He Was Wrong (He isnât Now)
âHe was wrong about us,â says Castiel, firm, into Deanâs shoulder.
Dean doesnât even sit up, just mumbles, âWho, Cas?â because thereâs dozens of people whoâve passed judgment on their relationship all over the years and theyâre all wrong, the two of them get that now. Dicks with wings, dick demons (and thatâs still sore, that spot, but who knows if Cas knows), friends of both of theirs, even the mutuals (donât get him started on Sam, frankly, though Sam usually places the closest bets).
âJimmy, myâformer vessel.â Eyes still closed, Dean just stares at the backs of his eyelids and wonders what in the world brought that up. According to Casâs angel logic, Jimmyâs been history since Raphael redecorated Chuckâs place with his insides that first time. Who cares what he thinks?
âYeah? Whatâd olâ Jimmy say? Back off that dumb righteous dude, angel, heâs not worth it?â Dean jokes, fighting a yawn, finally opening his eyes in time to see Castielâs stern expression. Cas isnât real fond of Deanâs sense of humor when it involves bagging on himself; Dean maybe might do it sometimes just for that look.
Castiel looks only too happy to squash Deanâs expectations when he says, âActually, he encouraged me to pursue you, as long as he wasâremoved. Unable to, feel it, that is. But thatâs why he was wrong.â
Deanâs sleepiness slips away, because Cas is being even less understandable than usual, unless Deanâs usual he doesnât want me certainty is about to be rewarded. Pretty damn unlikely, considering what they just got finished doing. Dean might not know what Casâs original face looked like or exactly how many times he stuck his wings out for the hopeless fucks on Earth, but he knows Cas, and Cas isnât the wham bam type.
âYouâre gonna have to be specific, Cas, âcause Iâm not really getting the message here, unless youâre about to pull a God-level plot twist on me and get up and leave.â (Again, Dean thinks privately, but thatâs not really fair, cos Cas has never fucked him before, so itâd be different.)
Cas looks thoughtful, staring down at Dean with a furrowed brow where heâs propped up on a pillow, sweaty and messy and gloriously human, apart from his expressionsâwhich sometimes still cross back over into alien and awe-inspiring every now and then. (Not dying, not being drained of damn destructive angel mojo, not being dragged into wars or chased by âfamilyâ, safe in the Bunker and securely in Deanâs bed. Sexily in Deanâs bed, if it has to be said.) He doesnât know what the guyâs thinking, but he sure looks like a big dork doing it.
âHe thought I wasâŠinterested, then, when weâd only met. I couldnât argue with him, feelings were difficult for me. I couldnât always identify why I was connected to you.â Castielâs thoughtful look turns troubled, his eyes moving away from Deanâs face. Dean shakes the wrist thatâs carelessly draped over his chest, trying to grab his attention back, but he remains diverted. âI thought it was my grace, or some form ofââ and finally he faces Dean again, pressing his hand flat where it lay. âOwnership, forgive me, Dean. I thought it was because Iâd returned you to yourself, that it was pride in creation, and it was unclean, blasphemous, because the only true creator is God.â
Castielâs mouth tightened, and Dean felt his stomach jump at another reminder of the severity the guy seemed to be trying to express. âI knew you well, Dean, after Hell. I will always know you, the way you were then. Humans are wild and artless, hard to predict, confusing for one as foreign as I was. Jimmy was helpful, but nothing was more relievingâand, and frustrating,â he glares, a little, at Dean, and Dean offers a half-sheepish smile, remembering his gleeful asshattery after dodging the bullet of demonhood (yeah, that lasted long) and coming up against the cold, callous dicks whoâd arranged it, âthan to be so exposed to your myriad emotions and so unclear about any of the why.â
âYou were interesting to me, because I had been told so much of you, and yet, you defied the telling. I found⊠something in you, and I didnât know what, but it wasâas I said, relieving. You were unkind, uncooperative...uncowed by humility weâthey, I, typically inspire, and yet. Dean, you were still so good, and I was unprepared and dangerously affected. But it wasnât what Jimmy Novak thought.â
Dean might be shaking now, and if Casâs little glance at him mid-monologue is any indication, itâs not unnoticed, but what is he supposed to say to that? He struggles for composure, his lips half-lifting, smirking, trying to. âSo you liked me but you didnât like like me? Is that what youâthe point weâre getting to? Did Uriel know this, cos he kinda seemedââ
Castielâs eyelashes fall and his eyes sadden, and Dean cuts himself off. âUriel was a friend, I thought. He warned me away from any feeling for a human, any at all, because you were our mission and nothing else. I know now, of course, that this was betrayal, of myself and our Father, but then. Then I believed him.â He gives Dean a dry look, sadness falling away. âI never know when people are lying, remember? Youâve been most invaluable to me in that.âAmong other things, his slow, soft smile seems to add, and Dean canât remember ever being this sure of that kind of sentiment before, so, ditto, Cas, ditto.
Shaking his head, Castiel does something unprecedented (Dean kids, he kids) and returns to the point. âBut yes, that is the appropriate translation. I was fond of you, as I am of Sam now, as Iâve been of Anna, of Balthazar, even of Mââ Dean makes a little disgusted noise and Castielâs mouth twitches as he closes it with a snap. That affection is one thing Dean will never get, and Cas has tried but he canât seem to even explain it himself, so itâs better left unsaid.
âFond, but now I know, I can distinguish emotions, Dean. I know what this feels like now, and I did not feel it then. I did notâŠâ Castiel pauses, his eyes boring into Deanâs, and yeah, no longer creepy, hasnât been for years, especially when they go all dark and his lips part like itâs instinct, âdid not hunger like this,â his voice has gone somewhat faint, and Deanâs bellyâs full of warmth, though his bodyâs spent, âor experience the same pain from separation.â Ouch. Boner killer. But the guilt isnât the same anymore, even if the remembered gut-stabbing pains linger for them both sometimes.
Dean leans up and does his best to suck the hurt out of Casâs voice with open-mouthed, affectionate kisses, making his mark, saying Iâm right here asshole stop missing me. Castiel kisses back, putting actions to the word hunger, clutching him close, hands desperate, but gently, as though heâs forgotten his strength is diminished. Dean pushes him harder, as is his usual technique, dragging him even tighter against him and rubbing a foot down his calf, and Cas leans over him, holding his face with quiet, unshakable intent, panting on his lips when they have to stop to breathe.
He canât help but smile, gooey as it is to let himself. âSo whenâd it get to this then, o all-knowing one?â Deanâs emotions arenât as weird, donât really need the same kind of scientific observation or whatever. He felt like a sleaze for wanting to hit that even back in the barn with Bobby lying on the floor, as soon as he realized the guy was being possessed, but thatâs truthfully where heâs been for years, until it got serious, and then he got scared; the sex part was always there, even if he ran from the rest, and heâŠreally canât remember where or when the other stuff started. Alternate dimension Detroit, maybe? Ill-spent night in Maine iniquity? Or fuck, the creepy angel Room, when Cas put a hand over his mouth and Dean realized they werenât near as âdoneâ as heâd guessed. Who even knows. Itâs been forever, feels like.
Castielâs answer is almost inaudible. âAt first, thinking of your regard was odd, off-putting. The brothel, in Maine, was especially enlightening to me, but even then, I didnât wantânot Chastity, or you...I don't think. I felt differently, but it wasnât like this.â His words get louder as he leans in to kiss Dean once more, their swollen lips almost unpleasant against each otherâs, âI think it may have been a discovery I only understood once our end was imminent. But, I felt, when you had chosen otherwise.â
Dean could feel his face shaping into confusion again against Casâs, and Cas hurried to clarify, kissing again and again, âI went to you, Dean, beforeâbefore Crowleyâs deal. You were raking, as Lisa wanted, and there was peace for you. I could not ask you to let that go, and Crowleyâhe knew.â Castiel growls against Deanâs lips and squeezes him tighter, âHe always knew. And the feeling was used against me.â Deanâs pulled away from the sharp arousal of that noise into the bloody memory of that manipulative bastardâs fitting end, and Casâs dazed face says heâs not alone; he shakes Cas again, gets them back on track.
âSo you were gonna, then, but you didnât want toâwhat? Fuck up my failed try at apple pie?â Cas looks puzzled at first, but then he nods, carefully. Dean sighs, wishing this had been told to him then, but he canât help but beâŠtouched. He doesnât want to be, and his anger from back then was still totally right, okay, but itâs kind of sweet, that Cas, the big dumbass, left him alone cos he thought he was happy. He mightâve hated it back then, and part of him does now, but he can see, now, why Cas would do that. Even if he didnât like it.
Also, heâs more on Casâs team than ever after getting his own taste of a deal with Crowley. And he owes Cas for a lifetime and more for helping him get that done, so he canâyeah, he can admit to this gratification here.
ââŠThanks, Cas. Yâknow, even if you were wrong. Even if youâre pretty much always wrong about that.â
Castiel rolls onto him and presses his forehead against the reinstated anti-possession tattoo with a sigh. âIâm aware, now, Dean. But I couldnât evenâI didnât know. I just knew your safety, and this peace of yours, was important to me, a priority, if of course not the only. I tried, to keep you out of it, if I could, and now, now I realize that was loveâthe kind of love you taught, that aimed for protection above all else. You must know that, Dean. You must know it was love, then.â
Dean rubs a hand through the nest that is Casâs hair and kisses where he brushed his fingers. âI do, Cas. Weâve all fucked up, but we all got back here because ofâthat, at least a little bit. Not the whole protection thing, not always, but man, I know youâre part of that, I got that loud and clear, and.â Heâs quiet, eyes closed and face in Casâs sweaty hair, his voice choked. âWe both are.â
Cas holds him and he holds Cas, and theyâre both silent, everything said. Itâs rank in this room and theyâll have to shower soonâstill weird, that Cas has to shower like he doesâbut they can take a minute first.