#dearandrew

i said goodbye to andrew for the final time.

its finally done. relieving, and sad.

i wont be able to reach out to him again,

and, more importantly, he cant reach me.

im so grateful that i am strong enough to ask for what i need

and walk away with kindness when i dont get it.

i also know what love feels like

and i wont wait for something that feels thin, weak.

so, so long,

it feels like hearing an old story

its so comforting and familiar,

and when I was a child I reached for it often,

but its not what i want to read anymore.

its still so good to hear from you.

its nice to know that after all this time,

Hearing from you after the week that I've had,

Felt like a blast of icy air.

It was so easy for me to push you to the side.

"I'm not ok with us not working out and I wasn't willing to deal with my emotions".

I was willing to deal with them, I was willing for months.

And you burnt me out.

I cried, asking you for more, asking you for proof, for change.

I don't think it's love

Since when I left

I don't want to love someone

just because they love me.

I want to love someone

who knows how to make fireworks

who revels in their colour and chaos

and sets them off

just for me

how do I say what I need

and what was wrong

without feeling like

What do you do

when you look at someone

roadtrips

small fights

a supporter

always in my corner

the highs and lows

he is speaking to me

and responding to me

like i'm just a friend.

i hate this

because it's exactly what i want,

but not at the same time.

i want to live in a world

where he is here

or i am there

and everything can be easy.

but