#dazai ff

of course, you understood how hard it must be for him to love you without any hesitation or fear. hed lived a dangerous life, a life where hed lost everyone hed ever loved. it was only natural that that fear carried over to you, causing him to question sometimes whether or not he should risk the heartbreak should anything happen to you.

and even still, through all of it, you loved him unconditionally. because you knew deep down, he loved you too. he just wouldnt ever be able to stand losing you.

today was one of those days. distant days. days where dazai ignored you and almost didnt exist. usually, youd be able to do your own work and carry on until hed come up to you and wrap you so close to his body and apologize.

but today was different. you were struggling. youd been on a case with ranpo and itd be the most horrific thing youd ever witnessed. a brutal murder of an innocent teenage girl by the one she trusted most: her best friend, her partner in crime, her boyfriend. foul play was suspected by the police force but only confirmed once ranpo and you had arrived on the scene. though he was charged guilty but also given a lenient sentence due to a third party, it all still made you so sick to your stomach that you couldnt even eat that night.

you needed dazai. you needed to hold him. you needed to be near him. most of all, you needed reassurance that he would never do anything to hurt you. that he loved you.

but, unfortunately, you wouldnt be getting that. any of it.

“osamu—“ you stumbled into your bedroom, holding your stomach. the images of the day flashed in your head and you clapped a hand over your mouth.

your eyes scanned the room for dazai but found no trace of him. frowning, you made your way to the bathroom and bent over the toilet, praying you wouldnt throw up. you couldnt. thatd gross you out and youd never stop throwing up.

a thud from the main room caused you to finally release the toilet and stand. you found dazai laid back on the couch, headphones over his ears and his eyes closed.

relief flooded your body and you made your way over to him, wrapping your arms around his neck and crying into his shoulder. beneath you he was tense and stiff, unsure what to do.

so rarely did he ever see you in such a state that he didnt know what to think of it. in fact, he was scared out of his mind. scared that the reason as to why you were so broken down was maybe because of him.

had he done something? had he said something? had he hurt you?

panic surged through him and he jolted away from you, much to your surprise. your eyes searched his face as he pushed his headphones down.

neither of you spoke a single word.

he was terrified. he wanted out.

you were heartbroken. you wanted him.

dazai shifted down the couch, and bent over his knees, staring at the floor. you could no longer see his face and perhaps that was a good thing. because the expression on his face was one of disgust, panic, and anger. disgust at himself. panic at you. and anger at whatever had made you cry.

by then youd begun to realize that it was one of those days. that it had been your mistake to reach for him like that when he was so obviously lost in his own little world. you sobbed even more and hugged your knees to your chest.

you couldnt even muster an “im sorry” though you had no reason to be apologizing to him. dazai watched as you stifled your cries and his heartbroke at the sight.

he got up and sunk down next to you, engulfing you in his body and holding you close to your chest.

“im sorry. ill do better.”

and it was those words that made you realize that he would never dare hurt you. never on purpose. because he loved you to the point where if he hurt you, hed hate himself for the rest of his life.