#daysixtyfour

It’s been 24 hours of whirling emotions.

Last night, I found out about Choi Jinri’s [aka Sulli from f(x)] apparent suicide while Facebookstalking X yet again.

I haven’t been as into Kpop ever since Jessica Jung got kicked out of Girls Generation and Kim Jonghyun from Shinee committed suicide two years ago. And now this with Sulli.

As strange as it sounds, I felt shocked and devastated by Sulli’s death. I didn’t follow her career much after she left f(x) and pursued acting, but I thought she was immensely talented and gorgeous to boot.

She was only 25 years old.

She had the whole world at her feet and now she’s just...gone.

I’ve been a jerk with all things related to suicide lately, especially with telling people and things to kill themselves whenever I’ve gotten angry or frustrated.

I’m such a fucking jerk and I know better.

My best friend committed suicide when I was 15 years old and it changed my life forever. And to think that I was so callous about suicide, even for a second, is sickening.

This is what breaking up with X has done to me. It’s making me angry and callous constantly with things that I should treat with care.

I don’t like the person I become when I get angry.

And I also don’t like the fact that another young celebrity has died because people around her missed the signs that she was unhappy and crying out for help.

It’s all so sad and senseless. I know we all have to die one day, but suicide is just so...diminishing.

God, that was morbid.

Sulli’s death prompted me to talk to my fifth and sixth graders about reaching out to people around them whenever they’re feeling sad or stressed out. I don’t know if they fully understood or took it seriously, but it’s alright. I’m glad I said my piece.

It’s the responsible thing to do as a teacher, right?

C was off work again because she hasn’t fully recovered from her stomach bug yet, so I combined our third and fourth grade classes. It was hectic to say the least and I spent way too much money on drinks and snacks for my students after their big test was done. But I survived it somehow.

I’m definitely not going to splurge on my students again after this though. I had to deal with one too many students misbehaving; begging me for more candy after I already gave them candy; demanding to treated equally with me giving them my ice tea when they already had bottled water to drink; not cleaning up the classroom after eating my candy.

I do not get paid enough to deal with this crap.

So from now on, my students can still enjoy their free periods occasionally in class, but no more snack parties. They’re too ungrateful with the little and the most that they receive.

After an exhausting day at work, I left at 16:30 and went to C’s to drop off her packages that came to our office. I ended up staying at her place for nearly two hours, laughing up a storm and relaxing together.

It felt nice to just take a load off.

Then I went home and ate dinner while watching ‘Big Little Lies’. My new wallet arrived and I started transferring cards, cash and coins over to it. It felt weird and depressing because my old wallet was one that X picked out for me during my first trip in her hometown. I didn’t realise how attached I’d grown to a thing like a wallet.

But it’s old and falling apart, so it makes sense to get a new wallet. I need to start purging my life of every bad thing that X’s memories are attached to, and that includes my old wallet.

It still hurts though.

I keep wondering when it’s going to stop hurting me to pull away from X.

This is going to get easier, right?

Sometimes, I have my doubts.

There I go again. I stop feeling angry about things and then I just feel sad all over again.

Thank God I finally got in touch with my therapist back home. We’re gonna have an online this Friday, it’s long overdue. I need some strategies for working through my sadness and anger so I can keep it together at work.

Shit, I’m exhausted. That’s probably why my emotions are all over the place. If only I could stop feeling so stressed and just get enough rest, I think I’d feel better about things.

I need to shut my brain off for a while so that my emotions don’t feel as raw.

Then again, this pain in my chest is the only tangible thing I have right now. It’s the only thing that lets me know that I’m still capable of feeling things deeply, that I’m not just some mindless machine.

As weird as it sounds, this pain is what’s keeping me alive. It gives me motivation to keep going and to keep marching forward on a ragged path towards happiness.

If not for this pain, I probably would’ve given up and been dead a long time ago.

If anyone is reading this blog tonight and feeling the way I do, then I’ll just say this in closing: you’re not alone. Love and acceptance are just around the corner. Grab hold of it and never let go.

You only get one life. It’s hard and fraught with obstacles, but it’s precious and fleeting.

The faith that you lost once before will come back to you.