+ + + INTERCEPTED UNDERHIVE BROADCAST + + +
+ + + INTERROGATORS DISPATCHED TO LOCATE & TERMINATE SOURCE + + +
VOICE 1: ...from the ad break; you're still listening to UHFK 106.6 THE SCUM! Hang on, Gristle, I'm getting a note from our producers. We... have a caller?
VOICE 2: Aww, but Belch, I wanted to get back to our [peaking audio] 48 HOUR DJ SYNAPSE NON-STOP APOCALYPSE PARTY!!! [several air horns play, followed by the sound of panicked transmissions from members of the Planetary Defense Force mixed over sloppy chewing audio effects]
VOICE 1: We'll make it quick, one way or another! Gotta keep the producers happy - let's put this freak on the line!
VOICE 3: [crackly, through radio static] Help? Is this the emergency line? It's so dark. It's so quiet. I think there's someth-
VOICE 2: EMPEROR'S [audio peaks, word unintelligible], BELCH! This scummer thinks he's got the Arbites line!
VOICE 1: [choking back laughter] Hey! Hey! Caller, if you can hear us, help is deeeefinitely on the way. We're sending a whole company of the Emperor's Finest right to your coordinates! This is the day that peace and justice finally dawns on the Underhive!
VOICE 2: ...PSYCHE! You're totally FRAKKED, caller! No one's coming! Not for you, not for any of us!
VOICE 3: Oh no. Oh, Lord, no. Lord on Terra, save me from perdition. I can see its eyes. I don't want to die, I don't want to die, Throne preserve me -
VOICE 2: Hey, Belch, can we get those whimpers for the soundboard?
VOICE 1: Waaaaay ahead of you, Gristle. [comical boing sound effect, followed by VOICE 3's panicked entreaties to the Emperor of Man, pitched high and sped up]
VOICE 3: It's just staring. It has so many eyes. I can't stop - I can't stop - I can't move -
VOICE 2: Yeah, okay, BORED NOW! if this dipshit isn't gonna get eaten let's just put DJ SYNAPSE back on.
VOICE 1: No, Gristle, think! Forget the scummer who called us - we've got one of the Star Children on the line!
VOICE 2: Wait, yeah! Hang on, caller, buddy, can you put your vox closer to the creature? Get it right up in those... fangs? Tentacles? What's it got?
VOICE 3: It's... it's... oh, Terra. My arm - it's got my arm - it burns - [loud, inhuman slurping]
VOICE 1: Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff. Can you hear that, listeners? The favored children of the True Emperor have blessed us with their visage. Gristle, do you think it's time?
VOICE 2, VOICES 4, 5, 6 [simultaneous, in disharmony. Efforts are ongoing to identify source and identity of additional voices]: NOT YET. BUT SOON. THE SKY FILLS WITH ANGELS. WE SHALL SOON ASCEND.
VOICE 1: Thanks, Gristle! It's always wonderful to hear from our producers. I think we can wrap that call [vox disconnection click] and get back to the sloppiest, twistiest, and most monstrous of all beats! You know them, you love them, DJ Synapse produced their latest album: DEATHLEAPER!
+ + + Thought for the day: Reach out to embrace the glories that shall come. + + +













