#deadrant

#deadog #deadtalk #deadrant #semi-vent #rant experience #rant #ramble #yapping #notexpectingreplies #dogpost

i joined this server that my friend wanted me to join. it's his server and it's a community one. it feels like the server just doesn't care or want me there. everyone there whose active knows eachother prior while i either barely or don't know them at all. everyone has already developed bonds and connections with eachother while im just kinda sitting here. it's reminding me of old trauma in school and i'm starting to feel uncomfortable in there. i'm debating on leaving but perhaps this feeling may past. maybe i just need to talk more in there or try getting to know people. maybe im just too sensitive or socially awkward. there are many factors that play into this feeling, i just don't know which ones are true.

Tw topics: SH

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#deadog #deadtalk #deadrant #vent #rant experience #rant #ramble #yapping #tramuatalk #notexpectingreplies #fluxpost

i'm unsure if there is exactly a name for what i'm experiencing, i have yet to look into it. does anyone relate to getting extreme urges to harm yourself in one way when you figure out a friend had/may has done similar? it feels self centered, like im trying to make all eyes on me but it's uncontrollable.

i get it every time someone tells me how they may have relapsed one night and they confined and vent to me about it. i don't get it, it happens every time. the urges become so uncontrollable and intense, it always spikes like this. i'm confused and frankly worried. worried for both my friends and myself.

i don't understand... ugh

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#deadog #deadtalk #deadrant #college #college experience #rant #ramble #yapping #happyrant #tramuatalk #notexpectingreplies #perfectbluepost

so i just got all of my college things halfway done. still need to apply for classes and yadahha..

a little bit to know about me is that i stayed back during my 4th grade. this was a fought decision between my mother and teacher with the school because of the "no student gets left behind" shit. the reason i stayed back was due to me lacking in most subjects. (i am a slow learner) as a kid this caused a lot of trauma and stress, i remember upon hearing this news falling to the floor in a crying fit.

i lost all my friends and felt like an outsider to this entirely new class i was in. i knew no one there, i was completely alone starting from scratch. this lead me to of course being older than all my peers and having no such connections. like your classroom you start school with you literally know since childhood. i felt left out, i didn't know these people like how others did. i was alone.

i made some friends but it never felt the same. college is different though. there's no set age you go into college as. people go into college as old as their 50s!

when i was getting my orientation done, i saw all kinds of ages in that room. it was to say the least, refreshing. someone older than me was starting something for the first time. everyone here, no matter the age, also didn't have a clue on what was happening. it made me want to cry, like a weight being lifted i carried for all these years.

before today i was deciding on not even going to college and just working. i was scared frankly of it being that 4th grade all over again. yet seeing this made me want to continue into college and doing what i want to do.

thank you for listening if you did, if not, i still love you for being here. i hope you have a good day 💕