I've read so many post-confession Payneland Fics, and while I love seeing all the different interpretations of Edwin's feelings and how he copes with them, I do think fans tend to oversimplify those feelings. People often characterize Edwin as being a martyr to his romantic feelings for Charles. Meaning, he is happy to stand beside Charles for the rest of eternity never knowing reciprocated romantic love, either from Charles or from anyone else. While I do think Edwin is the type to intellectualize himself out of feeling his emotions, this martyrdom is always framed as being a good, noble and deeply romantic choice on Edwins's part. Which feels like a disservice to Edwins's development and a misunderstanding of Edwins confession.
Because Edwins confession isn't just about Charles. It isn't even just about "coming out" and being accepted for it. It's about understanding that it's okay to desire things. That wanting to belong and to feel desired is not inherently dangerous or foolish or all of the things Edwins told himself about his own emotions in the past.
Edwin has discovered parts of himself that can't simply be put back in a box, and I don't think those desires end with Charles. I believe that Edwin understands himself to be lonely and will eventually want to experience mutual desire. Mostly, I believe he'll want to come into his own as a queer man and have the experiences he was denied when he was alive.
The confession scene is liberating and joyous. His feelings for Charles symbolize a reclamation of the parts of himself that he had to give up to survive hell. So no, I don't see Edwins (supposedly) unrequited feelings as a tragedy, but they aren't neat and simple and completely unselfish either. For the first time since he escaped hell, Edwin has desires that can't be fulfilled through reading or logic or by simply existing beside Charels for the rest of time, and the process of navigating all these new desires will be messy, and joyous, and yeah, a little bit sad, because it hurts to finally know what you want and realize that itâs out of your reach.Â
