#deadpoolxyou

Hi Reader! Your favorite merc with a mouth here.  I know you’re probably impatient to get to the story, but you’re not here yet. I’ll let you know when you come in. As per most other nights, I was sprawled out on the couch in front of the tv. I need to keep my pop culture knowledge current in order to keep making quips at other people’s expense. There was a night old box of pizza within reach that I was working my way through. Since I let Blind Al go free there has been a definite increase in my amount of pizza consumption. I jumped to my feet and cheered loudly as our boy Leo was called up to the stage to accept his long awaited Oscar, and accidentally upset the pizza box. It threw my last two pieces all over the floor, but I wasn’t too concerned. His speech was interrupted by the phone. I glared at it, removed a gun from its holster and silenced it with two shots. The coffee table it rested on was splintered as well, but it was still standing up so it’s fine. When he was finished speaking I sprawled out on the couch again with my head lying back on my crossed arms. I’m happy for him. Didn’t Chris Evans look sexy in his tux? I wonder if I can get a Captain America cross over next. Bohemian Rhapsody filled the apartment as my cell phone began to ring. “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality,” I sang to myself as I dug it out. “Deadpool here,” I answered. “One of the guys gave me your number. I need your help,” said a deep male voice. “Give me your story and how much you’re offering.” “It’s my girlfriend. She’s been taken by the Cobras, she’s being held there. I... Well, I might have killed a few guys I shouldn’t have, and they want to get back at me. Boss says if I go over there I’ll be starting a gang war and he’ll torture me and her to death himself so my hands are tied. Will you do it for 2000 bucks?” I mulled it over. It wasn’t going to be a hard job. “Done. Give me the details. I’ll bring you the girl, you have the money.” - Now we’re there. On the outskirts of the city, looking at a middle class house filled with petty gangsters. Yawn. It’s a real white picket fence kind of place; clean, blue, white porch, three stories. I wonder if it belongs to someone’s mom or something. Look, there’s even a footpath of little stones. Definitely someone’s mom’s house. I try the doorknob and it’s unlocked, definitely expecting that pipsqueak to show up. Heh. I always like giving surprises.   I walk in and look around. About 10 seconds, aaaaand here comes the first wave. Two people are shooting at me from a doorway and one from the stairs. A couple bullets go right through me, leaving little holes in my torso, but as you know, reader, that doesn’t slow me down. I shoot all three of them. Bang. Bang. Bang. Okay. Now up the stairs. Ooo, five bedrooms, one bathroom. I wouldn’t want to be part of that line in the morning. The first door reveals a guy lying in bed and watching tv, who clearly wasn’t expecting this. “Hey, you, fucking slacker!” He looks up and I shoot him in the face. Who is he to be relaxing while everyone else is hard at work trying to kill me. I leave the room and see four more guys pouring up the stairs. I shoot the first one before I hear a woman’s voice yelling “Stop. Stop. STOP,” from back down in the hallway. I shrug and hop over the railing, knocking down two of the guys. The force pushes one of them down the stairs under my feet. I smile as his body carries me down, enjoying the clunk clunk clunk his head makes as it bounces off every stair on the way down. I see a woman of 40 or so waving her tattooed arms, “what do you want?!” “Look, I was right! This is someone’s mom’s house!” “I’m not anyone’s fucking mom, this is my gang. And I don’t know who the fuck you are or why you’re killing them.” Well, she certainly has a mouth. She also has a gun in her hand, but it doesn’t look like she’s planning to use it. “Give me the girl, scumbag!” I was planning to use that line this whole time, I’m not letting it go to waste now. “That little fuck hired you, eh,” she shook her head. “I didn’t know we were getting supes involved in these things now.” I followed her into the living room, aaand scene pause. There you are, dear Reader. Sitting on the couch and looking a little shaken up. I know, I know, it’s about time. I’m not going to tell you what you looked like since I don’t technically know that, but I’m confident that you’re super hot. That doesn’t mean a whole lot from a guy who looks like me under the mask, but you’re here to read about me anyway, right? So I’m here to read about you too. Er. Whatever. Now I’m going to pass the narrative off to you, but don’t worry, I’m still here. Scene unpaused. You got a better look at the man now than the red blur you saw earlier. You were shocked that Tommy had sent someone for you, you definitely expected him to show up in a rage and get his stupid ass handed to him. “Okay, well, time to go,” said the man, gesturing to you.   They hadn’t tied you up. In fact, Mercy, the gang leader, had been really quite nice to you. Once she realized you were grateful for their plan she had been a wonderful host. She fed you, and even gave you a handgun which was safely tucked in the back of your jeans. “I don’t want to go,” you said to him. You shot Mercy a glance, “well, I don’t want to stay here either, but I definitely don’t want to go back to him. He’s a shitty boyfriend, who’s been impossible to leave because of the whole belongs to a murderous gang thing.” Despite the mask, you could tell that he raised his eyebrows in a shocked expression. “Well this changes things. How about I bring you back to him. Collect the money. Kill him.” You shug, “it’s not like I had a plan, or have much room to argue.” “It’s settled then, we’re off.” “How about next time we come to this conclusion without leaving dead bodies all over my house,” Mercy said with a long sigh. He had grabbed your wrist and was pulling you out the door. You stepped over the dead bodies in the hallway, trying to avoid the puddles of blood as best you could. You wondered how your life got to a place where you were used to seeing corpses. Whatever radar that made up your boyfriend picker was definitely off. That being said, tonight had felt very surreal for you. To top it off, here was a masked man trying to save you. “Send me the cleaning bill!” He called over his shoulder. “Who are you, anyway?” you ask “Evil Spiderman?” “I fucking wish,” he smiled at this. “Deadpool.”