#dddaily

Last night I had a dream. It was the first time I dreamed of you in a long long time. And it was so real and so vivid that I woke up thinking it was real. It was tactile, I could feel your skin. I can’t remember where we were as it fades but you came to me and climbed in the chair with me. But your words didn’t match your actions. When I asked if you ever missed me you just shook your head no. The same for the “Did you ever love me” question. But even as you were ripping my heart out of my chest once again, you were cuddling me, holding me and finding refuge in my arms. We went to bed and when we started making love I couldn’t and you just made a comment about being uncomfortable in your position. It was indifference. The indifference I have desperately looked for for 3 years. The way I would love to be about you. Indifferent. And I wonder if it will ever come.

I’m getting a divorce. I wasn’t ready but it’s time. And much sooner than I told you it would happen. Once again the things I told you have and will happen. Promises kept.

I’m glad all those times I wanted to end it for your benefit that I didn’t. I’m glad for every second. Even when I knew you were lying about what you wanted. It left you the opportunity to be the shitty person you wanted to be. To play the consummate victim. And to have excuses to justify so many broken promises.

It still makes me laugh that you say now “why did I stay” when then you were saying “if you leave I’ll destroy you”. I wonder if your nightmares and your anxiety is just a result of constantly lying to yourself? Doesn’t really matter in my world I guess.

My life will begin new again. Doesn’t change how I feel but you have guaranteed that I’ll never fully trust another human again. You did that all on your own. I hope you’re proud of yourself. I hope you’re happy.

It isn’t enough for you that every day is torture. It isn’t enough to know you broke me into a million pieces. It’s not enough that you guaranteed your wedding and anniversaries will cut me the deepest that time of year. It’s never enough for you.

You know what music does to me. You know exactly how to hurt. You’ve convinced yourself that somehow I was the bad guy for falling hopelessly in love with you. For letting my guard down one last time for a kid with stars in her eyes.

Fuck you. You can make believe I hurt you. You can make believe you’re justified. And you can pretend you love him the same or more. The truth haunts you. It keeps you awake at night. It pulls you down even after all this time. You can run all your life and I’ll be right there. Isn’t it exhausting?

Reflection

A million miles on the road leads to a lot of self reflection. And replaying things. And reliving what I might say.

The truth is I left a soul mate and almost left my family for someone that didn’t exist. For someone that swore for 6 years that she wouldn’t do exactly what you did. You saved me from making worse mistakes than you.

And I don’t know you now. You’re marrying a meathead Trumper pig. You’re marrying your father. So cliche. He’s everything you swore you were so against. But we both know about your promises. Had I known you only wanted material things I might have spent every dime. Once again, thank you.

I don’t regret how I loved you. It was with everything I had. All my heart. You had it all. The universe is working to correct that mistake. But the wheels move slow when you’ve given away so much of yourself. And long after you’ve given him what should’ve been mine and taken his name, I’ll still be here keeping my promises to us. Not just you.

You creep closer every day to the hard stuff. The most difficult part of life. When nerves fray and the sweet gestures are gone. When life takes way more than it gives. And in those moments you’ll see. You’ll know how hard I worked to see you, invest in you, and make you part of my world. And I’ll be long gone.

We get one chance in our lives to make magic with a person. And it’s so rare even then. And we had it. The real stuff. And you’ll chase that feeling for the rest of your life.

I tried. I really did. And for a little while you were everything I ever dreamed of and more. And I would’ve never let go if it had been up to me.

It’s funny, I just realized that the days I’ve been counting aren’t accurate. I’ve always said 611 days since I lost you. But we both know that isn’t true. You opened your heart to someone long before the day I knew. True be told I’m glad you’re marrying him. That you didn’t just cheat on me, break my heart and break every promise for just a hookup. I’m also glad that you’re about to know how fucking tough all this life stuff is and what I sacrificed for my moments with you. Nothing has changed for me. I’ll be right where I said I’d be in a few more years. And it won’t be with you. And fuck you for that. How do you ruin perfect? How do you destroy something so beautiful?

I’m also glad I don’t know if you’ve ever missed me or still have a single feeling for me. It’s easier to answer myself. It’s easier for me. You don’t deserve me.