#deadpool funny

so the other night I was at the bus stand and I saw this.

Chapter 1 (?)

So this is one of my first fanfics on this site, so sorry if it’s not the best, but, regardless, I hope you enjoy. (Btw I’m not really sure if tumblr is a site for posting fanfics, but I guess we’ll see.) (also, I swear this isn’t how I usually write, but writing Deadpool into a fic is like welcoming the demolition of the fourth wall, so, yeah)

Warnings: Major fluff, some vulgar language, and some serious keyboard hijacking

————

It was just your average bright cloudy day at the morgue when Peter started seeing dead people. Now you may ask yourself, is this man being portrayed by Bruce Willis, but, rest assured, this coroner was much more less bald than our DC universe older than middle aged sex fantasy, but we’ll get to that later.

No, Peter was probably one of the most brilliant minds in his field, if the field also included the requirement of building a scaled model version of the Death Star. And also a semi-decent Chewbacca impression. Geekdom aside, the guy was average, so he definitely probably didn’t deserve a red and white striped 1978 station wagon driving through the walls of his morgue.

As the dust cleared, the light revealed a half demolished wind shield with a few corpses chilling around the messed up room. The windshield wipers turned on for a moment to push away a dismembered shoulder, allowing Peter to have a better look at the driver.

Peter didn’t even have a moment to process what happened or who he had see when the originally dead man behind him jumped off the observation table, in his full naked glory, but still wearing his mask, somehow. “Jesus Christ”, Peter exclaimed tumbling to the ground.

“Close but not quite.”

“I don’t even need to be able to see to know you’re being stupid right now.”

“Lovely to see you too, Al. How’s the roomba working out for ya?”

“Are you always this much of a dick when you revive”, the lady responded. As Wade was about to respond, the previously forgotten coroner returned to their attention.

“Y-you’re supposed to be n-not alive”, Peter stuttered, making eye contact with the butt naked but ever sexy Wade W. Wilson.

“And who might you be”, Wade asked crouching down to the other man’s cowered form. “White jacket. Really awkward looking? You must be a coroner”, he said in a snobbish voice.

Peter felt himself finally come over the shock of the car crash and now finds himself having to deal with shock and trauma from the terrible movie reference. “Did you just quote Drac-“, Wade placed his hand over the other’s mouth.

“Wrong, fanfic sweet cheeks. But anyways, I gotta skiddadle”, and with that, the man, the myth, the legend merrily skipped his way to the semi-thrashed vehicle. Once reaching the driver’s side he leaned down to the barely visible woman who had been driving earlier. “Alright, short stack Sally, hand them over.”

With some grumbling and quiet curses, Blind Al digged out a wooden door stop and a metal rod along with a pair of... crocs? “Remind me to dip my hands in windex when I get home”, Al announced with disdain.

“Oh please, you know you love the after masturbation scent to them”, Wade coyly replied back. He walked over to the passenger side and opened - picked the lock to - the door. “Petal to the metal, Al. Let’s go!”

The car pulled out as quickly as it came in, showing all the damage the uncertified driver had made to the city. Even while assessing the damage, Peter couldn’t keep the man off his mind.

“Does he not want his liver back”, he asked himself mystified by how the walking talking crisis didn’t even notice.

—————

“Uugh”, Wade whined as he collapsed on his mysteriously stained couch. He looked over to the kitchen, disappointed to see the Blind Al didn’t have a reaction to his current crisis.

“UUUgh”, he complained slightly louder in hopes of getting her attention but still nothing.

“UUUUUuuuuuUuuuUuuuuUUUggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh”, he practically yelled.

“I’m not a dog, so why don’t you call me over instead of making some stupid ass whine”, Al said, already exhausted by the thought of the following conversation.

“You know, Al, I thought we had a real connection through that Craigslist Ad but, in all honesty, I’m feeling a little attacked right now.” Al gave a sigh of exasperation before making her way towards the overgrown child in red spandex.

“What’s wrong”, she asked, regretting the fact that his name was on the lease for their apartment.

“I can’t stop thinking about the bubble butt coroner from earlier. I left him my number but he hasn’t even texted me yet”, Wade whined looking at his heavily Hello Kitty decorated iPhone. Still nothing.

“When did you get the chance to give him your number?”

“I scratched it into my liver before I left”, Wade said casually picking at his finger nails.

“Maybe he didn’t notice.”

Wade’s persona did a complete 180, as he dropped his phone and threw off his crocs. He jumped to his suit, which was still riddled with holes and slashes from his last fight, and ran to his room. He exited an unrealistic minute later and grabbed his ammo bag.

“Don’t tell me your going to go kill him. He seemed okay”, Al said without much conviction.

“Not today, negative nelly. No, I’m going to go to him, with my unalderated feelings, raw and true, and ask him, sincerely, if he’d let me put it in his-“, Al put up a hand to stop him.

“I don’t need or want to know. Go do whatever and try not to die again. It’s getting annoying to pick you up all the time”.

“Okay, mom. I’ll hopefully return with bubble butt boy in hand or die a hero.”

—————

Peter’s feet dragged as he finally reached the enterance to his apartment. The day was wild from start to finish. And of course, Peter was blamed for losing a body. “Why do these things only happen to me”, he groaned placing the key into the lock.

Peter opened the door to his apartment and immediately went to the couch and collapsed, too tired to comprehend his surroundings. “This couch sucks”, Peter grumbled, making a mental note to invest in better furniture, after the million other things he has to pay off.

The couch laughed, shaking Peter slightly. “At least take me to dinner first”, the couch chuckled. Peter slowly came to, realizing that his couch was not talented enough to talk to him, or act so annoying if it did.

“I remember couches being a lot more quiet”, Peter said with a sly smile. He knew it wasn’t over between him and Bucky. Peter slid his arms around the man and hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry about before, I shouldn’t have gotten so upset. And I didn’t mean to ignore you either, it’s just that you’re always out with other people and I get worried.”

“Um”, the other began but Peter interrupted him. “Please let me get this out. I can barely manage to say it now”, Peter said, neck and cheeks burning. He was glad the other couldn’t see his face or else this would be even more embarrassing.

Peter took the man’s silence as a yes to his request. “I’m sorry for being so jealous and petty. I get now that you and Steve are just good friends and I’ll give you space if you need it. Just please don’t leave me”, Peter finished, giving the other a tighter hug at the end of it all.

“I love you too much to lose you”, Peter capped it all off. “I’ll prove it.”

The moment Peter was about to go down on him, Wade figured it was best to stop the kid before he did anything reckless. “Slow down there, hot shot. Didn’t you hear me earlier? Dinner first then the hanky panky. Or during dinner. Or pregame the dinner. I’m fine with either.”

“You”, was all Peter could exclaim, scrambling off the leather clad and unbelievably sexy hero mercenary.

“Me”, Wade said cheerfully, but, in reality, felt a lot of disappointment. Jokes aside, he really liked Bubble Butt boy. So much that he even broke into his apartment, like the suave heartbreaker he is. “I see that you’re kind of busy, so I guess I’ll be going now.”

Peter remained unmoving from his position in the couch, even as Wade began to get up. But just as soon as he left the couch, Peter reached out to grab Wade’s hand. “Stay... please.”

As much of a cold hearted killer that he was, Wade just couldn’t find it in him to say no to the boy sitting in front of him, trying his best not to cry. “Um, okay”, Wade said, miraculously not being annoying.

Wade sat back down, letting the other curl into his side. Peter let out shuddering breaths but refused to let out any tears. “Sooo.... exboyfriend problems?”

Peter laughed lightly. “You don’t even know the half of it.”

Wade frowned once more before putting on an award winning smile. “Well I know half of it can be resolved with some of Grandma Al’s macaroni cheese, going light on the cocaine, of course.”

“Cocaine? Damn your grandma was wild.”

“Oh she’s not my grandma. She’s my roomie. She is old, blind, and I’m pretty sure she is secretly in love with me.” Wade started digging through Peter’s pantry looking for anything pot like cooking thing to make the cheese heaven. “Grandma Wilson, on the other hand, was more of marijuana-macaroni type of gal. Oh Satan bless her soul, since she probably burning in hell with the rest of the Wilsons.”

Wade felt himself smile when he heard the other stifling laughs behind him. He was probably gonna get cursed by the bat shit crazy ghost of his long lost Grandma, but it was fine with him, if he got the bubble butt boy to laugh even for a moment. Speaking of bubble butt boy...

“Bubble Butt Boy, as much as I love alliteration, I need your real name to start working on our shipname.”

Peter blushed at the nickname, becoming a little more conscious of his butt than he was before. “I-I’m Peter. No, uh, Parker. Peter Parker. Like, together.”

“Of course you have an alliterating name, Jesus Christ, Stan, no one actually has names like this”, Wade yelled at the ceiling, confusing Peter further. When Wade faced the kid again, he gave him a toothy grin, which translated well through his mask. “‘Name’s Wade W. Wilson. Mercenary and certified love expert at your service.”

“Nice to meet you, mercenary and love expert Wade W. Wilson”, Peter said with a cheeky smile.

“Emphasis on the love expert. Now who’s the boy toy?”

Peter gave a sad sigh as he stood up from his spot on the couch. He glided over to Wade and gave him a small tap on the shoulder to get his attention. “The Kraft Mac and Cheese box is over here. Unfortunately, I’m fresh out of cocaine”.

There was a small pause before the younger continued. “And he wasn’t really my boy toy, but I was his.”

Wade had to bite his lips to stop himself from making a sarcastic comment and just listen. “His name is Bucky and he’s actually a really nice guy. It was kind of my fault we broke up. I mean, he was always really lax and let me do what I wanted, but I felt like he didn’t really care what I did. And when I started getting worried about him or jealous over the amount of time he was hanging out with his friends, he would always get mad.“

“I- at one point I thought he was cheating on me so I followed him out. Before he even got past a block I was caught by him and he hadn’t talk to me or even seen me since.” Peter was crying now, regretting who’s he acted and how jealous he was of Bucky’s and Steve’s relationship. “I j-just want t-to say I’m s-sorry”, he barely pushed the words through his lips before his crying took over him.

Wade walked over, Macaroni made in a nice Adventure time themed cup (which he totally wanted to steal) and led the crying boy back to the couch. “Don’t you worry your little bubble butt over him, Parker. He doesn’t deserve you affection and you don’t deserve all the stuff he put you through. And that’s my verdict.”

“But-“

“Sorry, baby boy, but it can’t be changed. Love expert, remember?” Peter laughed and rolled his eyes, which were still a little red, but mostly tear-less.

“You know, I don’t think I have ever met a love expert that was so modest”, Peter said gesturing to the Wade’s apparel. I don’t think I even got a chance to see your face...”, Peter trailed off, raising his hand toward the mask.

Just as his hand slipped under it a bit - allowing him to feel the damaged skin - Wade jerked back so much he fell off the couch. “I know I’ve made you dinner, but, Peter, you have to be delicate with me”, Wade said jokingly, but his heart was pounding and he was sweating under all the leather.

“I have to protect my innocence”, Wade said continuing with the joke, but eventually stood up from the ground and grabbed a blanket over on the other side of the room. He came back to Peter and put the blanket on him but made no move to sit back down. “I’ll check in on you later, Parker. So don’t do anything stupid”, Wade lectured and just like that he hopped out Peter’s window.

Deadpool drawing within a drawing......God my head hurts=_=