#deep-thoughts

Inspired by @collegemode‘s post about gifted kids. 

Link to the post is here. It got me thinking a lot about how, so often, many of us [particularly here where I live, in Asia] are faced with the pressure to do well in school, to excel, and to achieve. We go to schools that, from young, drill a mark-objective mentality into learning. If it’s not from the schools, it just exists SO much in our societies. As someone who goes to a very academic, result-oriented school, I know what that’s like. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my school. I miss going there so much (with the quarantine and all) and I love my friends and all of my teachers. It's been a place of wonderful memories and learning.

But I wrote this in the hopes that sharing my story may help those of you who are also struggling with this problem. 

PROBLEM #1: Resting VS Unproductivity

It's just... I read a lot about "burn-out" and I am so scared it will happen to me. Maybe you’re scared it will happen to you. Maybe it has happened to you. I'm trying to find a balance between working hard and taking rest, but the whole "resting" thing is kind of alien to me to the point where I don't really know when it's TOO much or not enough. And I think that is the first problem. We are always being pushed to fill our time with things deemed ‘productive’ - our extra-curricular activities are tailored to ensure success in our tertiary education.

It’s been quite difficult to come to terms with the fact that taking a break is okay. Not every second needs to be filled with purpose. Sometimes, it’s good enough to just exist. It might be a little unnerving. Maybe you’re afraid you’ll get so used to ‘resting’ you’ll never be able to work again, or that you’ll become a lazy couch potato. 

And that’s the thing. We need to learn how to relax. How to unwind. How to watch Netflix and not get addicted. There’s nothing wrong with binge-watching: except when that binge-watching is replacing studying for an upcoming test. Believe you me, I had that problem. My solution was to stop watching Netflix entirely during schooling days, but I’ve realised that was never a viable solution. I essentially ‘ran away’ from my problem. We need to learn it’s okay to like things, and learn how to do so in moderation. If you’re planning on watching then getting back to work, write it down in a schedule and commit to going back to work after your break. 

Little by little, discipline will form.

PROBLEM #2: Misconceptions about hard work.

 I know the grades I achieve come from hard work (and not from being intrinsically genius) but a lot of times my peers don't see that, so they continue to project that unhealthy mentality of "gifted kids" no matter how much I try to change their minds. It’s a huge labelling thing, that I am guilty of too.

“He/she is the smart kid.” The ‘smart’ kids being people who’d achieve the best grades, top all the exams. They were the ones people wanted in their group projects. Then of course, there were the ‘quiet’ kids, and all the other classroom personalities. 

A lot of the time, I was labelled as one of the smart kids. I suppose in a sense, it could be flattering, but then we’ve got this huge huge huge misconception about what it means to be ‘smart’. It’s also a little heartbreaking, specially in Primary school, when people only want to befriend you because they think you’ll help them out, or join their group and do most of the work. 

I've always held back from speaking out about it, because, nobody wants to hear the ‘smart kid’ complain. I'm afraid people will think that I am being ungrateful, that I'm complaining about getting good grades. But it's not like that at all, and I really hope it doesn't come across that way.

I’m tenth grade, and have another one and half years to go before I graduate from school. I have this huge pressure to do well for my igcses and get all A*, and sometimes I'm not sure if I can do it myself. It's a goal I would like to achieve,, but it's kind of scary. My peers, and my teachers too, I think, are kind of expecting this and I have this horrid fear that I won't make it and everyone will be disappointed! I've ranked first in the year every year since Year 3. And even writing that, and admitting it, is scary to me.  I don’t like talking about those achievements, because there is just so much doubt that follows.

It is motivation to go further, but at the same time, it's "holy shit if I don't make it this year then im going to look like such a disappointment ohmygod ohmygod.. "

“All those books and articles about high-school burn out are right, what if I really have ‘peaked in high school’ and I’m never going to do well in ANYTHING ELSE ever again?” 

It scares me. It really does. But at the same time, I know a lot of these thoughts are not me, but the manifestation of the pressure being put on me. It’s one of those things where you know you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but it’s just so hard not to.

Talking to someone you trust helps.

My ex-Principal and I were quite close, and "close" in the sense that I felt I could talk to her about stress, or feeling pressured, and all that sort. I joined the Prefectorial Board in my school in Year 7, and she was the Prefect Advisor, and that’s really how she got to know me, and perhaps vice-versa. It was only really in Year 8 and 9 when I opened up about my feelings.

Talking to her was probably the first time I had ever talked to anybody, properly talked to anybody, about how stressed and worried I was. I didn't even realise it was something that I had been bottling up, because I literally just burst into tears when she talked to me. 

God, it was kind of embarrassing. We were on our way back from a Leadership conference and I guess the ‘trigger’ was me, having an argument [no, more accurately my dad scolding me on the phone about something] and me, feeling so upset that I finished her box of tissues and I was just like NSKSJSKS :"((.

I've always been someone who can appear confident. I'm a loud, outgoing, extroverted person so maybe that's why. But sitting with my principal and talking to her literally made me realise I had so many insecurities and anxieties that I kept telling myself I didn't have, or I kept pushing away. 

I find it difficult to tell people no, and it’s because I hate letting people down. Out of all my fears, my fear of disappointing others is huge - especially my parents, and it doesn’t really help that I do have that typical ‘Asian mentality’ of doing whatever it takes to make mom and dad happy. They don’t pressure me outwardly, but it’s still “there”. 

To use an euphemism, my ‘bruhh’ moment of realisation was when my principal said to me, ‘nobody really knows, nobody really sees everything behind your results’ - a tip of the ice-berg kind of thing. Hell, I haven’t even summoned the courage to talk about this to my parents. You can’t expect people to psychically know how you feel if you don’t talk to them. I agree - I love both of my parents. I know everything they do is just for the betterment of my well-being.

“Why haven’t you talked to them?” she asked.

I don’t know. I don’t want them to be disappointed, or to be more honest, I don’t want to be a ‘burden’. It sounds stupid... but they’re busy people. My dad is really stressed a lot of the time, and additionally, I only rarely feel so low. 

I’m not going to tell you to talk to your parents if you’re not comfortable, because neither am I [though I hope to get there someday], but you do need to ‘let it out’. Someone you trust, someone who’s going to listen and give good advice is the one you need to talk to.

And hey, my DMs are open too. Though please excuse my social awkwardness sometimes - I will be listening too. 

Something she said that really stuck with me [no, it’s not really anything cosmically amazing], was she asked me:

“What do you want?” 

What do you want to achieve? Is this something that’s going to make you happy? 

And I think in dealing with the pressure to achieve... this is something that’s so, so, so important. If you’re going to be working hard, you should work hard for something that’ll make you happy. Don’t lie to yourself, because then you’ll be lying to yourself for the rest of your life.

This doesn’t mean don’t think about others. Thinking about what you want doesn’t automatically make you a selfish person. It’s something that has helped me move away from being hyper-competitive. It’s a slow, long journey.... but we will all get there, eventually.

<3 lots of love,