just a phase.

My mind is made up of a million different thoughts that are constantly racing through my mind. Never do these thoughts stop, and they sure as hell aren’t going to slow down. They’re going at a constant rate, and there’s not much I can really do about it. With that being said, tonight is one of those nights.

All day, I’ve been crying on and off. These last two days have been possibly one of those worse days that no child should go through. I got in a fight with my parents. I yelled at my step mom because I’m tired of not being enough, and I’m tired of getting yelled at for things I can’t control. My father told me I wasn’t enough, and he called me a shit daughter. The two said things that they can never take back, whether it be in the heat of the moment or not. My step mom accused of me hitting her, and my dad believed her. He took her side, and refused to listen to my side. I was the problem child, and I’ve done nothing but do my very best, and I was still made out to be the problem. 

I’m a good daughter. I’m a good person. I’m a good student. I work my ass off to the point where I burn myself out. I try so hard to the point where I lose sleep at night. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I work hard and give my all to anything and everything I do. I have straight A’s, I’m on the honor role, I’m president of Random Acts of Kindness, and I’m captain of the dance team. I am loud, opinionated, argumentative, controlling, demanding, impatient, psychotic, but I am not a violent person. I can’t even playfully shove a person without feeling guilty. I can’t hurt a butterfly, or squish an ant without feeling bad so I sure as hell wouldn’t lay my hand on an adult. 

All day, I’ve been crying on and off and I’ve come to realize that once I leave, I don’t have to look back. I’ve realized that my dad isn’t as great as I used to think he was. I realized that since the age of 5, I’ve raised myself and continuing doing so. I’ve realized that because my parents are never around, I feel like a burden when they are. I’m independent, loving, trustworthy, compassionate, and hard working. I never give up, no matter how much I want to. I work my ass off for things that I want and deserve. Never have I once taken an easy route out because that’s not the type of person I am. I do everything to the best of my ability and exhaust myself out. 

I’m independent. I used money in a responsible way. I save up money, and use it when I really need it. I don’t ask for more than I need, I don’t ask for things I want without feeling guilty. I know better. I’m respectful, and gracious, and I have gratitude towards everything in my life. I’ve been trying to convince myself how amazing I am all day, and I’ve had a million people try to cheer me up today. I made this post to remind myself that I’m great. Whether I realize it now or not, I am doing great and I will do great in life. This is just a phase, and it will all pass over.

I miss the person I used to be. I miss my old life, when I wasn’t so insecure. I miss talking to Austin and Matt all day. I miss falling asleep with my boys, my best friends, being able to know the people that I loved were simply a phone call away. I just miss last year. I miss the way it was. I miss the way everyone was.

I think I'm always going to love you. It's been a year, and I still battle with this issue. Since July, we've talked on and off, and you come and go as you please. I won't be honest, and tell you that I'm okay with it because in reality, I'm far from it. I miss you every day, and I wish you would simply stay in my life. You had a huge impact on me, and you were very loving towards me, but I guess that changes. What hurts me is that you just won't stay. I guess I've said this more than enough times, but I'm never going to feel like it's enough. You come in these random spurts, and I just deal with it. 

January 13, 2014. 

I'm at the point in my time where I'm seconds away from breaking down and crying. I haven't been around much, and I'm sorry for that. But it's been busy, and it's been stressful. Megan left dance team saturday, so it's been stressful to fix team and everything. Finals are next week, and I have a quizz tomorrow, and a test thursday, and a shit load of review things I need to do. I'm very overwhelmed. I feel like I'm seconds away from crying. I'm ready to as I'm writing this. 

I'm really tired of getting hurt. I'm really tired of getting attached to people, only to have them leave. I'm tired of trying to be the perfect student. I'm tired of trying to put myself out there to get screwed over in the end. I'm mad at Oliver. I'm mad at the Sways. I'm mad at Tate, I'm mad at Brax. I'm pissed off at Megan, and I'm just not handling this very well. I'm at the point where I just want to cry and give up, and I'm so tempted to go back to cutting. And I'm so tempted to just...leave. 

January 6 - 7, 2015.

SO BASICALLY. I've already failed to complete writing every day. I got lazy after practice yesterday because I was just exhausted, and didn't do my homework or any of that jazz. SO, that's why I lacked yesterday. But that's okay! Nothing too exciting happened yesterday, or nothing exciting enough for me to remember? Jonathan came to visit and ugh, I've missed him so much. My goodness he's such a cutie! But other than that, the most exciting thing was dance. All we really did was clean, so meh. Nothing to ramble about.

TODAY THOUGH, well. Jesus it's been an eventful day! For starters, I am an absolutely wonderful mood. Why? I don't know considering the day has been a bit shitty. AHAH. Oliver and I got into a fight (Surprise) he slept with Alex last night, gross. It doesn't offend nor upset me though. Which is surprising? Something really weird happened today. Basically, Oliver told me I was a lying bitch, a cheater, that I deserved no one, and no happiness. That I wasn't good enough for anyone and I deserved to be alone. I think he said it to make himself feel better, or he's just that type of person and I didn't see it until now. But he has another girl already, so yay for him.

But as he was telling me all these horrible things, I didn't really feel anything? I was just numb, and I kind of blocked it out. Like I wasn't going to let his words effect me. I get that what I did was horrible and unforgivable, but I'd never go to the lengths of telling a person that they weren't enough. That kind of crossed the line for me, you know? It's just such a big let down, and I get that he's hurt, and what I did was horrible, but still. There's nothing to excuse that. 

What I did was horrible, and what he did was horrible. We're even in my world, and I'm just glad we're not together. I really am okay and there's no doubt in my mind that one of these days I'm going to crash and burn and cry about everything and anything. I think I just stopped caring the second he said, "Good." When I told him he gave me a panic attack. Yeah, I got a panic attack from being so overwhelmed. But I'm okay now! I'm doing okay. I'm just going on about my day, and I'm just doing me. I want to be happy, and I've built myself up for so long to actually feel pretty and worth it, that I'm not going to let him bother me. You know? He deserves better than me, and I deserve better than being told that I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve happiness. I'm sorry but even the worst people deserve happiness. And I can't even say that to my worst enemy. Even when Alex got with David, I still wanted them to be happy. I'm far from being an angel, but I still have a heart.

January 5, 2015.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm the worst girlfriend anyone could possibly have, but let me explain. I cheated on Oliver. Yeah yeah, I know. I suck. So, I don't support cheating whatsoever. Like, if it happened to me I'd be devastated. I don't know what I was thinking, and I knew I'd get caught but I didn't care. I was really unhappy with Oliver and I feel bad. But I don't know, I feel like I don't feel that bad. You know? I know, I'm a horrible person, but I dont know. I feel like it's not bothering me now, but days from now I'm probably going to crash and burn. 

January 4, 2015. 

Well. Today's been eventual. Oliver's been threatening to commit suicide and obviously I've been struggling all day. He has another girl though, so I can't complain too much. I mean, he doesn't really have her. They're just talking, but you know. I don't know. I don't know very much anymore. All I'm really worrying about is competition and school. I have history homework to do, but I'm procrastinating bcause, why not? That's me. I'm just blah today. I don't know what to write, or what to say. I'm not speechless, I'm just very quiet. 

January 3, 2015. 

There's like 4 minutes of the day left, and I'm just beginning this post. I feel like I'm daily vlogging or something, lol. I don't know. Today hasn't been a very good day. I'm just a bit all over the place because well, Oliver. You know how we broke up? The aftermath happened today. We fought. We screamed. We swore. We cuddled. It's been a roller coaster and it hasn't been going up my friend. I don't know what to write really. He went suicidal on me again, and I'm just freaking out over here. I don't know how to deal with situations like those. I don't know how to act, or how to be around people I can't comfort in real life around situations like that. I'm just, spazzing out. I don't know. I don't know anything. That's my feeling and response for today. I don't know.

I had dance today, and it made me happy. Our first competition is this Saturday. January 10, we will be at our first competition and I don't know if I should be excited or not. I mean, I am, but I'm stressing out about whether we're going to place or not. It's a bit freaky to think about not being the best. I don't know, like bruh. I can't. 

January 2, 2015.

When you end a relationship, you're supposed to feel something. Some pain, some hurt, some misery. What did I feel? Nothing. As cruel as that sounds, I felt nothing. Oliver and I broke up, well I broke up with him and he left. No fight. No nothing. Need some background information? Basically, yesterday was our three months, and he wasn't here. Today was our make up day, and he wasn't here. I haven't been happy for awhile, and I tried to be happy, but I couldn't do it. I can't pretend to be happy when my heart isn't in it. I've wanted to leave for awhile, but couldn't. He would always guilt trip me into coming back and I couldn't stick around any longer. I needed a gateway out, and I got it. Don't get me wrong, I adore him, and I'm always going to care for him, but he just wasn't for me anymore. 

I'm okay though, I'm not bitter. I'm content, and I'm going to miss him like crazy, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't remember the last time I was single, and I think this may be good for me. I'm not complaining about being alone, so yanno, i'm going to try and be content this time around. I believe, every year, I've started off with a boyfriend and I just don't want to. I want to focus on myself for a bit. I hope that's not too much to ask for, I think it'd be good. 2014 helped me grow, but it wasn't on my own. I want to go back to be independent, because I've always had someone I could depend on, but I'm just gonna be against that this time around. I have great friends, and a great family, that's all I really need to survive. 

January 1, 2015. 

Well hello there! Happy New Year my loves. I can't say my day has been totally amazing, but I'm not complaining too much! I'm just trying to get back into the habit of writing. I haven't really wanted too over break. I can't even bring myself to really roleplay, but I'm trying to get into the full swing of things. I need to do that anyways since I have school, and then practice, and craziness surrounds my life. Gah, I don't even know where to start this year. I guess I'll tell you about my day, yeah?

Like I said, it hasn't been too interesting, but it's been decent enough to write about. Like always, my days are always bitter sweet. Today was my anniversary with Oliver, three months, and guess what happened. Nothing. Literally nothing. We were supposed to spend time together today, and guess what? We didn't. It's the third month, the third anniversary, and we still haven't spent any time together. He fell asleep to stay up with me, but we didn't talk very much and he fell asleep anyways, sigh. He's kind of been the reason why my day has been a bit down. Sucks that I'm starting my day off like this, but shit happens I guess.