#deanxreaderinsert

~~

Waking up in a hospital is always a scary revelation to anyone who can’t remember how they got there, but waking up to a doctor telling me I’ve been out for two days but was completely fine is a whole other level of terrifying. I was escorted to Dean’s room by a nurse I don’t even remember, he was barely awake and my chest that had been in a vise since waking clenched a little more while my stomach turned into molten lava. 

I sat beside him until he fell asleep then wandered into the hall and took a seat in the waiting room because I was having a hard time looking at Dean and knowing what was coming, feeling somewhere deep inside that I was losing him.

Sam dealt with all the noise, the questions from the cops, the nurses, and probably a doctor or two while I was out. I don’t know how long I sat there as everything continued to move around me. Sam stopped in front of me a few times but my sense of time was skewed. During his last stop, he squeezed my shoulder and told me he’d be right back after he talked to the doctor about test results that I already knew. I hadn’t overheard or intuited it, I just felt it.

Then Sam was back, kneeling in front of me with a smile that confirmed what I knew. “Are you sure you don’t want to go in and see him?”

I forced my gaze up to his eyes and through blurry vision, I saw the concern that was pounding against my head. “We both know what he’s going to do. I love him but I can’t handle that right now.” I let the weight pull my head down and pressed my chin against my aching sternum. “It’s too much.”

Sam’s hands framed my head and then his lips pressed against my forehead. I closed my eyes greedily siphoning every last bit of strength he pushed my way. “I’m not going to let him die.” Even if he didn’t say out loud, it wouldn’t matter because he was already shouting his intentions from the rooftops.

It was all too much though. Sam walked away and I drew a deep breath against the screaming of my own body. I leaned back against the wall closing my eyes and let the thrashing memories take me back.

I was in the living room of my fourth childhood home, my mother sat across from me at the square card table while Dean sat to my right and Sam to my left. A round of Texas hold ‘em spread out in the middle and Dean gave me a wink, a sign that he needed to make a trade.

I tried to pull out recognizing that moment and refusing to relive what came next but the vise around my chest didn’t ease.

I slipped my hand under the table expecting that warm tingling that always skittered up my arm when Dean and I touched. I never made it that far as a blinding pain exploded through every inch of my body and every thought of anything other than it disintegrated. My chest squeezed like it was imploding in on itself as something deep inside pulled taut. I fought for breath as a voice whispered around me but they were too far away.

When I opened my eyes, I was floating somewhere I’d never seen before; it was dark but light and I couldn’t make anything out. Then my dad’s voice was in my ears and all around me, “I love you. You and your mother. Be strong now. You were always so strong and I know you’ve still got so much growing to do. You have far exceeded my greatest dreams, my sweet honeybee. Never forget that.”

“Daddy…” My voice so strained I sounded like I was five years old again but then he hadn’t called me that full nickname in years.

“Shh… it’s going to be okay.”

Then some tight ball deep inside cracked and exploded outward. I gripped something rough and screamed, the pain lancing through my chest until thankfully, it was gone and so was I.

“Y/n?” I jerked up in my seat blinking rapidly with a dull ache in my chest and a throbbing in the back of my head. Sam was in front of me, his brows drawn in concern again. “We need some real sleep and I need to go through dad’s contacts. We’ll find something.”

I glanced down the hall where Dean’s room seemed so far. My chest clenched again and that thing deep inside pulled tight and throbbed, impossibly vibrating through my bones.

“He’s finally asleep. You need some too.” Sam helped me up then walked me to the car unknowingly causing that vibration to dull but somehow pulled something else tighter. I seriously needed sleep before my imagination turned something else into crazy time.

I slid inside the impala and Sam started her up then looked over at me, “don’t worry, we’re not going to lose him. I can’t… not this close to… you two are all I have left.” He turned around backing the car out of the parking spot and I turned away, pressing my face against the window trying to cool the hot flash of guilt licking at my insides.

He drove without another word and I drifted further in my mind too exhausted to fight it.

“Y/n? Please say something? It’s just us, no one else is here.”

The bed was warm but Dean felt so much better as he sat beside me. I turned toward him reaching out blindly for his hand. “He’s gone. I’ll never get to see him again.”

“Are…” fear, panic, and worry skittered along my senses like ice cream flavors no one wanted to try. “We haven’t been able to get a hold of…” Dean’s head dropped and he squeezed my hand as he leaned down. “That’s what you felt at the table, wasn’t it? You felt him die?” I nodded, unable to say it again. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it. I promised I would always protect you when he was gone, remember? I’ve never…” his voice hitched then he cleared his throat as his forehead met mine and he whispered, “I’ll never break that promise.”

His tears mingled with my own with the oddest sensation. I pulled him down until he stretched out beside me then I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest. “Don’t let go.”

“Never.”

The rap at the window shook me, the noise bounced around inside my skull while the vibration lanced through my spine. I pulled my head away from the warm glass and looked up at Sam. He smiled, it was weak but then we were both exhausted. He opened the door and helped me out by pulling my arm around him and encouraged me to lean into his side. I realized he also had both of our bags and a key in his hand. “I’m so sorry, Sammy.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“I should be helping.”

“You are. Just by being here.”

I squeezed him as he led me into the room. Once inside, he helped me to the bed then didn’t waste a single minute turning the second bed into his workspace. He was already dialing a number by the time my head hit the pillow. “Just a little nap and then I’ll make some calls too.”

He walked over and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Get some sleep. I need your strength too.” He smiled then began talking to whoever answered and walked to the other side of the room. He lowered his voice but it didn’t matter, I was too far gone to hear him.

Dean held me close as I sat in the living room. I had yet to say a single word to anyone other than him and only when we were alone. My mother was beginning to worry. She still believed that John and my father were going to walk through that door any day but I could see that Sam believed me. Maybe it was because Dean told him or maybe he sensed it somehow too.

The rumble of the impala’s engine was the first sign and Sam followed my mother to the front door. They watched from the porch as the car pulled into the driveway and only one man got out. She fell to her knees with a wail and Sam’s small arms wrapped around her. Even at ten years old, that boy was always trying to comfort those around him.

Dean turned me on the couch and crushed me against his chest. “It’s going to be okay.” He pressed his lips to my forehead and his warmth was so nice then I heard my father’s words repeat the sentiment. ‘Shh… it’s going to be okay.’

For the first time since I felt that ripping sensation, I actually believed my father’s final words.

~~

Dean jerked awake in the hospital. A nurse was standing at the end of his bed with his chart in her hands. “Sorry, just checking on you. Go back to sleep, okay?” She walked silently to the door and closed it.

He rolled his head feeling more than the usual cracks in his necks. The nausea passed quickly but the pounding in his head was back. The reality of the situation hit him fast and the pain in his chest had nothing on the one thing he was breaking. He scrubbed his face and blew out a breath. What the hell was he going to say to her? 

He had been thankful that she didn’t come in with Sam, he could only imagine what the look on her face would do to him. She had a way of affecting him for as long as he could remember but ever since that night, it was more than he ever thought someone could.

Dean waved to his father as Sam brooded on the bed behind him. Sam didn’t even realize how close they were but he wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to see her. He slammed the door closed and rushed over to his bag.

“I don’t know why you’re so damn happy. How come you didn’t fight harder for us to go? I’m not the baby you guys always treat me as. I’m thirteen! What are you doing?”

Dean pressed the phone to his ear and winked at his little brother. He heard her voice and smiled, “wanna grab a burger? We can be there in twenty, thirty minutes at the latest.”

“Can’t wait.” Her voice flowed through him and he felt the aches from the long ride disappear.

“Who is that?” Sam stood from the bed finally more curious than whiny.

“See you soon.” He pressed the end button and peeked out the window before opening the door again, “are you coming or not? I don’t want to leave Y/n waiting forever.”

His brother’s face lit up, “that’s why you were so damn quiet!”

“Some people actually pay attention to where dad drops us off, Sammy.” He ruffled his brother’s hair as he slung his bookbag over his shoulder. Dean put his cell phone in the front pocket of Sam’s bag then followed him out.

They took the bus and made it to Charlie’s burgers just as she pulled up into a parking spot. Every time he saw her there was something that made her different from every other girl and it wasn’t just the rush of adrenaline and the need to kiss her, he just couldn’t find the right definition for it. At least until two weeks ago.

She jogged over and hugged Sam. He talked animatedly about his school work and something about SAT’s that Sam's been obsessed with for the last two months. She matched his enthusiasm the whole time. Then she turned those eyes on him and everything was golden. There was nothing else when she smiled his way and moved toward him then finally pressed her lips to his. There would never be a word to describe what she did to him, nothing could ever measure up to the feeling that swam through his veins when she touched him.

“Hungry?”

He almost choked as he looked down at her, that sparkle in her eye like she knew exactly what he was thinking. She couldn’t read minds but maybe something changed since the last time he saw her. She chuckled and intertwined their fingers, “burgers are waiting.”

They ordered and sat at an outdoor table. She stayed by his side and Sam took a seat across from them. She listened intently as Sam went on and on and she pointed things out that must’ve been more helpful than he ever was. Their food came and they ate while exchanging updates from missed time. He knew most of the stories from their phone calls but it was different seeing her tell them. Sam finished his food and asked her to time a practice SAT test that of course, he brought along.

Sam started and y/n grabbed her basket of fries then walked to the other end of the long table. “No distractions.” She smirked as she sat down. He slid along the bench seat until he was pressed against her side again. She glanced at him popping a fry into her mouth, “always worth the drive.”

His gaze dropped to her leg and he smoothed his hand along her thigh. He wanted to say it but the words were trapped in his throat. Two whole weeks since he finally figured it out; the thing that had always pulled him toward her, that moved between them seamlessly. He didn’t know why he had to put a word to it, why it consumed his waking hours and even showed up in his dreams. His dreams that held much more recently. He cleared his throat, the need to tell her was so overwhelming but the fear that it wasn’t what she wanted to hear was a completely different ache, like a cursed box around his heart slowly crushing it as he struggled to say anything.

He felt every muscle under her jeans, the warmth of her skin seeping through the denim. Images from his dreams flashed in his head, these legs wrapped around him and her head tipped back as she made sounds that thrilled and urged him on.

She cleared her throat and his wide eyes shot up to hers. She quirked her brow and the corner of her mouth edged up. “Were you trying to say something?”

“I…” he stammered, his cheeks heating up at the thought that she could’ve gleaned any bit of his thoughts.

“Is there something on my face? There is, isn’t there?” She pulled a napkin from under the basket of fries and wiped her mouth.

He touched her hand that held the napkin and she met his gaze. He pulled it over to her cheek and wiped at the invisible mark. “I missed you.”

She smiled leaning her shoulder into him a little more, “me too.”

He had been so terrified to hurt her back then and he stupidly thought she wouldn’t want to hear how he felt. He thought of the wasted time between them because he just didn’t get it and then when he did, it took him two whole weeks to tell her. But that one moment, he wanted to live in that memory forever. He could never change a thing because that night had been the best moment of his life. Maybe the first in a line of bests.

She had talked them into coming back to her house and while her mother would never turn them away, she wasn’t about to let them sleep on the same floor anymore. He and Sam were relegated to the pull out couch in the downstairs living room. After pretending to sleep for two hours, the house was finally quiet and he snuck into her room only to find it empty but knew exactly where she would be.

He climbed out her window and carefully up the roof to the flat end that gave her the perfect view of the entire street. He spotted her near the edge with her knees drawn up to her chest. “Still on lookout?”

“You’re lucky I felt you coming. What if I fell?” She looked over her shoulder following his path to her side.

“Never happen with me around.”

He sat next to her and they looked out over the neighborhood. He leaned back stretching his arms behind him as he looked up. His hand landed on hers and he glanced at her. Her gaze was on the stars now and she didn’t look his way, but she smirked. It was like they were always moving closer no matter whether they did it consciously or not, they were just always gravitating toward each other ever since they were kids.

He watched her from the corner of his eye, her hair was pulled back in a ponytail revealing the curve of her neck and strong shoulders. Her chest on perfect display and another flash of a dream, his hands smoothing up her sides and tasting the flesh he had yet to actually see in real life. His jeans were suddenly uncomfortable and he leaned forward trying to maneuver without making it obvious why.

He pulled off a pretty convincing fake yawn and rubbed his hand down his face.

“I’m not a mind reader. Spit it out.” She touched his cheek with just enough pressure to turn his head toward her. “What’s going on in that interesting mind of yours?”

He studied her face in the light of the moon, her eyes almost glittering because of it, her mouth curved in an amused grin and another warm breeze blew against their skin. His heart stilled yet the blood rushed far too loud in his ears. He lingered on her lips before snapping up to meet her gaze. “I love you.”

Those gorgeous eyes smiled and the heat from those dreams swirled inside him. Her hand smoothed into his hair as she leaned in then paused just before her lips met his for a painful minute. She whispered against his mouth, “it’s about damn time.”

She finally kissed him and it was different from the dreams; it was so much better. He never wanted to stop kissing her for the rest of his life. He never wanted to stop needing her, never wanted to be without the pure bliss she created in his messed up life.

Between kisses, she whispered, “I love… you, with…everything I… am.”

He froze and opened his eyes staring into her intense gaze. Their hands stopped moving and just gripped each other. Her chest brushed against his as they panted, taking in oxygen while they could. She looked beautiful, more than she ever had before and he knew it was because of the way she looked at him, felt for him, and what she meant to him. He pressed his lips to hers with just a small amount of pressure but kept his eyes open and she didn’t let hers flutter closed like they normally did. He whispered against her lips, “forever and ever.”  

“Dean!”

He jolted awake in the hospital. He was alone and the windows were dark. He had fallen back asleep. He could still feel her lips on his but her anguished cry that had nothing to do with that memory was still ringing in his ears too. 

He didn’t have much life left and he’d be damned if he spent the rest of it here. “Fuck this.” He needed to get to her.

~~

“Dean!” I jerked up in bed and scanned the room before I met Sam’s gaze.

He pressed a button on his cell phone and dropped it to the bed. “You okay?”

I tried to shake off the dream that I couldn’t grab onto anymore. I still heard his name, my own voice screaming it, but couldn’t make out anything else. “I’m fine. Just… bad dream.”

“You’ve been asleep for a couple hours. We could grab something to eat and go see him. I’ve got a few more things to check out but maybe I’ll hear back from one of dad’s contacts.”

I nodded and stood, needing to get away from the bed and the lasting remnants of a dream I couldn’t remember yet that agony didn’t want to leave. “Let me wash up a bit and I’ll try a few of mine.”

He gave a stiff nod and picked up his phone again. I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. The dream was completely gone now, only that cry staining the air. 

Was I finally going to lose him? I gripped the sink as the twinge in my chest strengthened, squeezing so hard I couldn’t breathe. It finally released and I dragged in a painful breath while staring in the mirror.

How could I possibly look worse after sleep? The woman I saw in the mirror at the hospital hours ago looked in much better health than the one staring back at me now. 

After finishing in the bathroom, I walked out and grabbed my phone off the nightstand. Sam was gone, maybe to grab the food he had talked about and I sat down on the far side of my bed facing away from the door.

I looked down at my phone debating whether or not I should chance it. Then I dialed the cell number I had memorized at twelve years old.

“Hey, honey! I was beginning to think you forgot about me.” Pamela Barnes’s laughing voice eased some of the tension in my back.

“Do you know any way of reversing the effects of a heart attack and maybe a hundred thousand volts to the human body?”

She was quiet then her voice was different, concerned in a way I hadn’t heard since my father died. That truth hit way too hard. “Why do you sound… off?”

“You’ve got to know something. I don’t think I can survive… another loss.”

Her curse was muffled then her voice was almost commanding but soft, “oh honey, your dad and you, that was different. I’ve told you that was a blood tether, you connected with him at a young age but a parental connection that strengthens you for the inevitable break.” We were both quiet for a full minute and she sighed, “I’m sorry honey but I’m not a miracle worker. Who is it? Sam or Dean?”

My throat was tight but I was able to murmur, “dean’s dying. I can feel it but more than that… I feel like I’m coming apart too. Like my insides are already starting to tear. It’s lasting longer but it feels like what happened with my dad.”  

“What?”

The sound of her shock physically hurt and I couldn’t figure out why. “The only other time I felt like this… when I felt this… it was when dad was dying… so why do I feel it now?”

A muffled fuck then her voice was clear again, “it’s not possible. It’s just… it’s just heartbreak.”

“I’m telling you. I know this is …”

“Where are you? I’m coming to you.”

“I… no what about…” I hadn’t said her name aloud in months and I wasn’t about to start now.

“I know someone. Someone I trust with my life who’s dealt with demons before. She’d be safe with him. Where are you?” It wasn’t a question but a demand.

“Let me speak with her, so she knows I’m not just throwing her around.”

Pamela laughed and it seemed so wrong with everything going on but it was one of those things that I loved about her. “Honey, she’s a lot stronger than you give her credit for. But since she’s chomping at the bit to talk to you…”

“Y/n. How are you? How is he?” I pressed the phone against my face, her voice soothing and heartbreaking for a completely different reason.

“He’s… hanging in there. We’re going to save Dean. We’ll find something.”

“I’m not worried about Sam. I worried about you.”

“I’ll… be fine. We’re gonna get through this. I promise. You’re going to stay with a friend.”

She laughed, “stop worrying about me. I understand.” Her voice dropped so low, “do you still have the nightmares?”

“Yeah.”

“Stay safe.”

“That’s my line.”

“I’ll see you soon, ish.”

I laughed through the chunk in my throat, “hopefully.”

There was some muffled talking while they exchanged the phone then Pamela was back, “where are you?”

“Hey, I've…”

I jolted grabbing my chest and heaving a painful breath as I twisted on the bed. “Christ, Sam! You can’t just sneak up on me like that!”

“Sorry, I just…” he walked over and squeezed my shoulder, “are you okay?”

“Yeah, if I didn’t just jump out of my skin.” Then I noticed his eyes and finally realized part of my racing heart was his excitement.

“I’ve got something that might work.”

The phone in my hand was forgotten even though I could hear Pamela trying to get me to answer her. “Really?“

His brows furrowed as he glanced at the phone, “is that Pamela?”

“Yeah, she wants to know where we’re going.”

“Nebraska.”

I handed the phone to Sam wincing at the growing pain in my chest. “Here give her the details,” He watched me for a moment, his concern crashing over me like a vicious wave. “Please.”

A knock at the door caused another jolt to my system and I doubled over then forced myself to my feet. I thrust the phone into Sam’s chest. “Just take it. I’ll get it.”

I was pulled to the door and needed to distance myself from all the emotions emanating from Sam. It seemed the weaker I got, the worse my filter became. I opened the door and almost fainted with the surge of electricity through my veins. “Dean.”

He was leaning against the doorframe but the instant his name left my lips, he reached for me and crashed his mouth on mine. He fell back against the wall pulling me with him. I could feel how weak he was and tried to pull away but then changed course when his need slammed into me. I threw my arms around his neck and stopped fighting him. His arms wrapped around me and the pain and exhaustion slipped away. That energy was always there when we came together but it had never been so noticeable before. But then, neither one of us had ever been so close to death.

“Dean, what the hell?”

I broke the kiss but didn’t pull away. I couldn’t let go of him, not when I felt this much better against him. I laid my head on his shoulder tucking my face into his neck, breathing him in. It didn’t matter that he smelled of sweat and hospital, there was always that essence of Dean that dominated the worst.

“I checked out because there’s no way in hell I’m going to… die without…” He squeezed me, “there’s things to say first and I’ll be damned if I waste my time there instead of with you.” There was a tremor in his legs, he was struggling to stay upright.

I pulled away then smiled when his panic raced through me. “You need to sit down.” I turned slipping one arm around his back and Sam was at his other side in an instant helping me carry him to the bed. I sat down beside him and he pulled me against his side.

“I’ve found a specialist. We’re taking you to see him, no matter what you say.”

“Please,” I whispered.

He squeezed me, “okay.”

Part Two:

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