“Memories in Snowflakes”
(OOC: Hello everyone! It’s been such a long time since I have been on this page. I know I have been posting art of Luze Crosszeria all the time, but I should post more of his aesthetics or some other things. I have been playing FFXIV and drawing at the same time. But I never forgot this page! I always come back to this whenever I can. Will I come back to keep writing more stories? We’ll see! But I do have a couple in mind ... But for now, this is for the holidays! Based off of a certain moment with little Elsa and little Anna in the ballroom full of Elsa’s Frost spell. Stay safe everyone and stay warm! And wishing you all a Merry Christmas. WARNING: Suicidal thoughts/Self Harm) Feat. Reiga Giou (Fowler)
🎵 - (Music to read through this)
The lands of Infernus have always been difficult and full of strife since the birth of sins and evil within. War, cries, screams, torture, agonizing painful voices or even whispers would resonate and bring madness to anyone brave or foolish enough to venture through. War was ongoing, restless, tiring. Soldiers beaten and tried until their last breath snuffed out. That was the way of living within the populace of that cursed world.
Luze Crosszeria, a soldier still residing in Infernus, lives through these horrors ever since he came into being. He once was a hopeful Duras always having his eyes on a freedom he had wanted for his forsaken family of the Crosszerias. A family who still lives in centuries of a sin that should not have been brought upon them.
Now, many downfall events lay out on top of him as if weights and more weights of current events become a great burden on his shoulders. The light of hope from his eyes faded ever since he received news that his brother betrayed his clan. Other Duras would belittle Luze. Others would wish for the Crosszerias to cease to exist. Intrusive thoughts began to rise while his gaze would fall upon the ground.
And voices he wishes not to hear one night and the next.
We begin within Luze’s quarters as he tries to sleep and wishes to escape without waking up to what tomorrow would bring.
However, sleep was never going to be his option when small disturbances arise within his mind.
But perhaps, someone may help ease his mind for just a moment. And maybe even forever more.
I hear them again. Faint whispers from a distance as the world around me is blackened as I tried to drift into slumber. My eye lids tightened as voices echoed in my head. Resounding ever so like soft ruptures.
You should have died like the rest of the dogs in war. Yet you lived ... Worthless. Just like the rest of your family. Disgraceful. Get out of my sight, you outcast!
I felt my head turn slowly left. Then right, trying to shake the noises away. But it was to no avail. It persisted like a parasite invading and destroying me from the inside. My head started to pound.
The sounds resonated all around me as small whispers began to accumulate. At first, it was soft ripples. Then, another voice joined in the cacophonous chorus, rapturing and uncanny. Another. Then another, blending more into distorted hushed voices. My breathing became unsteady as my chest heaved as if I was being stifled.
As the whispers persists, a voice suddenly rang out. A voice that could send shivers down your spine from even the coldest reaches of the Nine Hells. You belong to me. And me only. You will never escape. Not like your brother. His responsibilities have now become yours to bear. For all. Eternity.
My eyes snapped open. My body was strained and still as I laid on my right side like being paralyzed and my breath suddenly halted. I stared lifeless and unmoving as my eyes blanked out. I felt like I didn’t want to move from my place as if one movement will trigger something within my quarters. My eyes continued to gaze at nothing as I moved them slightly looking at the void and gathering what was surrounding me again.
Finally, after a moment of horror and shock, my hand twitched in place and I was able to gather myself and my composure and lay on my back. I dragged my hand from my side towards my chest and placed the palm of my hand on it to calm my fast-beating heart. Life began to return to me and I closed my eyes slowly to steady myself.
I began to take a few breaths and turned to look the other way, eyes open towards the window that gleamed blood red from the skies in Infernus. The skies reminding me that I was still bound to this god forsaken land.
I looked towards the ceiling and took a deep breath to let out an almost prolonged sigh. I never once had a peaceful sleep within these inescapable realms. Be that as it may, I am still able to come and go as I please. But with so many restrictions that now lay upon me, it would be nearly impossible to allow myself to have that sort of freedom. Not when the voices echoed every single painful day.
But also, not without the permission of my current master. Fowler, or Reiga if you would, is a powerful Necromancer that commanded every Duras he summons forth and one of them just so happens to be me included. It was different and nothing anything similar to my previous Lord. But rather, someone different with a heart that seemed to be ... Difficult to understand. But no matter where his heart may lead him, he looked as if he is hiding something far greater than I could imagine. Just like me. I couldn’t help but feel a sudden relation when I first saw him. Perhaps ...
I steadily pushed myself up with my elbows and sat straight up as I lowered my gaze. “... I suppose it would help if I sought Fowler out.” I told myself quietly. ”He may be of some help.” I moved towards the edge of the bed and sat there while I fixed my shirt, relaxing for just a moment and recovering from my headache as I closed my eyes to meditate.
Few minutes have come to pass and I slowly opened my eyes. I proceeded to stand up and walked towards the door, grabbing my cloak at the same time to drape it around me and head out of my quarters.
---
*knock knock*
The sound of knocking on a wood door was the only thing I heard for more than a few seconds. “You may come in.” said a voice. I looked towards the door and reached for the doorknob and turned it gently. The door opened and made a soft creek as I let myself in and closed it behind me.
Few shelves filled with books aligned the walls almost uneven to how they were spaced. Each shelves have small trinkets placed on them to crystals, from tiny skulls, to vials of imports or fines; all that can be useful for spells. His office was spacious enough to have a couple of steps that follow up to his desk. On the “lower” part of the section, guests are allowed to sit on lavish gothic style couches and sofas. A table with a chessboard and a couple of wooden chairs were seen near the fireplace towards the right side of the room. In the center, a wooden carved designed table was placed. The light gleamed through the icy blue windows making the room glow a dim lavender hue. It created small beams of light that aimed at his desk full of semi-scattered documents and books that he was studying. Everything felt desolate despite the furnishings yet the room provided a comfortable setting amidst the quiet atmosphere with dusty tomes.
The mere silence filled in the gaps between us as I saw Fowler gazed out from the main window of his office behind his desk. He seemed to be longing for something as I saw his reflection: somber, yet yearning to reach for whatever he sets his eyes on from the crimson skies above through the icy glass panels.
I grew concern not knowing that my own worries disappeared suddenly. “Fowler, is something amiss?” I said breaking the silence. I saw his head shake slowly. He tried to smile slightly to reassure me from his reflection. “I would lie to you and say that I am quite alright.” he said almost barely to a whisper. “But in reality, I suppose I am not.” My eyes glazed with worry as I let him speak. He began to turn around towards me.
“Luze. I know that you are inquiring something from me because you came in here looking for answers. Am I correct?” he said as he turned around and faced me. I nodded. A small pang of regret loomed in. “... Yes. Though this may be the wrong time to state my purpose. Forgive me if I disturbed you from your moments of silence. If I came in an inapplicable time, let me know and I will be on my way.”
”No, think nothing of it.” He said as he shook his head slowly. “I let you enter in the first place. Otherwise, I would have said something in the latter ... I should be the one to say to forgive me for a moment if you will. Since you have something to say, I want to know something from you first.” Fowler looked down for a moment then back towards me. “May I ask you a question?” I hesitated for a moment then nodded. “Of course, you may.” I responded.
Fowler nodded back. However, it was silence once again as he gazed downward. He took a couple of steps towards his desk and placed his fingertips on the surface of it. “I’ve been thinking for a while now. Ever since I have taken it upon myself to raise into this position, I always wanted to go back to the way I was. But this book I found, the Book of Raziel, was ... Supposedly waiting for me when I found it within the libraries where I used to live. I should never have went there in the first place and discovered it. This ... Accursed necromancy tome that should have been sealed elsewhere yet, for unknown reasons, it was placed for those with avarice. What if it fell into the wrong hands? What if it never returned to me?” He scoffed and recollected himself from the abundance of questions. “Or perhaps returned to Reiga in this case. But ... What I was going to ask pertains to something that has been bothering me for quite some time. It has something to do with not knowing who I am when these questions started to accumulate. Just what am I, Luze?” He said quietly. I slightly tilt my head from that question. “I beg your pardon, Fowler?” “What am I to you, Luze?” He said softly as he looked up at me, eyes glazed as he went back to that somber visage I saw from his reflection. I thought for a moment as my eyes look to my side then back at him. “That-- ...” I hesitated once more. “Are you referring to what I had said to you before? That time I had said that a part of your human self still remains within you?”
He nodded slowly. He looked guilty as if he didn’t want to answer. “... Yes.” Fowler turned around and stared at the window. “I do not mean to point it out as if it was ill intent. But perhaps you were right. There is still a part of a human still lingering inside of me. The more I pondered about it, the more I am aware that ... Perhaps I may not be the greatest leader nor Reiga from before. I am constantly battling an inner fight that’s tearing me apart from unwanted thoughts and unwanted answers. I ... I don’t even know what I am anymore.”
I kept my eyes on him, solemnly. “I should be the one to apologize. If it brings you great offense, know that it wasn’t my intention either. I just want to make sure that you are on the right path and not something that you are forced to do. Just because you inherited the soul of your predecessor doesn’t really mean you have to absolutely pertain to its role. I want you to understand that at least. Though I have to wonder if obtaining that tome changed you completely. Or perhaps it unlocked some important memories, making you realize that you have to finish what he had started with your sub conscious. The ‘you’ as in Kanata, a Hume who was forced to do this against your volition ... I am afraid I can’t answer that question. I want to know, I really do. But be that as it may, I will never know how to deal with two souls from one husk. Perhaps it’s all in our imaginations. Perhaps ... One thing is true than the other. To speak plainly, I do not know.”
Fowler scoffed softly and closed his eyes for a moment and turned the other way back towards the window. It wasn’t because I couldn’t find the answer, but it was more of a relief that he was able to release what he was holding onto. “It’s alright. I understand from your notion. You are on the right path to where there are not many answers that can be unraveled by this broad question of mine. I must be overthinking and must know that it is my own purpose to answer it. The answer may reveal itself in the inevitable future. And I must be ready to what’s to come.” He turned around once more to look at me. A slight smile appeared for a moment then disappeared. “Your words never cease to have false meanings within them. They ring true no matter if you may not find answers. Perhaps one day, I may be able to turn back into what I have become and forget all of this ... But as you may have known already, it seems too late for me to go back, that much is true from what you said. I may have to finish what I have started ... It’s just that lingering feeling that someone inside of me is struggling. As if there is another soul trying to escape from this husk of mine to reveal whatever my true form may be.”
“Fowler.” I said. He shook his head for a moment to push his thoughts aside for now. “Well ... I believe you had heard enough of rambling coming from me. Now, to the more important matter. You did not enter here to help me with my predicament. But rather, a more pressing matter towards what you are dealing with. Am I correct?”
A part of me wishes he didn’t have to bring it up but when I came back to my senses from giving my answer to him, my conflicted thoughts came back to me as my eyes glazed over towards the ground. I nodded, not even making eye contact. “... Yes” I answered reluctantly. I folded my arms underneath my cloak and pondered. “One thing I must understand myself is that I am able to leave Infernus whenever I please. But ... Even with that rush of relief, I am unable to escape this place in reality.”
Fowler’s eyes narrowed in concern. “I assume there are things from the past that are crawling towards you, just like my circumstances retrospectively?” ... I nodded, still eyes on the ground. My right hand clenched my Crosszeria crest on my upper left arm. “It’s been torturous. I can’t ever find peace no matter if I have some free will of my own ... The ridicule, the hate, the abandonment. All of it. They have been following me everywhere I go, far or near. There are times ... There are times where I would hear the voice of My Lord.” My hand tightened around my arm. “Even though he was sealed off from a long time ago, his presence still lingers within. His blood still and forever will course through me. Amidst the voices that I keep hearing, His would always echo from afar. Clear as day would be in Infernus’ crimson blood skies.”
Fowler kept his gaze on me as his fingers tensed. A pang of regret filled within him: Reiga’s true purpose was to summon Lucifer and end all of humanity. And Fowler would see that into fruition. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes that this action would enact into a greater consequence. Would he not care about the ones he truly loved as Kanata himself and let them be burn down with the rest of the worthless Humes he deemed unworthy?
I continued. “Sometimes I would often think ... What would happen to me? I feel like something ... Someone is eating me away from the inside waiting to corrupt and possess me to do rash things than I have ever done in the battlefield. Fowler, I know how you must feel with your other self splitting you in two. But this case seems different in a way that this is an entirely different entity. If He were to take over and possess me, what if my Lord-- ... What if I-- ...” I shook my head, shutting my eyes tight. “I don’t ... Want to hurt anyone again.”
A moment passed and I felt my hand released and dropped slowly from my arm. Fowler began to walk towards me. “Forgive me if I seemed off from myself.” I opened my eyes and gazed downward. “I can’t run away from all of this, I know. But this is what has been going on throughout from those moments after my brother had left our family. There’s just no way I can move away from all of this ...”
Fowler was now standing in front of me. As soon as I saw his feet from where he stood, I began to look up slowly. I met his gaze as he met mine and we both looked melancholic at each other as we both realized our ordeals. He suddenly placed his hands on my arm with the Crosszeria crest and a cold sensation emanated from his palm. A cold touch from his frost magic glowed light blue. At first, it stung like the chilled winds of Cocytus which made me flinch and look towards my arm. Then it suddenly radiated from frostbitten to a cooling sensation. It made me wince slightly as I hadn't known that I barely pricked my way into my flesh. The burning ceased and his magic disappeared as the icy glow dimmed and fade away from his palm. I lifted my cape to see that my upper sleeve was barely dabbed with my blood.
Fowler released his hand gently and I looked up at him again. "I-- ..." My eyes quivered from displaying myself as a fool. But Fowler shook his head slowly.
"It's quite alright. However, you must be absolutely careful. Any clouded memories such as those will make you lose yourself." He said. “... Yes.” I said quietly as I looked down. “I will.” “Do not look so down now.” Fowler said calmly. “Chin up.” I slowly looked towards him, stern yet at ease. My eyes slightly widened as he managed to smile gently. But within that smile, one could see that his eyes were expressing lies behind his facade. "... I think we should go someplace else than here. I do have a location in mind. Somewhere where I have enough room. If you would like to follow me." I rose my eyebrow in confusion and wondered what is with this sudden decision. Nonetheless, I agreed and nodded. Fowler nodded back as well and lead the way as I opened the door to let him go first.
As soon as he made his way out, I followed after and closed the door behind me. The office stood in silence once more as the small beams of light radiated through the windows and flecks of dust float about. The room was now empty and acted like a husk completely drained out from two unfortunate souls still trapped within their own and escaping through a gateway.
---
🎵 - (Music to read through this)
The grand doors opened and made a slow, low echoing creak. Fowler entered first and continued to walk inside the room. I followed after and looked through my surroundings to find out where we were.
I looked upward and noticed that we suddenly walked inside the main throne room. The room was very spacious and the ceiling reached as high as the darkened cathedrals located in these lands. There were railings and balconies for anyone to loom over and see where the judgements took place from high above. In the center and the opposite side from the grand doors, a lonely cold throne was there. This room glimmered a dark emerald tone as the lights shown from the red skies and from the candles that surround the pillars of the great hall.
“The throne room?” I said as my voice echoed within the gigantic room. I continued to follow Fowler as he continues to keep walking. Our steps seem to grow louder as the clicks from our boots resonated subtly on the marbled floor. Fowler remained silent throughout our stroll. I kept my eyes on him as we continued to make our way and I placed my hands in my pockets. I glanced to the side for a moment and heard his footsteps come into a halt. The halls grew quiet yet eerie.
I looked back to see what had happened only to notice him standing there still. It took me awhile to figure out that we suddenly made it into the center of the room. Fowler turned around to look at me and I looked back at him. I tilted my head. “So this is the place you thought of. But why here?”
Fowler closed his eyes and looked down for a moment to take in the silence. He then looked up, eyes opened. “Luze,” He began. “There’s something I want to show you.” I hesitated. “... Very well.” He nodded as he closed his eyes once more but this time, raising a hand outward in front of him. His palm was facing up and a whisper escaped his lips. A sudden cool breeze blew where we stood and gently spiraled around us and upwards towards the ceiling. Light blue streaks formed and caved in creating swirls of light that followed and form something on top of his palm. Small white particles suddenly form and joined in making the light from his hand glow brighter and brighter. A glowing white blue sphere began to form. Fowler continued his incantation as he narrowly opened his eyes.
The light from his hand began to take shape of a snowy white orb and his whispers disappeared along with the light blue streaks that now ceased. With a gentle lift from his hand, the sphere shot up subtly, almost barely towards the same height of the balconies, and the sphere broke into pieces.
Yet, it wasn’t just small fragments of glass from a broken shard. The sphere disappeared into multiple different particle color hues of light blue, dark blue, purple, and white falling from the skies. They seem to fall just like the cold bittering snowflakes that were located in the coldest of mountain landscapes on Infernus. However, these flakes were not bitter nor harsh as the blizzards eating those who venture through them. But rather, it was calm just like the leaves that fell from trees. Albeit, they were miniscule to a default, falling slowly and gently lighting the room into an icy blue and purple hue.
I gazed upward with eyes slightly wide. I turned around slowly to take in my surroundings. My body moved on its own as I took a hand from my pocket and faced the palm of my hand upward to see if any particles land on it. Some manage to sneak in and took a rest on my hand and disappeared one by one. “Is this ... Snow?” I began to say.
Fowler nodded. “Yes. Or perhaps similar to it. I wonder, is this your first time seeing snow fall like this?” I gazed towards him and nodded, bewildered. “Yes. Though this feels different somehow. It’s not as freezing as snows I am used to when I was put in the battlefield. What is this?” I heard a gentle giggle escape from him. Something that seemed out of his character yet strangely fitting from the atmosphere. “It’s definitely snow. The very same thing you see in these lands, although it’s not so harsh than what you experienced.” I pondered for a moment as I looked down. All of the burdens that were with me for a moment lifted like thin air as the snowflakes gently continued to light the way downward. I looked up at him. “What’s all of this for suddenly?”
He hesitated. His smile faded into a solemn expression. “Forgive me if this may be out of place. But I just thought for a moment or so in the middle of our conversation that maybe something like this would be able to ease our troubles, even for just a moment.” He placed a hand on his heart and glazed downward in front of him. “I just thought ... Something like this would make you look at things in a different view. You and I have always been through so much now that I have realized it. I never considered how solitary we had both became until ... I found you.” My eyes widened slightly.
“And I want you to remember something, Luze.” He continued. “No matter how far we may be, no matter how lonesome we are, if we ever lose ourselves one day, I want you to remember the gentle snow that falls from this moment. Not everything will come at us like a blizzard blowing us away. But rather, moments that we want to cherish within each snowflake that falls on the ground and collects together forming into one. Our paths may be a difficult one from here on out. However ... I want you to also remember this. Just like how I miraculously found you by chance, I want you to look at these snowflakes falling one day and think of me. If ever there was a day that snow falls like this, know that I will never leave your side. Never will you feel lonely anymore. I will always be there.”
My eyes began to quiver from his words. “Fowler ...” I said. “I-- ...” I couldn’t find the words to describe anymore. Something inside of me felt light. The feeling of hope that dimmed away a long time ago began to spark once again. The voices that would come back in my head disappeared and seem to never come back. I couldn’t tell if this was a pure spell trickery from the snowflakes themselves to make our worries go away. Or was it something truly from his motive. Whatever it was, I was glad to hear him say those words aloud, even if I didn’t need it.
“I suppose ... I suppose I am glad that I found you as well, my lord.” I said quietly. I began to close my eyes and kneel down. The snow that surrounded me fluttered as my cape spread outward and fell back down. “You have helped me in ways I would never have comprehended. And I will continue to help you so long as you live. If you ever struggle to find your way as well, know that I will also be there. No matter how far I may be, the gentle winds will remind you and blow in a direction to stir you in the right path.”
Fowler’s eyes lit up slightly and the same gentle smile etched his face once again. He nodded slowly and made his way towards me. “Luze ... Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.” I heard his soft footsteps coming closer until he halted right in front of me. I glanced up to meet his face. His hand reached out towards me.
I reached out my own hand and grasped his. And the snow continued to fall, blanketing us in memories collected in one in the pure white surface.
