the quest for our co-captain
So here’s your DD4 post-dinner update. Because we went to a very warm, very cozy dinner last night.Â
Let me first say that through dinner I couldn’t feel it. I swooned. I smiled. I craved a hand across the table. But I could feel that he wasn’t where it ends. Or even ends for now. There were a few moments during dinner last night where I reflected back on our first two dates. They were magic, they really were. I remember a moment at the bar on first date where we shared a common detail, he gave me this enormous grin, and looked at the ceiling and shouted, “I want to know more!” Or that moment on our second date where we hopped into the light structure in the artist loft, proclaiming it a time machine, and shut our eyes together with our faces inches from each other. Fun things like that are still happening, but they just don’t feel the same. Things feel less light. Less generous. Less adventurous. Not to say that things don’t shift the more time you spend with someone. But it’s almost like I can see a darker cloud where before there was nothing but light.Â
So dinner. We spend most of dinner just chatting. Nothing too serious. But sort of talking about life, Thanksgiving, future plans. I waited until closer to the end of the meal to bring up a redo of Friday’s conversation because 1) I didn’t think it was going to be too long, 2) I didn’t want to put a weird tone on the evening if it didn’t go well, and 3) I knew that we could switch venues or stay for another drink if we want to continue it. It was a good decision. I said, “I think we should continue our conversation from Friday because it was confusing.”Â
He said, “What was confusing about it.”Â
I told him it was still unclear to me what he wanted. And he asked me what I wanted. Which, looking back, seems stupid because he had a clear answer for himself. I told him that I enjoy spending time with him, it feels good to be around him, and I’d like to get to know him better. He echoed the same things. Said I was “really great” and that I “have a lot of opinions he likes”. And then explained what I think was a general lack of interest in a relationship. Now, I’m perfectly comfortable assuming this is some sort of line. Or something. I still find the last two weeks of this thing confusing. The request to see me more, the weird times spent on couches, the Getting Naked together last weekend. He said he’s been trying to figure some things out in the last few weeks - what he wants out of life (does he want to get married? to have kids?), work (does he want to stay at his job? sell his company?), and various other things (does he believe in god?).Â
But. While he’s telling me this, I started to feel some old twinges. And then some things about myself.Â
He’s been talking about his work a lot lately. And I get that this is a thing a lot of adults talk about because it consumes us in a lot of ways. But I definitely don’t care that much, if I’m being honest. A, you and I are two people who really love our work, but I think when we talk about it, it’s much more in the abstract sense. It’s about things we care about: social issues, research findings, etc. Not the logistics of being researchers or the day-to-day grind of it all. If I’m talking with someone about their work, I want to talk about their passions and disappointments in all of it. Not the gritty details. Or at least, I don’t want that to be the major focus of their conversations. But also, in general, I don't want to talk so much about someone’s job.Â
But he’s also started to feel a little aimless to me. It’s fine to be confused in life. I am definitely at a place of restructuring and figuring out what this new life looks like for me. But I think I know the general direction into which I’m walking. But his feels like an aimlessness akin to OH’s. Not quite so all-encompassing, but similar. My brain has been harping and harping on his use of the word “restless” last week. And I thought a lot about what that means to me. Right now it means something different than it would have a year ago. Because right now I have a desire to steady myself a bit more than I have before, because I know I need a different and better foundation on which to move forward. Whereas before it was a constant poking and prodding of the foundation I had built, and was building, with OH. Almost like removing the blocks from a Jenga tower. Can we pull this one out? Nudge it a little? Without the whole thing falling over?Â
DD4 can have a lot of fun. I know I reflected here on his joy a lot. And that was such a great alternative to OH, who was always so full of sturm and drang (yeah, I’m using that). And he talked a bit about how he’s the person his married friends call when they need someone to hang out with, because he’s fun and free. And I recognize that in myself now. And it’s a great place to be. It’s a place that gets you invited out for impromptu lunches, concerts, trips, whatever. I’ve had such great experiences in the last few months since becoming that person in my own social circle. But I also know, for me, that’s not enough for a life. I don’t want to just be an accessory to other people’s lives. And also: I love creating adventure. I don’t like to just wait for it to find me. And when I think about what I know of DD4′s social life, he seems often like an accessory for other people. Myself included. I think, perhaps, he has become accustomed to being this person for other people. I don’t think he has honed the ability to be the one creating surprises and adventures. And that is a thing I want. A few weeks ago Tall Boo and I had dinner and he was reminding me that I get to expect a partner to create events for me, as well, when I was spending much cognitive energy attempting to plan a great date. And yes, I know this. But sometimes I also think I am a great arranger, but not a great in-the-moment-er. And I thought this was perhaps a great way DD4 and I complimented each other. But now I’m a little like, “But what are your ideas? Where are the places you’re looking for amazing things?” If you value restlessness, DD4, what are you doing to challenge complacency? Take charge, my friend! Be hungry!
Here is also what I’m thinking about myself: I know I still have a lot to learn about this new version of life. So I will tentatively put this out there, with the understanding that I will maybe/probably change my mind as I make my way further into this world. I think I just work so much better with a co-captain. My parents raised me to be on a team. My parents are the best team I know. And as children we spent much of our free time working together on the farm, dad teaching me how to change the brakes in my car, building a dock for the lake, pruning trees, sanding, sawing, whatever. And my dad is one of the best, most patient teachers I’ve ever met.Â
During dinner I told DD4 the above, after he asked what I had planned for a visit from my parents this weekend. And he sort of responded with, “That’s great. We never did anything like that in my family”. In your last post, A, you mentioned that DD4 hadn’t done a lot to make cognitive space for me. And something about this conversation was representative of that. These are the things about which I would have so many questions for a partner. This is what makes a person interesting and are the foundational things that shape a person.Â
It might seem counterintuitive right now to believe that I might work better with another person, but I just think that’s the truth. I enjoy putting energy into other people. And I am having a difficult time these days figuring out where to direct it. I have been cooking a lot for friends. Making bread for the professor I teach with when she has a difficult week. Spending all day making broth for a sick friend. Snapping pictures of construction equipment for friends’ kids. Watching people’s kids so they can go out. Life feels richer to me with another person. Fuck, even in the last week of my marriage, roaming around Paris with an always-drunk partner I had many moments of, “I’m so glad we’re here together”. And I can look back and still see the honesty in that.
You and I have been getting weirdly into astrology lately. It’s nice to have thoughtful things to interpret and reflect on. And a line in this week’s has felt important to me: Find ways to hold your energy until the right moment. When the container is solid and ready, pour yourself in.
At the end of our recap conversation I asked where we go from here. And it sounds like he’s into continuing to hang out. Though, I’m assuming, probably not as much as we have been. I also assume these hangouts will continue to be largely curated by yours truly. If we place DD4 into the friend category I’m O.K. with this. If he’s my friend, and not a boyfriend, I’m O.K. ringing him up whenever I need a pal for a movie, an art show, trivia, etc. And I do believe we honestly enjoy doing these things with each other. Last night I texted my west coast BFF (we need a good code name for her, she shares the same initial) and gave her the update. She asked if I was O.K. being friends with DD4. And yes, I totally am. I did not fall in love with this dude. Or rather, what ringing sensation I had in my chest initially I can feel has faded. He is not the person who will run across streets holding hands with me. Yes, I will probably continue giggling like an adolescent when I’m with him. And he’ll be able to make me smile in a way that only a totally charming and handsome dude can. But there’s not enough underneath for me to dig in.Â
Oh! Yes. Digging in.Â
I’m sorry, this is getting long and very scattered.
I didn’t sleep well last night. My brain was working a lot, thinking on all of this. I kept having this visual while I was coming in and out of sleep. In a similar way that I was thinking a lot about restlessness/complacency over the last week, my brain kept thinking about the words “Digging in”. And I kept picturing, bear with me, two people trying to eat a massive cake together. Like, the kind that is multi-tiered and very wide. But rather than using forks, it was fistfuls. I don’t want to eat my cake alone, A. We all have our own big questions we’re trying to figure out. And I stewed over walking up to this cake and thinking, “Well shit. I don’t know how I can eat this whole thing”. And if you sat alone and ate the giant cake it would be weird, right? You’d just be a person trying to eat a giant cake. But in my mind, with my imagining of Team S co-captain status, it’s two people encountering the cake, laughing hysterically together and saying, “Well, there’s nothing to do but try!” and digging in with bare hands. Eating until we’re sick. Pausing to talk about the absurdity and re-strategizing. And afterward telling people, “Did we ever tell you about that time we ate the giant cake?!”
There’s a lot of people helping me take bites of the cake right now. And that’s so awesome. And I’m so lucky. Last night when I was texting with West Coast BFF (Let’s just go ahead and call her WCBFF) she asked if I wanted to take a break from dating. I told her no, that this made me realize that I want a buddy, in some capacity. And she said, “Well then we are doing this thing over then!” And that “we” was so clutch. It was such a gift and a blessing. We will all work on this cake together right now. Because there will be more in the future to be eaten.
And then, to be honest, I am glad that it doesn’t seem DD4 has to go anywhere. I am perfectly comfortable texting him in a few weeks whenever I want a good meal and a laugh. And I am perfectly comfortable Doing the Grown Folk (as a former colleague called it) sometimes, if he’s up for it. I’m a grown-ass lady, after all.Â
