#deedee rants

Okay. Imma make a big boss move today. I’m gonna ask out my crush.... I pray to God he doesn’t have plans or I will literally die

Can I just fucking die in a hole I hate the holidays this year I’m so frustrated and feel so alone. I just want a family of my own so I can have my own tradition and shower them with love and understanding and happiness and peace like why did I have to be born in a family that’s so broken

I can feel the depression creeping back in... I’m trying to push back but it is resisting. What am I to do but pray to God to take it away. He helps me a lot but I let my mind take over sometimes. That’s when I spiral. Watching Disney+ made my childhood come creeping back. The only thing is most of them are memories I’m trying to keep back. I avoid trying to think about it by thinking about my future and how I want it to be. Only that makes shit worse. I feel this heaviness in my chest like right in the middle where my throat begins. I’ll be driving with the music on blast but my eyes still well up. I’ll be working and my eyes fill with tears. I should be happy. I have a baby nephew. My jobs are amazing. My favorite time of the year is just a month away. I haven’t decorated though. That’s when I knew it was getting bad again. I don’t have the energy to decorate. I tell everyone I’m ecstatic for Christmas, for my birthday, for the new year. I bought concert tickets to watch 1D solo tours but even they can’t help me. Money always gets in the way. I daydream of having lots of money. I would have lots of money if only I controlled my spending. That contributes to my frustration and my self hate. Lord I beg you to help me. Please I need this anger that I have in me to go away . Why can’t I be brave why can’t I have wisdom to mature. Why do I have to keep having these dreams of having everything and being happy. I feel like a fake. A failure. I feel anger towards people. It’s not their fault. But I still feel anger and almost hatred towards them. Why? I don’t know? I know I have to come to you Lord openly and lay everything down to be completely healed but I’m scared. I’m scared to be vulnerable. I need to start writing again. My time on this earth is limited and I’m glad because I just want to be in heaven with no worries and just be in pure bliss. I’m going to keep fighting this. I can do it! I can survive. I only need God and my siblings. I only need God. He will never judge me or forsake me because of who I am. My parents do not define who I am or who I might become. My father will not affect my future. My mother will not affect my future. They were both weak. He is a coward and she was complacent. He was a fake and she just didn’t want problems so she let him rule over her. I will not become them. She becomes upset with me when I start opening up to her about certain things and becomes defensive. This is why I NEVER OPENED UP TO YOU, I tell her. She cries and gets hurt. She was never there when I needed her. I shut her out since 5th grade. Since I got my period. She never tried. I never thought of my father as a father. He was just the one that brought some money to the table. I shut him out since early elementary. Nope. I’m not going there. People wonder why I always smile and laugh so much. I have learned that there is no point in showing you’re suffering. Others need to see you smile and laugh because if everyone showed what they were going through in public this world would be more depressing then it already is. I want to help people smile and laugh. Life is so much more happier if you take one day at a time. Pray in the morning and before you sleep. God will always be there. He has greater things for you and I. Fake it till you make. I’m okay now. Me writing this is helping me. I work on myself alone. But you don’t have to. If you need help ask for it. Don’t be scared. Don’t let your anger well up. Nope just kidding now I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. That’s okay I’ll get through it. It’s still there lingering. Sometimes I feel like letting it swallow me up just so I can get it over with. Like have a proper meltdown. Scream and cry punch the wall break the dishes curse at the ground and just crash. Maybe if I let it consume me, it’ll just leave forever after. Okay my breathing is back to normal. There’s still some tightness on my chest. It’ll be okay. Just remember I love you and God loves you. One day at a time. I’ll see you tomorrow

i’ll be bitter about beth greene until my dying day tbh