#deadvent

Im trapped in a liminal hellscape. There's three of us, just three of us. Look closely and you'll see. There's more of us, much more of us. How much is there to see??

I just feel so out of control. I just.. Don't feel like sharing my interests with anyone in my family because I'm pretty sure they all find me annoying. Somehow the people on the internet are the ones that understand me the best. And anyways, it's not like I could get my family to understand if I tried. Sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I bury it under false confidence. I just want to be understood and loved. Why does feel so fucking hard to accomplish sometimes. The only time I get along is under specific circumstances, like building Legos with my dad or baking with my mom. I hate this game of chance, I hate them, I hate myself, but it's hard to hate people who have shown their care for me.

I didn't tell them about one F and D I got in school because I was scared they would get mad. And now I'm not gonna get a fucking summer, as soon as I learn to drive after finishing off this semester I'm headed straight to college. I just wanted a fucking break year. So yes, my fears were accurate.

I get told to be quiet or relax when I'm doing vocal or movement based stims. They don't understand why I go nonverbal to the point where I just fucking force myself to talk. Most of my vocal stims sound like they'd be on Windows 98 because of this. This is why I don't tell them Fucking Shit about me! I'm 18 and I'm still not allowed to fucking curse. Both of my parents are in the spectrum and yet they still don't understand. And they never will.

I wish I could apologize to the toys. I also had a mini breakdown when playing chapter five during the Huggy memory scenes. Fear. Denial. Rage. Rage. Rage. Rage. I hope Lovebraids is dead. I didn't want to hurt the toys. I wanted to hide in the corner. But all I could do IS BRING THEM TO THE BAD TOY BOX. At least CatBee seems fine.. I want to be a CatBee. Maybe not a dead one, just a hiding one. Scared, yes. But I wouldn't have to deal with the player, hopefully. The Doctor could be a nuisance if I'm on his bad side. Stay away from Ollie. I wish I could hug Preston. I'm so sorry.