#deci

"Dear Diary,

"The world you know never seems to take it slow, a tiring pace indeed...

So don’t delay, I’ll be here to save the day!

Just please don’t touch the dial!

Tw/cw: Pet Whump, conditioning, whumpee-thinks-caretaker-is-new-master, touch starvation, mentions of death (in the past), trauma, fear of abandonment 

~1800 words

__________

She was home later than expected, but not too late, the sun hadn’t even set yet. Decima hoped for a calm afternoon, in which she could watch or read something and just… relax. 

She looked at the boy on her floor. Oh yeah. There was that too…

He deserved a nice evening too, but judging from what happened so far he won’t relax easily. 

still she had to try and maybe she will bring up a photo later on, try to figure out how he feels about that…

“Would you like to join me?” she asked Juli, sitting on the couch. 

First thing first she should try to ease him into going on the furniture. Last night he was so scared to go on the bed he started crying. 

He probably wouldn’t climb up there right away, but she wanted him to remember that going up the furniture was an option he could choose. 

“Am… am I allowed to… to go on there?” Juli asked nervously. 

Decima smiled. It was progress!

“Of course you’re allowed, love.” She said trying to look as non-threatening as possible ”You’re always allowed”

“Thank you, Miss, Thank you, I  am truly grateful, I promise I am…” he rambled. For a split second Decima could see him smile. After a few more ‘thank you’-s he crawled up from his place on the floor and kneeled at Decima’s feet. 

She waited for him to go on the couch, to climb up and sit next to her. 

Juli didn’t move.

Or to lay down and wrap himself in a blanket…

Juli didn’t move from his spot. 

Huh, didn’t he just ask and get permission to come?

Decima spent a few moments processing what was just happening. And then it clicked. 

Juli was asking for permission to go on the carpet. 

She felt her heart tighten.

Who hurt him so much that he was afraid to go on a slightly softer part of the floor?

Who could do that to another person?

Decima thought she was making progress. Turned out she didn’t even start to grasp the depth of Juli’s trauma. 

Would it be reasonable to explain herself now? If she would tell Juli that he misunderstood her, he might get scared again. Probably apologize for not getting on the sofa despite her order, and then get a breakdown for being on the sofa despite the rules he was taught. 

Better to leave it there for now. Make him comfortable in her presence and softly reassure him it’s okay to break his conditioning. 

One step at the time… 

__________

Miss said she will rest a bit and he was invited to join her. Of course when Owner invited it was supposed to be read as an order, but Juli couldn’t be happier to receive it. 

He didn’t want to be alone, not anymore. 

He carefully stopped at the edge of the carpet. Going on the one wasn’t against the rules taught in the facility, but again he wasn’t the ordinary case. The ordinary pet - the good one - should be allowed to roam freely around the floor. Juli - back then 739 - had to be more careful. He didn’t deserve that level of comfort and it would be selfish to seek it instead of focusing on becoming better. 

But now he was told to come and in order to do that, he had to get on the soft surface.

Miss said he was allowed. “Always” 

 He slowly put one hand there, then moved his whole body and stopped when he was right next to Miss. 

He was so afraid she would kick him out of the carpet or out of her home, or out of her life but it didn’t happen. 

Was Miss happy with him? 

Then why was she looking at him like that?

Not exactly displeased… Sad? Why would she be sad? Disappointed maybe? Did she expect him to refuse her? But she said he was “always” allowed? He couldn’t resist, that would be bad, but…

Why, why? Why that look?

Maybe there was something more. Maybe the clue was in something he did earlier? Was it about the tantrum he threw earlier? He got scared of a stupid photo, it wasn’t real, it wasn’t his Master, but he was too dumb to understand that and got scared and had to be comforted and sir Justin had to calm him down instead of doing his important work and…

Or maybe he was overthinking. He wasn’t even sure if Miss knew about it. Maybe she just saw him up close in better light and realized how ugly he is and that’s why she was disappointed. 

Or maybe he still didn’t show enough gratitude. 

He bowed down.

“Thank you again for your mercy!” he said, trembling and waiting for her response. 

“You’re welcome” Strange look disappeared from Miss’ face. She wasn’t still fully content, but looked more pleased than before.

So it was the gratitude then. Juli made a mental note to show it off more. 

He kneeled for a while, could be three minutes or half an hour when she said he didn't need to hold the position, and that he can ‘sit comfortably’.

Being on the carpet was already comfortable. But… It was probably a subtle hint that she’s not pleased with him kneeling, maybe he has to pretend to be relaxed too when she’s relaxing. 

So he  sat cross-legged. 

It was… nice. The carpet was fluffy and soft and warm, so warm… And Miss must have been satisfied enough with him, because she petted his head. 

Juli leaned into her hand and earned more headpats. 

If only this could last forever. The warmth and the touch that was denied him for so long and the feeling of… having a purpose?

__________

Decima reached out and cautiously petted Juli’s hair. She was unsure if that wouldn’t scare him, but it seemed like he enjoyed it. He was leaning into her hand and his breath calmed down. 

She had to address the whole photo thing. If he thought something weird and it caused him some sort of anxiety, his recovery may be impossible. 

She wasn’t sure how to start it though. 

The touch calmed him down, so maybe if she…

__________

If only this could last forever… If only…

Juli tried to focus on the soft hand on his head, to get this moment engraved in memory. 

Miss let him lay his head on her lap and it was so comfy and warm…

He almost felt like a lapdog. 

The nice, praised, beloved Pet. 

And it did not last forever. 

“Juli?” 

“Yes, Miss?” 

She cleared the throat, before asking the question.

“That photo… Did it scare you?”

She… Miss already knew about the photo? Juli didn’t catch it when she was informed. Or maybe it was just true that Owners always knew everything. 

But it wasn’t time to dwell on that, there was a question he had to answer. 

Did the photo scare him? Yes, it did, the blood and the lifeless eyes…

But also it wasn’t the photo that terrified him, it was his memories, and he wasn’t scared of blood, nor a photo of blood, but a corpse, like that…

“I don’t know,” he said. 

‘I don’t know’ is not an answer, said Trainer’s voice in his head. 

“It’s alright,” said Miss “sometimes… sometimes it’s hard to name our feelings”

She was so patient with him, even when he was so stupid… or maybe she was patient, because she knew he was stupid?

“But you were shaken in some way, right?”

He agreed, mostly because disagreeing with Owner was a bad idea, but also because it was true. 

“Could you tell me what made you feel that way? You can take some time to think”

Juli nodded and tried to collect his thoughts. Focus on answering the question. Don’t cry. You can cry all you want when you’re alone at night, but now get yourself together and answer a simple question. 

“I just got reminded of why I was on the discount” he answered in the calmest voice he could manage. 

“So that unfortunate event with your old Master?”

Miss said ‘unfortunate’ like this was an accident and not something he did.  

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

“That’s right.” His voice was shaking. He had to calm down. “And… sir Justin…”

“What about him?” Miss asked carefully

Juli realized it sounded like he was complaining or accusing Sir. But it was too late to back out now. 

“He was scary too” 

There was a moment of silence.

“I didn’t mean that he was supposed to be nice to me or anything, he showed so much patience already and it’s not that I am ungrateful, I know I deserved less, I probably overreacted, thinking it will be like before, when I saw the body… I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything”

“I asked you, didn’t I?” said Deci “I won’t punish you for answering to the best of your ability”

Miss was so nice. Juli was sure he said something wrong, but she saw he was trying and decided it was enough. Being good is not enough. Trainers used to say Your future owner won’t accept anything less than perfection. 

But Miss wasn’t like that, right? She was nothing but kind. 

Maybe it was a trick too and maybe Juli was stupid for failing for it, but he found himself in desperate need to believe that there was anyone who didn’t despise him. Even if that kindness was fake, Juli felt like he would go insane if spend another day in a world that is nothing but hostile to him. 

So he let himself believe Miss wasn’t setting him up for failure. 

“It’s not that I didn’t like it when he was there… he was patient with me and wasn’t mad that I looked at his stuff and… He was scary, but I know he probably didn’t mean to be”, the Pet confessed, letting himself trust that Miss really was interested in his silly thoughts and how he interpreted Human’s behavior. 

“I’m not sure, if that will help you feel more at ease,” said Miss, petting Juli’s hair, “but when I first came on the land I had no idea of how this culture and people were formed. And Justin and his family helped me out and… Well, what I’m going at is that I also didn’t know anything about Pets and if Justin didn’t explain everything to me back then I would probably fall for some propaganda and treat you way worse. So if I am kind - I hope I am, I’m trying to be - well all that kindness is learned from Justin, so even if he’s intimidating he’s also compassionate, and gentle and… he’s just a good person”

Juli let his head rest against Miss’s leg. 

“I understand, Miss.” he said, closing his eyes and relaxing a little “Thank you”

__________