#deandramerrills

His smile would always tempt me, and somehow his eyes were inviting. He always hated it when I was needlessly apologizing, and made a hurricane seem like an absolute paradise. He was obliviously full of surprises yet completely indecisive. He drove me absolutely insane despite the way he made me feel so inclined to stay by his side. He had this way of enticing without saying a word and colliding into my soul without laying a hand on me. Every time his lips brushed my neck, I felt alive, revived, yet somehow still uptight. He made my muscles and heart relax and tense up all at once. He pulled me in with his overused lines that made me feel like he was saying them for the first time, the Casanova moves that would soothe and diffuse. No matter how many excuses I tried to make, I could never refuse his plague of a presence. I was under his spell, yet never fought it. I knew he would break my heart, and I handed him the hammer.

I’m not yours because you never asked me to be. You can’t keep me on a shelf – all to yourself. One of these days, our sparks are going to burn through and you won’t be able to hide it anymore. You make my head spin worse than whiplash, and my heart beat faster than a heart attack. You make me less impatient, but I don’t even know what I’m waiting on.

He said he's scared of getting caught ... [But] I never saw fear in his eyes those nights he whispered how he wanted his head between my thighs... The fear set in when the sun came up and he realized he couldn’t keep appearing on both sides of the fence, so he settled for the middle.

I used to try to romanticize my ability to fall for someone’s eyes before they showed them to me and daydream about hobbies before we played 20 questions on a rooftop. But there’s nothing romantic about cutting your heels on broken pieces before you realize your heart has shattered. People will love you and leave you before you can blink. But mountain views and Main Street hues will be there. Backroads will take your breath away, clifftops will make your heart skip beats. The glow of the street lights at dusk will make your cheeks blush. Your heart will find a new way to rush; giving you a home that won’t walk away.

I always had to look for the silver lining; an excuse to myself of why I wouldn’t leave. I would place stars in the eyes where there was nothing. I would imagine a symphony when all I heard was dead silence. I always had to look for the silver lining on the clouds that were never visible amongst the storms. I used my imagination to justify the actions that broke my heart. Until you. You waltzed in with your own symphony blaring. You came in your own galaxy shining. I don’t have to look for silver linings with you because everything is golden. There are not storms with dull clouds. Everything with you is as easy as a summer day; genuine as a fall night. Reality with you is better than my imagination.

You are Texas weather. Sunny and serenity on Thursday. Freezing in the forties by Friday. You toss me back and forth like a ping-pong ball, my head is spinning from inconsistency. You used to pull at my heartstrings, now you just give me a headache.

You keep popping in and out of my life like hopscotch, as if you still have that right. You can’t keep tabs on me and my life without you, because you chose to not be a part of it anymore. You don’t get to know what I’m doing now. You can’t ask me about the people I’m seeing and the new smiles forming, You let go of those rights when you let go of me. At first I was crushed. I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t sleep without seeing your smug face. I was convinced that I couldn’t live without you. One week after you nodded your head while our tears were flowing, i realized I couldn’t live with you. It’s not that bitterness crept in and made me hate you, but I finally had the courage to take off the blinders and see the truth. I put you on a pedestal, ready to give you everything and more. I became so wrapped up in you and your dreams, I choked myself and learned I wasn’t as flexible as i thought. You always treated me like a trophy - a prize, but I still felt like I was collecting dust; maybe this goodbye was always on your mind. I’m having to swallow my pride and tell everyone, “You were right”, because I fought so hard for something that wasn’t even mine. You gave yourself up a long time ago to the idea that you weren’t good enough for you, so no one else was either. I could never make you smile big enough. No matter what I did, regardless of the words I said, you could never feel my love. But that is not my fault, even though you wanted it to be. I’m finally realizing this was all you - not me.

I'm not the girl you fell in love with and I'm not the girl whose heart you broke. Sometimes I miss her, though. Her innocence, her will, her ability to believe you - in everything. Her willingness to compromise for the sake of love. Her freedom and grounding, confidence and ability to always see the good in people before they have a chance to do her wrong. She was airy like a spring day and ambitious as ever. She would have followed you anywhere and she did. Sometimes I miss her, maybe you do too.After all, she's the one who said changed everything. After all, you did fall in love with her. Sometimes I miss her now more than I missed you then. But I realize that she left for a reason. Like a caterpillar sheds its innocence to become a butterfly, I shed her to spread these wings you tried to clip.