#deadbeatdaddy

Initially, I hadn't intended to spend so much time talking about paternity and fatherhood among black men. However, after discovering the video posted below on fatherless children and after posting my own story, I realized that this issue is so much bigger than race, relationships, child support and whether or not either party is ready to become a parent. In my last post, I asked several questions which seem to be connected to the core of this issue. Now, while I am only an aspiring psychiatrist *crosses fingers*, I will attempt to give an unbiased and honest answer to each question and hopefully I can inspire someone :)

The first question I will attempt to answer is arguably the most important one: why are so many [black] men opting out of the responsibilities of fatherhood? Last week sometime, I was having a very interesting conversation with one of my twitter followers (a black male) on the issue of single mothers his response to one of my questions shocked me. I had jokingly asked him if he would ever be a ‘deadbeat daddy’. Knowing his background story of having lost his father so early in life to an illness,  I had expected him to say something like “I would never neglect my kids” or “I don’t want them to struggle like I did” or any variation of the ‘I want better for my kids’ cliches that I mentioned in my previous “Fatherhood” post. However, in a very cavalier and matter-of-fact tone, he simply squinted his eyes and said “it depends, you know?”. I didn't know. In fact. I was disappointed and my face showed it.Sensing my disapproval he attempted to make light of the now awkward conversation by saying: “I’d only be a deadbeat if my baby mama was someone really annoying…  like the kind of girl who would stalk me an’ shit. I’m not into that. Or if she looked like homegirl over there (pointing to an overweight woman and laughing). I mean, someone you just wasn't supposed to sleep with or wouldn't want people to know you slept with”. He was serious, though he laughed as he recalled his words. I laughed too, more out of discomfort than anything else. Maybe I shouldn't have laughed at all now that I think about it. It’s sad that a 25 year old man could have such a shallow outlook on the future of his child and the role he would potentially play in shaping it, But this is the reality that we are faced with. Some men choose to neglect their children for very selfish and superficial reasons like the mother’s physical appearance or perhaps she is from a family or neighborhood that his family may not approve of or vice versa. Some men just are not “ready” to be fathers and others are just plain bums. Ultimately, I believe that the majority of black men who become absentee fathers are simply not willing to devote the time, effort and money required to raise a child because they are not ready to start a family and leave childish antics behind. These men are perhaps still children themselves in many ways and are still holding onto the idea of being “young, wild and free”, therefore viewing fatherhood as a burden that will consume 18yrs of their lives and with it, their youth.

In The Bahamas, the single-parent family (particularly female-headed households) are arguably the most common family structure. This could be due to a variety of factors. Perhaps the child's father is deceased or imprisoned. Maybe the mother chose to raise the child on her own or was a victim of rape. Perhaps the parents of the child were teenagers and the child wound up being raised by his/her maternal grandparents. Whatever the reasons, paternity and fatherhood are issues that are the center of stereotypes, emotional distress and financial concerns for many families in The Bahamas and worldwide. 

Forgive me, as I play the devil's advocate but I do not believe that black men wake up and aspire to be absentee fathers or inflict emotional trauma on their children and their children's mothers. At least I don't. Whenever I think of myself as father of two, maybe three children, I always choke back shameless clichés like "I want better for my children than what I had" or "I wanna be there for my kids because my daddy wasn't there for me". Now, those statements, chliché as they may be, are very much valid and true for myself and many other young black men. So if absenteeism as a father isn't a planned venture, what is it then? Is there a seminar that is held late at night in a remote location that teaches men to be negligent? Or is there a not so secret society of "deadbeat daddies" that go door to door like Jehovah's Witnesses and share the good news of 'obligation-free fatherhood' without the stress and masturbation of a sperm bank? I doubt there are either though I am open to correction (submit your replies to the What's biting you question/answer box to the right of my blog). So if there is neither a conspiracy theory nor a mass conversion initiative, why are so many men opting out of the responsibilities of fatherhood and more importantly , why are there so many 'fatherless' children? What ever happened to being there for your kids because it's your responsibility as a man and the 'right' thing to do? And what about those men that grew up with both of their parents in their lives but yet, they themselves become "deadbeat daddies". What do we then conclude? Is absentee fatherhood just an unfortunate social occurrence or is it a last-minute reaction of a scared boy/man to the thought of fatherhood (assuming that 9 months isn't enough thinking time)? And finally, what is it about black men that males us the social scapegoats and the poster children for absentee fatherhood?