#dearmatt

I. Am. So. Sorry.

I've been so insanely busy with lie that I kind of haven't had a moment to fart, let alone type a super long message. But that's NO EXCUSE. I hate myself, I'm sorry, don't make me feel worse ;)

I miss you so much lately. I've had a few horrible days (I've been sick as well as depressed) and life has been moving super fast again. I've been in and out of uni, job hunting (still) and house hunting (still) and I'm getting scared of going broke. I don't like this adult being - I want to go back to being a stupid little kid who gets told what to do and has life taken care of for them. I need to take charge of my life. But things are going to be okay, I can tell. I'm staying hopeful, because there's not much else I can do.

I have a lot to tell you, but I don't think I can do it publicly just yet. Some stuff is changing and I don't know how I feel about it, but it's depressing and incredibly exciting at the same time.

On a more positive note! I'm meeting some lovely people! The girl I told you about, the one I met at the interview? This weekend she took me to the Moomba Festival and we just had the best time ever! I'm not too sure what the festival was celebrating (there's a festival on essentially every weekend. When D was here, there was a festival to celebrate a street. A street, Matt), but I had such a good night that I'm beginning to feel very at home here in Melbourne. I feel wildly free here, like I can do anything! And it scares me, like 70% of the time, but the other 30% is filled with happy nerves and a sense that the world has opened it's doors and when I'll walk through, I'll see things I never even imagined. (Vagina metaphor?)

I'm making some lovely new friends at uni. There's this girl, Lizzie - she's a bit like Willow (except not gay, not a witch and not ginger) and I really like spending time with her. We have philosophy together which is awesome because it's my fourth hardest subject so we can just chill and chat.

But nobody's replacing you. I miss you so fucking much - you're constantly on my mind. The search for a job has doubled so that I can finally have you over here.

I love you!

Things have not been good.

Lately I've been feeling things. Bad things. Ever since D left, I've been feeling heavy and scared, like the thing I'm most scared of is coming back. Today I sat and watched people walking up and down the main city streets for two hours, just silently watching them. I don't really know why, but I just felt terrible. But then I got back and Skyped D for three and a half hours and I feel better now. I just really want to come home for a while, but I can't because uni's starting so soon.

I'm living with James at the moment. I haven't signed papers or nothing, but it's free accommodation for a while. It's not too bad - he's nice enough, but he's significantly older than me so there's not a large amount we can do together. We went to a bar on Saturday with some of his mates - it was weird. It was just a bunch of blokey Aussie guys speaking with the heaviest accents and slang I've ever heard. I just fucking sat there nodding my head and wanting to go the fuck to bed. Anyway, I could live here, but it's a bit far out and I'd rather live with people that are a bit closer to my age. But I dunno... We'll see.

I've been wanting to write in my diary for a while now, but I don't have the energy and the thought of it scares me. I like keeping my diary, it helps me get everything out, and once it's all over and time has passed, I like reading back to how I felt, what I did, who I was thinking of. But lately I've just been consumed with the longing of home, my friends, my boyfriend, my family. It's been so insanely hard this past week. I feel so incredibly alone. Everyone back home is starting uni together, holding hands, busy with one another, and I'm here sitting by my computer waiting for someone to remember I exist. I don't mean to make you feel guilty - you've been incredible to me! And so has D. But people I thought would want to talk to me... haven't been. And I don't blame them - life is scary for all of us at the moment. I guess I, like everyone else right now, am being selfish.

I'm sorry to be so heavy. I've just had an awful day. I come and check the blog every day to see if you've written me. I like the nice surprise of finding a cute little letter. I miss you, Matty. There's so much here I want to show you! I don't want to leave, you know. This city is incredible. It's huge, insanely huge, and I can't wait to take over it. I just wish I could teleport all you guys over here, help you realise that New Zealand is amazing, but here is a whole other level.

I hope you and Dory are best friends already. He's so dorky, my big adopted cousin! I miss him telling me how smart he is. If you ever do talk, beware: he will blow your mind. You'll walk away feeling crazy stupid. But he's awesome.

Miss you, thinking of you, loving you.

I'm so sorry for my slack writing. You see, my old hostel made me pay $3 an hour for WiFi, so I just never got it. And so I went about a week or so without WiFi, and I couldn't write to you. Lame excuse, I know. But I'm here now!

It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I met some new friends, and I may finally have a place! I got a job, but I had to drop it for a few reasons. Here's a list:

1. It's commission. There's no base pay - it's all about how much you sell. And for every $90 you sell, you keep $12, which is ridiculous, painful and a little insulting. :L

2. It's 7 30am start. You get trained for 20 minutes in the morning which you don't get paid for. Waste of time.

3. Each day, you could be at a different shopping center. In the morning,you're driven to your shopping center and you spend the day there, but at the end of the shift you have to find your own way home. For someone who has NO IDEA WHERE ANYTHING IN THIS CITY IS, this job sucks.

So I said thanks but no thanks and now I'm jobless again but the cash is still flowing out.

But on the subject of friends - when I was flat hunting, I discovered a wonderful young fella named James. His apartment was seemingly too far away so I said no thanks, but we ended up meeting up for a drink and we had a great time! He's hilarious and kind of like you, but not gay and not sassy and what am I saying nobody in the world is like you. But he's still great. Also, I went to the job interview I'd met a girl called R (will fill you in on proper name later in case she ever finds this) there, and we ended up having coffee. She's been messaging me every single day wanting to hang out, kind of like someone we know.. ;) She's super sweet and I'd love to hang out with her again sometime soon, but I've been slightly preoccupied these past four days with something (one) way more important.

I had the most incredible four days of my life with you-know-who. I can't even begin to find the words to describe how perfect they were - I have never felt so happy in my whole entire existence. I won't go into the mushy details, it'll bore you ad everyone who reads this. But I will say that I'm absolutely, 100% the luckiest girl that's ever lived. Now that he's gone back home I feel as though someone's torn my insides out and everything that I thought I could do, I feel as though I can't anymore. I wish I could rewind and relive yesterday and the day before that over and over again. 

I don't have too much to report. I'm sorry again about my slackness - I'll write you another letter later in the week

Love and miss you always,

Today I arrived at Tullamarine International airport in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia at 9:50 am. I walked out of the terminal shaking, puffy eyed and completely lost. I struggled to drag my little red carry-on suitcase and my GIGANTIC 25KG MONSTER OF A CHECK-IN BAG. Everyone was staring at me because I was wearing a singlet that was far too big and was being pulled down by my bag, exposing my lovely Elle McPherson bra. Not to mention, I was sweating my fucking ass off, I was crying, and it was raining. A wonderful start. 

I found myself a SkyBus, which is an airport bus service that takes you to the  city centre. The bus ride took 20 minutes, during which I listened to my first ever song in Melbourne... and for some reason it was 'The Times They Are A-Changin'' by Bob Dylan. When I arrived at the SkyBus station, I was told there's a free service to the main hotels in the CBD. Unfortunately, the Nunnery wasn't one of them; so I was dropped off at the closest hotel and had to walk along the impossibly long Nicholson Street to the Nunnery, still struggling to drag my bags in the rain. When I finally found the place, I realized the Nunnery wasn't going to be all hipster and whatever. There's more to it. I opened the door to my room and a black Spanish dude was sitting on one of the bottom bunks, talking on the phone, and a girl asleep in the top bunk next to him. The only remaining bed was a top bunk (goddamnit) so I put my new sheets on the bed and dumped my stuff. Nobody spoke to me, nobody acknowledged me. I felt totally alone.

I freshened up in the bathroom and took a tram to the city centre. There, I got an Australian Sim card (with Vodafone, in case you were wondering), and opened a bank account (with ANZ).

The rest of the day has been a weird blur. I got hungry around three and got a burger at a little place called the Soul Cafe. Inside this cafe was a pokies, and the only people in the cafe and in the pokies were 70+. I sat at a little table by myself where the pokies and the cafe meet, and in front of me was an old Russian couple arguing very loudly. The wife was being such a bitch, man - she was trying to drag her husband to the pokies and he clearly just wanted to go home. Anyway, I spilled some fucking burger sauce on my new tights and I spent the whole day smelling really strongly of it.

I arrived back at the Nunnery ready to take a shower and hit the hay when I realised that a) I forgot a case for my contacts and b) the fucking Nunnery doesn't provide you with a towel. So, back the the city I trammed, and bought my stuff. This is all very boring, I know, but I just thought I'd tell you about how weird this whole day has been. I've been in sort of a haze for most of it...

Anyway, right now it's 7:29PM and I'm writing to you from my lovely top bunk. I keep all my stuff locked, so every time I need something - be it a bottle of water, deodorant or a jumper, I have to climb down and fuck everyone off with the creakiness of the bed. And now I'm really hungry again but I am NOT tramming to the city again - I'd rather starve.

I miss you. So, so, SO much. I want you here with me, making fun of old people at the pokies or reminding me to buy a towel or contacts cases or going to the goddamn supermarket to buy some food to keep up here on my lonely top bunk. This has been a horrible, awful day. The worst day. I want to come home, but part of me doesn't want to give up.

I'm going to look at some apartments now. This has been so surreal.

I love you,

I think I'm always going to love you. It's been a year, and I still battle with this issue. Since July, we've talked on and off, and you come and go as you please. I won't be honest, and tell you that I'm okay with it because in reality, I'm far from it. I miss you every day, and I wish you would simply stay in my life. You had a huge impact on me, and you were very loving towards me, but I guess that changes. What hurts me is that you just won't stay. I guess I've said this more than enough times, but I'm never going to feel like it's enough. You come in these random spurts, and I just deal with it. 

Today I'm writing my first ever letter to you on this blog. I don't know what to think, or how to feel - am I excited that this adventure is about to begin? Am I scared shitless that every letter is going to break my heart just a little? I don't know, man. But I know that this is a brilliant idea and I can't wait to share it with you.

I know I haven't left yet, but I wanted to start writing to you at least a week before I go so that we can get into the swing of things. I'm still pretty new to all this, as I'm sure you are. But so far so good!

As you know, I'm off to the University of Melbourne exactly one week from today, leaving you here in Auckland. Earlier this week I decided to double major in Media Communications and English & Theatre. Well, I chose my university papers today. They all seem so interesting! Here's a list:

SEMESTER ONE:

Literature and Performance

Reason

Media and Society

Communication and Performance 1

SEMESTER TWO:

Contemporary Performance Analysis

Spontaneous Drama; Improv and Communities

Introduction to Media Writing

They all look so cool, right? I still need to choose another paper for the second semester, but I'm keeping the option open in case I want to continue with Comm and Performance.

I saw your new YouTube video you made! It's adorable. Honestly, I think you're so brave for going out and doing that for yourself. I'm so proud of you. <3

One week. One more week till one door closes, and another gigantic iron-steel door creaks wide open. I can't wait to post photos of my hostel, the street, my friends and professors, the uni, and, of course, Dean Sanchez. He's out there somewhere. I'll find him for you, kidnap him, and release him only under the condition that you come live with me, because I don't know how I'll survive without you.

Okay, well. This is it. How'd I do? Was this good?

Love always,