#dddf

@xhelenaxleblancx​ | Rachel -- DESPERATELY trying to make sense of the HOLE Helena left in her CHEST.

                                        ----------------------

Everybody wants a REASON FOR EVERYTHING It's so much easier with SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO BLAME I've always struggled at the ROOT OF THE PROBLEM Has it been ABSENCE or my constant LACK OF DEFENSE?

I've never spent a lot on FINDING A REMEDY I guess I figured that it HURT FOR A REASON I guess that's why I've always turned to WRITING IT DOWN Not just in STORIES but -- the LETTERS IN-BETWEEN And I guess that's why it haunts the PAGES OF EVERYTHING

(...TO SELF-EXAMINE...)

I think the thing is that I SHUT OFF FROM EVERYTHING From friends and family and MY OWN AMBITIONS From having FUN -- I just SHUT OFF FROM EVERYTHING Self-defeating? Yeah, PROBABLY--

But I don't know that I had TOTAL CONTROL OVER IT And I'm not sure it EVEN MATTERS WHY Sometimes things happen and you CAN’T DO ANYTHING Plus, I'm the ONLY ONE who DEALS WITH IT ANYWAY So if everyone could DO ME A FAVOR, and just-- Put their FINGERS DOWN, I-- And KEEP YOUR MOUTHS--

Sorry, I know I seem ANGRY -- I'M NOT!! I, I promise, I just know I DID THIS TO ME And I will deal with it ACCORDINGLY And I don't need opinions from those NEVER A PART OF IT Don't need them pointing out my problems -- THEY’RE MINE Don't need reminders -- I KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE

And yeah, I know, I should be FINDING ANOTHER WAY I know that I should be out SEEKING A SUBSTITUTE But just forgetting NEVER REALLY MADE SENSE TO ME...

(...SO I HAVEN’T BEEN...)

Do I feel EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT? I think you know the ANSWER TO THAT I think you'd probably feel a LITTLE BIT EMBARRASSED FOR ME? WOULDN’T YOU?

I KNOW -- I should've moved on AGES AGO, BEEN HAPPY ALREADY, but It's never been that EASY FOR ME Or maybe it was ME that made it SO HARD I know I've only ever tried a HANDFUL OF TIMES To SEVER this thing TORTURING ME, It never got me ANYWHERE -- WITH ANYONE No FRIENDSHIP or HOBBY -- no LOVER’S BED worked But looking back I maybe NEVER TRIED HARD ENOUGH

(...AND IT IS MY FAULT...)