#dearseries

Dear Potato Bake,

The phrase 'you need to love yourself before you love other people' never really mattered to me until I got into the deepest of oceans with you. I never thought I would end up with you but I never thought we would split like this either. An explosion of questions, assumptions and complications came rolling out of my mouth and here we are. I guess people will never know what's going on between us for now but I'm happy to keep people guessing. The clarity and faith we hold that both of us will be together in the end is something I can't doubt, like I always say; I'll always end up at your door. It's hard to not let peoples assumptions get to me considering you're the most popular person I know. I feel like you live in the clouds, but I want to join you, unfortunately I'm tied down to the ground. You're an addiction to me, I've never been loved the way you had loved me. My previous lovers were sweet but you have a tough shell to crack. Once you get in everything is different to what everyone thinks. You can be so sweet, sometimes it hurts just to say goodbye. I miss you intensely and treating you like a friend (for now) fucking hurts. I have no control over other women or your actions. Most nights I can't sleep without you, your warm body with your awkward arm around my shoulders became a custom to me. I don't want to leave that behind but for you, I will strip all we've had. Not everything about this is sad, we were fucking adorable together. When it's you and I in your single bed just talking shit while just simply being in love. Even our Monday Grill'd phase, I have never had someone that has done that with me. Spending everyday with you is something I love and is something I've burned into routine, it's going to be weird having even more time to myself, it's probably not going to be the best but I mean I want to respect our decision as much as I can. Potato Bake, you've honestly made me fall head over heels for you. You have taken my heart and I'm going to let you run away with it. I don't know if you'll come back, but I'll always be waiting by my window. I will always need you in my life, I will always crave you. I've always had eyes on you the day we started talking, I will always be here for you. I will run to you if I have to. You're always on my mind every second of the day. I hope you'll still love me, not from beauty but from my words when we finally re connect. If you call for me I'll be there. It's going to be lonely driving without you, but I sure will be thinking of you. I am in love with you. You're the one for me and I will never want to let that go, so don't for a second think you're forgotten.

Dear my sister to be,

You’re defiantly the one friend who is always here, always. We went months without seeing each other when we left school but then we were re united by our un healthy gym obsession. I would watch you lift weights as you turned and greeted me with a smile, you would come up to me as if we just saw each other yesterday. You made me feel feminine again. Something about you, the hair, the makeup, the nails. It all makes me smile, it’s just you. I realized how much you meant to me the day of the car accident. Every friend I messaged just replied with “are you okay?” but you were different. You dropped everything and came running to me. You wrapped your arms around me, grabbed my phone and sorted me out. Not only that but you spent a whole day with me, getting me out the house again and making me smile. You fed me positivity, love and compassion, something I’d thought was completely lost. You always remind me how proud you are of me, you don’t understand how good that makes me feel. You have a young heart and a carless soul which fills everyone with spirit. You’re also opinionated, very much so, some people see that as a bad thing but I personally think it’s fantastic. You’re such a dedicated friend, sometimes I feel bad. I will never forget the time you and your boyfriend went through a rough patch, it left you feeling lonely and vulnerable. You called and texted me to come over, you needed me and I know you did. But, I didn’t come. Stuck in the cycle of my new job, I was full of fear of losing it, but in reality, I should’ve been scared of losing you. You stayed though, and I was full of relief. Not a day goes by where I regret my actions of that week. I’m sorry. I want you to know that you are my rock, you’re a part of my soul that I refuse to lose. You have an amazing ambition and such great balance in your life. I aspire to be like you, I aspire to have a future together. Thank you for being you. Every day of our friendship I have treasured. Seeing you all during the week is defiantly the highlight of my life. You’re my ball of hope and seeing you again brings me back to life. You bring everyone to life. 

Sincerely

Dear crush,

Ever since I’ve known you I’ve been set on you. Everything you do and say is so graceful. You have a rough touch to you, your past screams right through you, but that’s okay because you own it. No matter how many people bring it up, write about it or scream at you for it you manage to go on. You’ve had the life people would die for but you took it under the wrong impression. Everyone grew up and got clean and you struggled to follow that path. It all hit you at once, and now there you are in rehab. Most people see that as a bad thing, but I’m proud you had the guts to do so. I love you, I love you so much no one can replace you. I’ll never get to touch you or call you mine, you don’t even know I exist. I’m a speck of dust in this universe and you’re the sun, burning bright and strong. Every day I think of you, it’s only been years. I’ve gone through so many men, sexual experiences to locate what’s missing but I know it’s you. Your beautiful long hair and a body full of art. Your mind is drenched in creativity and each day I would die to jump into your beautiful soul. My friends always joke about me marrying you, but that’s only one of my dreams I will never grab. That’s okay, you can remain the angelic fancy I’ve made in my head. I know you’re not perfect, far from it, but, maybe that’s the beauty of it all. Keeping you a fantasy in my small narrow brain forever. The thought of you draws my knuckles white, I become flustered. Something no other man can make me feel, I truly adore you.

Sincerely

Dear Scottish Relative,

I already know for a fact you won’t ever see this because you don’t know the existence of Tumblr. I’m going to write anyway. God, you’re so beautiful. The short period I was united with you was a glimpse of hope for me. Knowing there was someone on the other side of the world who was just like me. You made family feel like family to me. In the Sutherland clan, I feel like a total outcast. I don’t speak or choose to socialize with anyone because for some strange reason when it comes to family I have nothing to say, but you made me feel okay with that. Dad always points out how much of a nobody I am, how silent I can be. I hate that. But you stuck up for me. I regret the way I acted when I was with you that week. Thinking back, I was at the peak of my aggressive depression so everything was such an effort, plus my old cinema job which kept taking me away from you all. I remember the day you all went to the beach and I couldn’t come because I had work, that sucked. I would’ve loved to be in my favourite place with my favourite member. It’s sad, I won’t see you for years now. Maybe when I see you again I’ll be different. I have so much to tell you, so many stories and experiences, sad and good. I wish you were here.

I remember when I got the worst haircut in the world and I came into the house crying with embarrassment and everyone laughed at me. I sat for hours in my room, then you came in and sat by my side. “I know how it feels and it’s okay! It’ll grow out!” you let me cry on your shoulder. Being the ridiculously sensitive soul I am, I really appreciated it. Every morning you would wake up at 11:30AM and ponder out in a little dressing gown, and I would’ve come back from the gym sweating away. I love that you love exercise as much as I do, it makes me happy. I miss you lots, I wish I could move to Scotland and be with you. I’ve got a full-time job now so holidays will be a bit harder but if I ever become brave enough I’ll head on over by myself. I feel a deep connection between us, you know, we’re exactly the same (but you’re sweeter). Observing your words and actions made me so happy, you felt just like a best friend I hadn’t seen in years. You’ll always influence me even though you’re across the world, I aspire to be like you every single day. You’re a ball of light when you enter the room and I can’t wait to be like you. You have the life I’ve always wanted and you deserve it. You deserve happiness and the possible best outcomes. I hope one day I can see you again, hopefully sometime soon. I’ve chosen you to be in this series because you made me feel at home. You made me feel connected and loved, you really showed you cared. You’re small but sweet actions have impacted me, even till today. I love you and I miss you.

 Yours Sincerely

Dear Fling,

I remember when I first saw you, across a club floor. My head was spinning as I took a shot with my friend by my side. Moments, seconds pasted of disorientation and there you were. In front of me, holding me. Ah, what a memory. You were fun, we would have a hopeless romantic vibe about us, as much as we denied a future, little did we know we had one coming. Months passed, hook ups, texting, phone calls and drunk slurs about how much we adored each other. This brings us to my favourite park. Lying under the stars, our bodies tangled together. You asked me to be your girlfriend, I bit my tongue and said yes. There’s something about a pressure we had, a rush. At first I thought it was okay but it creeped up on me and slammed me to the ground. From sitting by each others side in a cab, to meeting parents and talking about a future all within a month scared me. I sat. I thought about other men and what it must've been like to be single. I jumped from one serious relationship and landed into your arms. I wish I didn't. I wish I could've met you  later. I wish I could've met you when I was over my "First Love". I wish I was emotionally ready for you. But, you see I wasn't. I wanted to be in a relationship so everyone could look at me and think 'How did she do that?' it wasn't worth it. A month of us dating went past, everyday I didn't want to break it off but I had no choice. I lost attraction, but most of all, II lost myself. Why do I want to be in a relationship? I asked myself and the answer was 'to not be  lonely'. How fucking stupid, right? I sat with my journal and wrote 'I miss my friends' and that’s when I realized I had these beautiful friends I completely ditched just to be with you. Just to have the label. I'm sorry to all my beautiful girlfriends for hiding in the dark, but that’s all over now. There was nothing wrong with you, you made me feel superior and confident. But when someone looses that special feeling, you can't force it back. Did I love you? No, no I didn't. In the spur of the moment I felt like I did but in reality, when it came to the long term, I didn't. I'm sorry I opened my mouth, but you never know if something feels right until you say it. On a more positive note, you met me at one of my darkest times and you lifted me up feeding me love and confidence. You actually gave a shit when I felt like I was consumed by hate. You were there as a positive light my friends couldn't provide at the time. You are truly a special kid, but we aren't meant to be. I can see your future with a lovely girl who adores you and showers you with as much affection as you gave to me. I know you still think of me, its obvious. But if you ever read this I want you to know that we have to much history, to much baggage. I feel like one day we will cross paths again in a different manner. I mean to me I see you as a close friend. We've seen each other raw to the bone and that's something I will treasure about you. Not many people open up the way you did but I will keep that between us, it was special. Anyway, for now stay safe. Taking pills and drinking isn't the way to living life to its potential. Save up, go travel, go do literal activities that mean something to you. A memory you'll remember and not forget. Make your life full and fulfilling. Don't waste away on drugs and alcohol in the corner of Brass Monkey every Friday night. Wake up kid, there’s much more to life. I hope one day you'll realize it.

Dear Best friend,

You're number two in my series, you're probably one of the most significant people in my life. Sometimes I feel like I can't connect with you, when I know you're down you struggle to open up, but that’s okay. You've inspired me like that, not in a bad way. Some people open up so much everyone can look into every section of their life and assume they know it all. That’s what I like about you, you're a secret. I'm making you sound more serious than you really are. I remember when I first saw you, I was scared because you intimidated me. You sat and spoke confidently in the group of girls, I'm so happy I opened my mouth to you. You've opened up my eyes and when I'm with you I feel completely at ease. You've seen me in tears and you came to sit by my side, you don't say much, but just having you there gives me piece of mind. You're so amazing and I'm so in love with you, my best friend, my soulmate. I have never been so obsessed with someone in my life before, but I know you like it. Sometimes I worry about you, but I know if you needed me you wouldn't hesitate and I would be there in a heart beat. I'm so jealous of your lifestyle, you. You're careless and naturally smart, you have that vibe everyone loves. You probably have so many best friends you don't know about. From being with you everyday in school to drifting into adult life, our bond is still strong as stone. When you went to America for five months I got sad, really sad. It was that point I realized how much you do for me and how much your presence means to me. I'm worried for when you move. I've tried making other friends for the short term but in the end you're so unique I can't have a mini fix. I support you in your journeys, but keep in mind being on your own in a new environment is hard. In America you had a  family, this time you'll be an adult. Think wisely, learn to budget and to keep clean. Find a job you enjoy over there, something that makes you happy. I know a new guy at work who’s come from another country, and talking to him about it was eye opening. Everything is different, everything. You can do it though, being independent can be fun, just make sure you're ready for the step you're about to take. I love you and I want you to be ready. Anyway, enough of the mum talk. Why are you significant in my life? I really don't know, you're just there but I love it. You're always just there, a seven minute drive, in the hospital with me, sleeping next to me. You're just always there.

Sincerely

When everyone is in awe of what comes natural to you… soak it all in and take it as fuel to charge up the inner wheels that will drive your future to new heights

please don’t waste your time surrounding yourself with loudness because you're afraid of the silence. What glitters isn’t always gold…remember this about people.