#deep deep thoughts

it's taken me a LONG long time (and accepting mediocre shit that i deserved much better than) but im feeling like ive gotten there. i know exactly how to cheer myself up, whether it be reading my favourite passage of a florence given essay or drinking chamomile from a floral teapot. i know exactly what kinds of gifts i like to receive, and i buy these for myself as a treat and excite myself with them. i know when to push myself to my full potential and when to rest and let myself take a breath. i know what kind of affection and support i need from those who aren't myself, when i need to lie on top of a friend for an hour or a shoulder to cry on or gentle backrubs while i sob into my pillow. i know these things because i pay attention to myself and my feelings and im so so so thankful that i can do this, that ive taught myself how to read these signs and truly know what i need and what i deserve.

im excited to find a love that treats me as well as i treat myself, but im also perfectly content with aloneness, which is something i never thought id say as an extravert. but the relationship that ive built with myself is something that ive treasured and worked on for so long, something that required a lot more solitude than i was comfortable with initially but grew to crave and love. i now don't waste energy on those who bore, exhaust or use me. i don't force myself to attend a social event when i know i need to rest. i let myself eat what i want, when i want, because i have now taught myself that food is not just fuel, but pleasure. and i deserve that.