#deadgame

I’m participating in @sinnykitt ‘s GORETOBER 2023

"If history is dead and gone

Ya know how the medical professionals are always warning you about the potential progression of elevation on the Schizo spectrum? That’s me. At first I was diagnosed with. Schizotypal Personality Disorder. During this period, I was more narcissistic, absorbed into patterns, strangely dressed, and a sort of chill/manic. I wanted answers to why, I coined everything as a religious or spiritual experience, as I continued to abuse drugs and escalate the situation, not knowing how dangerous any of it actually was to my sanity.

Somewhere along the way, life stopped being fun. The things that were suppressing the rage and anxiety, started turning into the things that induced it. All those pleasant and mysterious thoughts, started turning into a plague of ideas, and a dark mystery that didn’t have a quantifiable scale. There was no pattern, it’s just a bunch of shit that doesn’t make sense, attempting to get me to make sense of it. An impossibility. The Schizophrenic stage is when I was introduced to “looping” or continuous unavoidable thoughts with no solution. Cognitive Dissonance was also on full display, I’m guessing, because I overloaded my sensory with so much feedback to interpret, my brain just got tired and decided to space out to get a much needed break while my body still moves. (For those who aren’t aware, the best way I can describe cognitive dissonance, is your consciousness being ripped from your body, but still hanging on. You watch yourself perform outside yourself, but the emotions are with your consciousness, not your body. It’s an empty hopeless feeling of no control).

And then there is where I am now Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder. The other two were manageable in their own way; but this one…this one feels hopeless. Because not only am I fighting my ingrained nature as a person, now I’m fighting the nurture factor as well. All of my collective experiences over 30 years express how things should be, yet I’m in conflict with what it actually is. I have no dictation of mood at all. None of it flows with any efficiency or tactile understanding. It’s like being shaken up in a can and given a random outcome based on a dye roll.

One day I’m dealing with Psychosis, but I’m excited and happy! The next it’s depression, and I’m tired and nihilistic. Then jovial and angry. Then anxious and scared. Then jovial and scared. Then delusional and angry, etc etc. I don’t know what emotions or psychotic effects I’ll get at all…so I become cathartic and settle on hopeless. I try to build bridges to connect with people, and before I complete it, I completely forgot I have a hammer and nails, and the bridge is now half built, and no one can cross it without jumping and dying in the moat below. I wish just one person understood how I felt. My brain is a cage and I’m alone with my thoughts. Somewhere the real identifiable me is crying in a corner wishing they didn’t have to sustain this existence. My eyes hurt. My thoughts hurt. But this is where my greatness will come from.

Nonetheless, my nurture makes me the “violent” type of psychotic that everyone thinks shouldn’t exist. I don’t belong here, but here I am.

Dead Game

I’ve been busy with FF14 commissions and depression to work too terribly much on You’re Live!! but I like to revisit it every now and again and make notes as they happen.