#dear lo

Remélem, hogy jól vagy.

Its been so long since i have felt so happy even tho I'm no where close to my goal. I cannot deny as the days, weeks, years go by. I do feel like I'm somewhat close. I'm glad the intrusive thoughts and nightmares are almost ceasing to disappear. I don't see or think of his face. It a blur. Its still somewhat scary how detailed I remember his hands and how intimidating his figure was over me. Non the less I think I have made progress. 8 years. It was so long ago, it makes me feel so dumb for not being able to be strong enough. Anyways at least stuff aren't so bad at this place. I'm waiting for a call back and hopefully I will get hired and get a chance at leaving soon enough. I'm super happy i failed at my attempt. Looking back at it, i was super childish. It's not like i haven't been blackmailed before. Stuff been worse. And now I have two important people in my life. i shouldn't of done that without even saying goodbye. Hopefully i will get better at handling things. There are at times I'm still too childish-abandonment issues and all. I finally learned i don't need to give so many chances and beg for anyone to stay. i'll just have to do my best to work on myself and improve.

I don't want to get married.....it scares me to give up that much control