanum before they fall asleep but not me, I am watching someone or maybe someone is watching me. Right now it has no face, only mouth and a winter hat, its face is pale white, each hand has only three fingers, it is sitting behind the table and slowly moving those ghastly talons. No one else can see it, it exists only for those who took the path I chose. It also does not answer questions, yet it can talk gibberish time to time, but I know what I have to do. Standing and walking to this existence while passing several sleepers, I look at it and say: "Hello, you again, my guess is that I avoid seeing and smelling something that could possibly damage my fragile concept about who I am. Also, I am afraid to touch something properly, something that could also hurt my own image about myself." After saying these words, the being stood up and walked away from the pub, I tried to watch it walk outside but there were no traces of it anymore as if it vanished. I remember seeing it for the first time, it had a deformed body and a crooked face, I had no idea who or what it was and it appeared everywhere I went, saying nothing, just moving very slowly, no one else saw it but me. When I met a friend of mine, I saw him talking to an empty space about himself, what he is afraid of and things that should remain secret because of his own insecurity. After asking him about that, I knew everything I needed but it took me several days to tell the thing that I am just a representation of myself highly deformed by the influence of others, to the point that I myself can not recognize me.Then, it disappeared after I blinked. Now I will have to find several things, those that I purposely did not want to perceive and face them. I think I know what things that are but I am still trying to convince myself that I actually have no idea. Yet pretending for the rest of my life would be a huge waste, which is something against my philosophy. Anyway, I can not wait for that thing to stop appearing. Until that time, I am on my search for myself.