"We're all set here."

Dean hums as Sam brushes his hands together in his periphery. He didn't even realise they were so close to finishing the set up. 

"Now it's just a matter of timing." 

Timing. Cas had the worst timing. Saying something like that at a time like that, leaving Dean with more questions than answers. 

"Dean?" 

"..Huh?" 

"You okay? You spaced-out, for a minute there." 

"Yeah, I'm just—" he waves a hand around, trying and failing to capture what he's feeling. 

"Look, about Jack," Sam steps closer, voice dipping to a tone that means sympathy and support, the kind that gets a work out on a case. "I know things with you two have always been kind of complicated, and I can imagine that him not bringing Cas back has only made things harder—" 

"—Woah, Sam. No. I get it—really. He's hands off, y'know? Probably for the best. Meddling was Chuck's problem, it's how everything got so screwed up in the first place." Not that he's palming all his mistakes off on bad writing, but still. Jack not intervening is a good thing, in a way. 

"Yeah, I guess. Makes you wonder if he might not condone what we're doing here, you know?" 

Dean hums again. "But you'd think if he let anyone have one more get-out-of-jail-free card it'd be Cas. Who knows, maybe Jack's rootin' for us."

"Yeah, maybe," Sam chuckles. "Don't worry. It's gonna work."

That's sort of what Dean's worried about. 

"You seem nervous."

Maybe Sam could help. 

"You sure you're okay?" 

"I just—" how does he even phrase it? "When Cas was—I mean, before he saved me, he.. said some stuff." 

"What kind of stuff?" 

"Big stuff. Deathbed confession, type-stuff." 

"Confession? What did he—" and realisation dawns on Sam, because of-fucking-course it does. "Oh."

No use hiding it now. "Yeah, 'oh'."

"So. He finally told you." 

Wait what? "What d'you mean finally?" 

"Dean." And there's so much in just that one word. "Cas has been in love with you for.. well, I don't know how long, exactly. A while, I think. Years." 

Dean's lungs empty in a rush. "Okay, see, that's the thing: he's an Angel, Sam."

"Yeah, I kinda picked up on that."

Dean sends him a bitch face but Sam just smiles. "Tha—it's a human emotion. Angels don'—they can't feel that way." Right?

"Serafina did."

"Pretty sure she and Adam from the freakin' Garden of Eden knew each other for more than a few years. More like eons." 

"Since when does time determine love?" Sam gets a look Dean remembers from when he'd talk about the past, about Jess. Probably not something he wants to bring up right now, seeing as how Eileen's right outside. 

"Cas is my best friend, but he's literally older than the world." 

"So it's an age-thing?" 

"Wh—? No!" Dean takes a deep breath, to steady himself, steady his train of thought. "I know Cas is an Angel, okay? I mean, there's the mojo, and the not-sleeping, and he saw the first fish crawl outta the ocean—the whole nine. That's not what's botherin' me." Sam waits patiently. "I know he cares. I just don't know if.." If he feels the same way I do. "If he really feels the way he thinks he does. About me, about love, an'.." Dean swallows. "Love."

For all his tact in handling witnesses during a case (people who're at their most vulnerable), Sam fucking snickers. 

Dean glares daggers; half-hurt, half not surprised because isn't that how little brothers are supposed to act? They laugh at their sibling's relationship troubles? But Sam gets it, because his face softens. 

"Dean. Maybe Angels do feel things differently from Humans. In fact, it's pretty much guaranteed. But Cas has always been different from the rest of them. And I've been here over the years, you know. I've seen it." 

"Seen what?" 

"The way he looks at you. And I never thought it was some big secret, I mean—you saw it too! And you looked at him the same way." 

"Did not!" Sam gives him that: c'mon Dean you can't fool me here face, and he let's it go. Sam's probably not wrong. 

"What did you say? After he told you."

"I.." Nothing. He told Cas—begged him not to do it that way—but everything was happening so fast, and there was a decade's worth of doubt stopping Cas' words—those three huge words—from sinking in. Even after, as everything finally hit him and he curled up on the dungeon floor and cried his freakin' eyes out, even then, even now, he still doesn't know what he would've said if he had the moment again. "There was no time."

Sam nods. "Well, now there is. You guys can talk—"

"—What if I'm right?" Sam's brow crinkles at that. "I mean, no offence Sam, but I know him better than you do. What if.. what Cas feels, is.." he trails off, unable to get the words out. 

"..Are you worried he's not in love with you, or that he is?" 

One sounds better than the other. Both sound kinda terrifying. 

Sam sighs, and it's almost pitiful.

"I don't wanna lose him." As a friend, most of all. Because if Cas misunderstood the whole love-confession thing being for non-brotherly love then Dean won't say anything, obviously, but it'll hurt. Cas will be back but things will be different—worse actually, because that whole thing with The Empty made him confront his own feelings (or stop suppressing them, at least). Cas isn't just a friend to him, and it's not familial either. But can they go back to being 'just friends' after everything? Can Dean? 

"Dean, no matter what happens you're not going to lose him. Just look at everything the two of you have already been through."

Now there's a distracting and somewhat depressing train of thought. Apocalyptic times can't tear them apart, not for good, and even death is nothing new. It would be a painful joke of cosmic proportions if the thing that actually ruins their friendship is love. 

"Do you love him?" Dean's head snaps up to meet Sam's eyes. "Are you in love with Cas?" 

Eileen returns before he can think of a way to deflect, cutting off anymore talk about it. 

She gestures to Sam and he tells Dean, "It's time. You ready?" 

Dean's not sure what he would've said but the truth is best kept for Cas' ears anyway. And Sam's right. They have time. They can talk, and hopefully they'll figure things out and where they stand with as little heartache as possible. There's no avoiding it, not now, not after everything. He nods, steeling his resolve. "Yeah. I'm ready." 

At least he knows Chuck is no longer pulling their strings and that whatever happens from here on out it really is just him and Cas. The thought never even crossed his mind that Cas' confession might be Chuck's doing. Chuck didn't care enough about him to bother, and besides: Cas was always the rebel against God's story.

Dean steps over the threshold of painted sigils, taking his place in the centre of the circle. As Sam starts chanting he feels his worry over the truth of Cas' words ebb away and hope flow in to supplant it. The phantom scar of a handprint on his shoulder from when Cas rescued from Hell seems to flare to life and brand itself back into Dean's flesh, and the only thing going through his mind is: what if Cas really is in love with me? He smiles at the thought. 

As the glowing portal tears into existence before him he remembers something else Cas said to him, back when Dean was questioning his whole reality. Cas was steadfast and sincere as ever as he held Dean's eye and told him that they were real. And for the first time Dean knows that to be true. He feels it in his very soul. 

With his hand raised he moves towards the portal and braces for some kind of inter-dimensional shift, but he's not scared. This is the right thing to do, for both of them. 

And then most of you

Some

And now none of you

Take me back

Well let me make up those numbers for you and say I’m 170% sure Cas is coming back. Dean’s story hinges on it. He’s spent this whole series fighting for everyone else. It’s time he fights for himself. For what he wants. He doesn’t get that kind of resolution with saving the world like he has time and again. He only gets it when he accepts himself and tells his truth too, just like Cas did. 

It’s all set up in 15x18 when he goes after Billie and says one last time “We don’t have a choice, Sam”. The same line we’ve been hearing from Dean over and over and over, only this time he’s shown YET AGAIN to regret this knee-jerk response to a situation. 

What we’re seeing is Dean’s disordered mindset starting to crack; this mindset that’s essentially kept him running the same circles over the years. The carrot at the end of the stick (if you will) to embracing this change in mindset is Cas’ admission shortly after that, that against all odds, in a world where there’s been this lording puppet master pulling all the strings, Dean has somehow managed to change him with his love. The pivotal reveal very explicitly has nothing to do with Chuck. Chuck was openly pissed at Cas in 15x17 for this very same thing. 

So what we’re left with in 15x18 is Dean painfully learning that he does have a choice. That he can and does affect change. THAT HE MATTERS. 

What we haven’t gotten yet is a chance to SEE HIM MAKE A CHOICE.

That choice is Cas. It has to be. Cas is the affirmation of all the things Dean wouldn’t let himself feel/be.

Maybe I will make a longer spec post about this later BUT the trailer and the dialogue about Dean saving the world gives me very strong “Buffy” finale vibes.

***BUFFY SPOILERS below***

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In the “Buffy” finals the final battle concludes with Spike dying and closing the hellmouth, completing his redemption arc and providing a tragic but affecting end to the love story with Buffy. She even tells him, “I love you,” to which he says, “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.” (FWIW, I think she does, even though Spike has been the only character to be consistently correct about the feelings people have for one another throughout the series. It’s just not a stereotypically romantic kind of love.)

This was all negated by the decision to resurrect Spike by popular demand on the final season of “Angel” because fans freaked the fuck out at losing Spike, even in such a heroic and poetic way. I was one of those fans and I am an unabashed Spike fangirl (even with/especially with the problematic shit that accompanies his character) and I was happy to see him back. But, narratively? It was kind of appropriate. It was the logical conclusion of a redemption arc and a love story that honestly didn’t have great long-term possibilities, what with one being being human and one not (but with a soul by the end). 

I’ve written before about the parallels between Cas and Spike, particularly the way in which both grew into far more central characters than had originally been intended because of stellar performances, great onscreen chemistry, and audience reaction. Spike started the series as a straight-up villain but the character gained nuance and sympathy (especially when played against the relatively wooden Angel). Joss Whedon was apparently incredibly annoyed by this turn of events and wanted Spike to stay evil and never be a romantic interest for Buffy. James Marsters apparently wanted their romantic plotline to remain forever unrequited, with Spike never being good enough for the love of the heroine. 

As it turned out, both lost out to popular demand. After a torrid affair in S6 (still one of the hottest things to ever hit network TV imo) that took place after Buffy returned from the dead, Spike went to win back his soul after committing an unforgivable act (attempted rape). In the final season, he returned as a hero himself. It made sense, then, for Spike to literally save the world thanks to his love for Buffy.

But, man, it was a fucking bummer!! I mean, it was a tribute to his character and it’s clearly immensely meaningful to Buffy. But none of us wanted to see our fan favorite dead after all that! You see where I’m going with this, I’m sure. Cas hasn’t ever been straight-up evil, but he’s occupied gray areas of moral ambiguity throughout the series. He doesn’t precisely have a “redemption arc” (or shouldn’t, since imo he hasn’t done anything that needs it since the whole Godstiel thing 7 seasons ago). But narratively he has served the same function for Dean that Spike did for Buffy for much of the show; both are more than human, neither hero could possibly have succeeded alone, both Spike and Cas love (and are in love with) their humans and would do anything to help them in their quests. I think it makes an unfortunate amount of sense for Cas to die in the same way or for the same reason Spike did.

I don’t want this!! And I didn’t want it for Spike either!! And at least--at LEAST!--in that case fandom got the satisfaction of plenty of hot vampire-on-slayer action, plus very sincere confessions of romantic feelings. I think it’s possible that we will get a parallel moment pre-death where Dean tells Cas that he loves him, just as Buffy did for Spike. But I think that will be it and we’ll be left to interpret it as we will. I’d love to be wrong about that too, of course, but thinking with my analytic mind that knows pop culture conventions instead of my poor, sad Cas-loving heart...I see why they might be doing this. Those bastards.

As I’ve said, I’d been hoping that Cas would choose to give up his grace and become human and that that was his sacrifice, the end of his arc where he struggles with his dual nature, and the way for him and Dean to be happy in some ambiguous future. But...I don’t know if TPTB are going to consider that big enough or final enough. They want Cas to be a hero and, unfortunately for us, in the SPN universe heroism appears to exist one-to-one on painful sacrifice. 

Let me propose that this may be what happens in 15x18, an episode where Dean and Cas apparently (according to Jensen and Misha) will share a scene that was heavy to shoot:

Cas gets his wings back.

Cas makes the choice to go back to Heaven.

So in 15x18, the heavy moment that Jensen and Misha referred to during VegasCon is quite possibly us getting a callback to the ET goes home exchange in S8: we get Cas and Dean saying goodbye. 

Maybe this is for the best, they both think. Maybe the gates of Heaven are set to close for good, once the war is won, and no angel shall ever walk the Earth again and this is for the best, they both think. 

Dean doesn’t think, not really, but he complies, because he’s learned how to accept things as they are, and let go, and Cas has now made his choice and his arc is complete and he’s ascending back to Heaven to help sort it out and keep angels like Duma from ever even attempting to spread their poison through his home ever again.

Yeah?

No.

I mean. No, I don’t like it, please, no, thank you, please?

So, because this thought overwhelmed me with all its potential, I have written out, in great detail, all my reasons for why I strongly disagree with the idea that Cas might ever end up in Heaven for good at the end of the series. 

Watching through the show from 12x19-15x13 I have even stronger faith that he actually won’t, but I needed to get my anxiety out, so there it is.

I do not wish to see Dean and Cas’ journey ending on a goodbye, and I actually don’t believe that’s what we’ll get. I can see the value in Cas getting his powers back and I can see that happening, for sure, but I also believe there may be one final choice for him to make. 

And that choice may very well be linked very strongly to his humanity and to where he belongs, which is Earth and with his family, but more importantly, to how he wants to belong there.

If you want to read a proper exploration of this spec, click to enter Thunderdome.

(it got very long, my loves) (no regrets)

who heard it from another friend -- (sorry - super deep-cut 90s music reference that literally nobody else will get, but just go with me) -- Actually, I was just skimming around in an anti blog (which imo, means it’s likely true - they usually get particularly pissed at things that are true and/or stuff we’d squee over)... Apparently Misha told the folks at his meet and greet at LV this past weekend that CAS IS IN THE FINAL SCENE OF THE SERIES.