#dearexlover

It’s been 3 Christmas, 3 New Years , and 3 Birthday I’ve celebrated without you.

I’ve experienced what it’s like to be treated like a princess and like shit.

I’ve lost family members

I’ve laughed

I’ve cried.

I’ve hurt

I’ve thought of you and hoped you were ok. Wow it really been so long!

I’ve learn more about myself than I thought would be possible.

I’ve gotten to a place I’d never thought I be.

My confidence is glowing!

We were together when Covid started. I thought the world was ending and walking away from you would be dumb because how would I find love.

But I just wanted you to know that I did want you to be my first and last.

But losing you allowed me to find myself!

My beauty

My worth

I never knew I was enough

Did you know that there are so man Man out here who were waiting for my attention

No like seriously like I’ve had to block multiple man just to get them to leave me alone

That’s a lil crazy

A bit much

But damn didn’t know I’d ever have to do that!

I’ve had man drop to their knees to put on my shoes

Man stop what they’re doing to bring me food

Pretty much I just wanted to say

I no longer think I was the reason

You didn’t love me how I needed you to because you chose not to

You said words to hurt me

You said you’ll never get me pregnant now I have man begging me to have their babies

Life is crazy and I’m enjoying every minute of it even the bad times.

As soon as you left you worked and got a car when you refused to here!

I was struggling and you sat by and watched the whole time you were here

I’m so glad God opened my eyes.

I’m not perfect I’m still learning

I still chose shitty man

But I’ve gotten what I needed from each of them

This letter

It’s not to break you

But to remind myself why I walked away and how much I gained

Tired of endlessly thinking about you, sapped of ignoring your thoughts and wearied with stalking you online here we are talking again.

If it wasn’t my well wisher who’d tell me to text you back i don't think this would have happened ever,i’m fortunate to be sharing the universe with you. Your first words were all i really wanted to hear, your attention was all i wanted to gain and the first glimpse of your face had me on dead.

i did not expect you to be missing me but you’re confession brought back all that was tattered. Flowers are fragrant again and the covered with fresh drops of dewy and you.

Nothing in the world could've made me feel so absolute and fulfilled but you. Its not the love you give me but the love i wish to give you, that vouches my mortality and  brimming ardour to you, my perpetual tussles with reality.

Anything and everything you do cannot be of any less importance to me, you’re my friend and not only the interest of my heart but my soul,. the image of myself i cannot dare to live is the one i see in you and wanting you is my road to achieve myself.

my chosen reality, you’re my butterflies of my stomach and you’re my caterpillars of love waiting to ripe.

My, you were such a catch. And by that, I mean, you were the biggest asshole I ever have ever been intimate with. You were friends with a girlfriend of mine. You went to school in California and you were in a stupid frat full of horrible influences where guys treat women as objects and not actual humans (maybe I’m exaggerating but this applies directly to you). Sigma Alpha Epsilon bullshit. I think I read once not too long ago that there was funny business going on with that one. Surprise surprise.

We met up for coffee at this really dingy diner that served coffee that had been sitting in the pot for hours. You darted me eyes of desire and being a curious and free spirited girl, I accepted it. After all, I didn’t know that smooth talking eventually led to treating me as a piece of meat. My friend encouraged me to pursue this with you. When you're eighteen, you think that sexual liberation means sleeping with people for the sport of it. Looking back (and I learned real fast with you), that was a tragic misconception. I went for it not realizing that while you think you’re in control of your sexuality when you lead a promiscuous sex life, you can’t control how people treat you. I wanted to free myself of any emotional strings though and have a little fun. Thats what you were to me. You were my escape from relationshiphood. It was perfect. We could have fun with each other but not worry about the heavy feelings that result from intimacy. We both weren’t looking for anything serious but there was a huge difference between how I viewed it and how you did (I’ll get into that later). It didn’t matter anyway because you were only in town with your dad for winter break.

We spent a lot of time in your room, which was basically a pool house without a pool. It was a quirky little lofted house room next to the main house. I can’t say that it wasn’t fun. You were certainly a matched partner, though I had only slept with one other person before you. I was experienced enough to know what I was doing. Also, I have come to believe, many partners later, that some people just naturally fall into the motions that come with a sexual experience. We were hot and heavy for a lot of your time in town. And I was pretty able to keep my emotions in check. We didn’t have a whole lot in common aside from our nocturnal proclivities so there was no connection on that deeper level that gives you that sense of being home. I didn’t need that though because I was already established in the comfort of my childhood home on the verge of adulthood. My appetite craved new experiences and sensations that I could put behind my belt. Matters of the heart were so far from what I wanted because I had already gone through minor heartbreaks and those wounds were not completely healed.

When the time came for you to continue on back to college, you went out drinking with your buddies. You didn’t know that I had a really good friend in that group though. And he told me every single fucking rude and crass thing you said about me in the sanctity of your friend circle, your locker room antics. You talked about how I loved to give you blowjobs and how I was this easy lay and everything disrespectful about that part of me that I should have thought longer and harder about before sharing with you. It’s okay to talk about your sexual encounters. I get it, I talk about mine. But its never in a way that is degrading about the partner you take. You made one sided and immature and disrespectful comments and once those proclamations reached my ears, I felt disgusting. I felt like I had made a huge mistake. I guess it doesn't really matter that you did, but the fact that you splayed me out there like a martyred whore in front of my friend and I found out that you did was horrifying. Its best it happened that way because I learned you were someone I would no longer share my time with. Thank god I kept my feelings in check because coming back from that height would have been so incredibly painful. The only feelings I had for you were ones of mild attraction for so that’s one heart ache I was so graciously spared.

I wish for every inexperienced adolescent that they don’t have to meet someone like you. I hope that no one ever has to feel their worth in someone else’s hands and see how small people can make you. Don’t worry, you didn't hurt me though. You showed me that I am better than you. You showed me that I am a good person with a kind and open heart. I learned something about guys like you though. You don’t have respect for women and you don’t have respect for yourself. And though I still find you vile, I hope you figured it out and grew the fuck up. Because no one deserves that kind of treatment.

Love,

We met before I lost my virginity. I was seventeen. You were nineteen. I found you on match.com on a bored summer day. And my, were you a dish to me. We chatted for a bit  and God knows what we talked about. Teenager things, I suppose. Idyllic prattle that as an adult, I might roll my eyes at. But seventeen year old me ate it up because I was starting to go out into the world on my own and wanted as many experiences as I could possible attain. I had a thirst for human interactions. And the kids I went to high school with were not where I would find it. It was a hostile environment that I fled from as much as I could. So when I found you, I immediately clung to you. You were a breath of fresh air, the high school crush I so desperately longed for. When we hung out, we drank, smoked pot, went out with your friends, holed ourselves up in your room, made out, talked. It was glorious. Because I absolutely loathed being at school, finding you was this safe haven where I felt like I could find my independence away from it all; meeting new people, going to different places, and to be honest, finding that comfort in someone I could share a connection with. You gave me those first love feels, though you were far from being my first love looking back. You were so sweet with me, so patient with me. I never felt pressured to do anything with you if I didn’t feel comfortable. And I didn’t, I wasn’t ready to take that leap. But you made me feel safe anyway. I would sleep over at your place and we would listen to our emo music as you kissed me to sleep. It still is one of my favorite memories and I can almost remember the smell of being in your room with your arms wrapped around me in the corner on your bed. You were my home away from home. I felt like it would never end. But it ended. And it was a shitshow. One evening while I was at home, I got a call from a friend of yours. She told me that you had been arrested. That was all anyone knew. I was in shock. I had no idea how to make sense of it. You contacted me some time after and told me that you were going to court. You said you were riding in the car with your friend. You guys were pulled over by a state trooper. Your friend had cocaine in his car, he also had a lot of cash and he also had a gun. You told me you were under house arrest. You said you were probably going to jail. I felt all sorts of emotions. Of course I did, I was fucking seventeen going through all of those hormones. But theres nothing I could have done but accept it. And I did but not easily. After you were supposed to be in jail, I would frequently drive by your house to see if your pretty black Camaro was there. And it always was. So move on I did. It was so hard though because through the mysteriousness of budding social media, I later found that on myspace, you were in pictures with another girl plastered in your arms where I used to be. When you were supposed to be in jail. I didn't understand. Why would someone lie about going to jail to someone they cared about? Was it so hard for you to just tell me you didn't want to see me anymore? I didn't know what any of it meant. It was a difficult pill to swallow.

It didn't matter anymore because I moved onto other people but through some strange series of events, our lives were thrown back together again. While I was a senior in college, I took a film class with a guy who happened to have been in a band with you. We were friends in class and one day he invited me to come watch you guys play. I decided to go. I walk into this house where the show was supposed to be with my best friend and her boyfriend at the time. We walked into the basement where the band was playing and I see you across the room with a bass in your hand and like in a movie, our eyes locked. I panicked, what was this coincidence? I couldn’t be here. But we stayed and watched for a bit. My mind was racing and soon after we found ourselves walking out but not before one of your best friends spotted me and ran up with a surprised hello. I felt like I walked into some strange reality. I was forced to walk away from you and four years later, I walked right back into your life. So many angry thoughts, vindictive notions. You lied to me in the biggest way. What could I do? My blood bubbled and something came over me. I had to get my revenge.

The following class after the show, your friend told me that you had seen me at the show. He said you felt really bad about what happened and that I must hate you. He said you used to do a lot of cocaine when we knew each other. There was never an explanation for that huge lie. And I didn't want one. I only wanted to make you feel the way you made me feel back then. So we started talking again. And I held a goal that I would somehow get you to fall in love with me and when we got there, I would move to another city and leave you. We kind of fell back into whatever it was that we had. It was nice. It felt like time had taken those moments we shared back then and transposed it to the present. And then I started to feel bad that I harbored such negative intentions with you. So we quietly enjoyed our limited time together before I uprooted my life to move across the country.

I suppose I was a little in my head regarding you. Back then, at least. As a young human, the pangs of heart ache were the biggest obstacle I had come across. It all seemed so huge, like nothing could top it. I could not get over you (a running theme in my life) But I did. And it was one of the more difficult things I had to do as an adolescent. And I don’t regret any of it. We had some pretty amazing moments together and thats all I need. You added a little color to my life.

I’m sorry that when we reconnected, I had very bad intentions for you. Though they never came to fruition and I tucked them under my belt, I am still ashamed I had those thoughts. They were immature and mean spirited. I hate to think that I contemplated on lashing out to make myself feel better. If I had a few more years, I would have learned that lashing out to the person who hurt you is not going to make you feel better. In fact, it will only make you feel worse. Thats when they say that when people are ugly to others, they are hurting in their own life. And you know what? I want to be happy. I want to bear these scars with some form of honor where I don’t become someone with anger in my heart. Thats what you brought me. The ability to bounce back. I can only hope that you found whatever it was you were looking for.

When we met, I was just barely eighteen and started working my first job at the movie theaters where you were already employed. I was quiet and shy and nervous to be starting my first job ever. But whenever we worked together, you made it so easy. You were welcoming and nice and hilarious and the staff joker. All of the voices you did, the movie references and quotes, the entertaining nature you possessed with such grace and ease immediately drew me into you. The more and more we worked together, the tighter our friendship became. You made me laugh, you made me feel confident in myself and most of all, you looked at me with the same desire that I had been looking on you with. You flirted with all the girls though so I didn’t really think anything of it. But our interactions couldn't be ignored. It always seemed like we were drawn to each other. But there was one really big problem with my affections for you. You had a long term girlfriend. Who, now, you are married to but thats besides the point. You were unavailable to me. And I have this inclination, as does a great deal of the rest of the world I’m sure, to desiring what is out of my reach. So naturally, I wanted you even more. The danger of resulting consequences somehow made it so much more alluring.

Remember how on Thursday nights at the theater, the staff would congregate after close to watch a midnight showing of whatever blockbuster was being released on the following Friday? And how people would bring booze and it was a very hush hush gathering for everyone to unwind and bond and also watch a fun flick. When War of the Worlds came out, you invited me to come watch the movie with you. But people were all around and we couldn't be completely out in the open. So you snuck out and went up to the projection room. You whispered to me before you left to come join you after a handful of minutes passed so no one would notice. I nervously anticipated what awaited me when I left the safety of my seat to the unknown upstairs. My stomach curled with excitement. I wanted you and so I got up out of my seat and excused myself twenty minutes into the movie. I climbed the stairs to where you were expecting me. As I entered the doorway, I saw you silhouetted against the light from the projector and the dim glow from the ceilings. As I slowly inched toward you, you quickly embraced me and in those following moments, you took my virginity. Well, I gave it willingly to you, to someone whose heart was already promised to someone else, yet I looked past that and to my own desires. I was a young, inexperienced girl who hadn’t known the trials of heart exploration. I just knew I wanted something and instinctually went for it. Do I regret it? A little. I don’t like to know that I gave up my virginity to someone who was only partly in it. I don't like knowing that I was someones dirty little secret. But you live and learn. I know that is something I would never do again, to pursue an unavailable lover. And I have had opportunities. But it goes against everything in me that is good to play that other woman role. And I learned that early on. Learn from your mistakes.

We continued seeing each other and I made a very obvious mistake. I started falling for you. I knew deep down that you would never leave your girlfriend, and you never did. But that didn’t stop my heart from learning all about you and hopelessly surrendering myself to you. I love to be in love. Its a state of being that I have become oh so addicted to. You started to catch feelings for me too, as we went down this path. But then it ended as quickly as it began. We knew that it would never work between us. You weren't willing to give up your life as you knew it for me and I wasn't willing to ask you to do that. As painful as it was. And it was. I wrote a song about you. I performed at open mic nights, this song where I proclaimed my heart ache for you to dozens of strangers and somehow it helped. Then I went about business as usual though. I was a freshman in college at the time so there was a lot to keep my mind occupied from the soreness my heart felt after we dissipated. It was a clean break. And when you're younger, the world seems so big and full of possibilities. So that feeling numbed the pain I felt from the ephemeral relationship we had.

Looking back, that pain that I felt then doesn’t even compare to the ones I have felt since then. But at the time, it was all that I knew which made it so pressing. Now, eleven years later, I can look back on our relationship and feel completely grateful it happened and the break in my heart has healed to a very minimal scar.

We are still good friends though we are miles apart in physical distance and where we are in our respective lives. Sometimes it almost feels like it never happened. But it did, and those memories have helped me shape my thoughts regarding interpersonal relationships. And for that, I thank you. Though at the time I didn’t understand it and thought of you as this pig who wanted to eat his cake like a savage. You see, you had many other girls on the side and I was just the tip of the iceberg. It made me feel like my worth was beneath the ground. It set the tone for my future dating encounters. I, from then on, thought that I was always reaching for affection when really I should have seen myself as this strong willed, independent woman who need not prove that to others but allow them to see it for themselves. The desire for love and blindly chasing it where ever it appeared often times overpowered that idea. I have had weak moments, many in fact, but for the most part, I learn. I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again but the one thing that changes each time is my voice in my head. It becomes stronger and more assertive and self aware. One of my greatest vices, which I mentioned earlier, is that I love to be in love. The drive to find that love renders me irrational sometimes. Oh, I know I am being irrational most of the time but choose to chase this ever elusive feeling. And it started in the very beginning of my adulthood.

I by no means harbor any negativity toward you. We were young. We followed our inclinations as humans do. And it resulted in a clandestine relationship that I will look fondly on. But now with some years separating me from it, I have gained quite a bit of perspective. And I only hope that moving forward, I will be able to exude the amount of enlightened thoughts when I go out into the world. But you were my first step in this everlasting journey. And I overcame you.

Thank you for making my first time a relatively positive one. 

When you experience life as a single adult living in the city,  surrounded by people through work, social outings and general exploration of the world you collect a large group of people. It just happens naturally. And when you are trying to figure out what directions you want to go in, you sort through all the people you meet and decide who you want to keep for yourself and who you want to toss. It sounds crass but its the undeniable truth. As you age, you figure out that there are in fact those who you don’t want to surround yourself with. This shouldn't be a negative idea. Its a practical and healthy approach to life. Or so I’ve been convinced to believe from conversations I’ve had with many close friends through the years. Sometimes the people we encounter stay in our lives for long stretches of time. And other times, there are people who we can’t see our life without who only make appearances for fewer moments than we’d like. And there are plenty of in between relationships. But the ones that make lasting impacts on our identity and how we shape ourselves are the most intense, most passionate and often times most volatile. Of course it is, because those kinds relationships are so rich and full of precious moments where we project ourselves without having to worry about judgement. Our relationships are there for us to know who we are in our solitude and in social settings. I am a twenty something woman, fresh out of business school of owning a coffeeshop, in and out of relationships, thirsting to produce art in some shape or form, trying to “find myself” (ridiculous as it sounds), and ultimately lead a positive and happy life. I have found the most joy when I am connected with people who I admire, respect and love. And even more joy when I am sharing an experience, living in the present, with these people. I have made friends everywhere I go, and I’ve been places around the world. But the only thing that makes the experience are the people I meet. I always thought of myself as a reserved and shy person who had trouble meeting people but it isn't that at all. This is my approach. This is my filtering system to decide who I would be compatible with most. I am careful with who I surround myself with. At least I am more so now than when I was a young girl. I have always had a yearning for intimacy and romantic love. So quite a bit of my relationships are with suitors who I wanted to share those special moments with. But after years of this process, It seems to be a little less special because I am having more and more of them. I suppose you could say each relationship is unique but when you have a handful of unique relationships, how unique is it really? I digress.