So, today’s blog is going to go a little differently...

I had an online session with my therapist straight after work. 

A lot of things were revealed to me and I cried a lot as I came to certain realisations about X and our relationship. But at the end of it, my therapist urged me to write a letter expressing love to myself, that I’d like to put here for all of you to read with me. 

Here goes...

A Letter to a more Jaded, Present You.

Tuesday Evening

29th October 2019

Dear Lindsay,

Your eyes are puffy, your throat is scratchy and your nose is blocked. 

You've been crying over X again. 

Granted, you only cried over her because LY, your therapist, got you talking about your failed relationship and acknowledging certain truths you've been trying to avoid. 

The truth is, it's ok to feel sad. 

You loved X and you wanted to make cute half South African and half Filipino babies with her.

  But, Linz, you have to face facts now. X stopped loving you. Chances are, she never loved you to begin with. If she had loved you, she would never have told you she had cancer just to get money out of you. 

Lindsay, you deserve better than someone who's just an empty vessel: soulless and unfeeling. 

Underneath all your bluster and feigned cynicism, you have a good heart. You love people without inhibitions for better or for worse. You wear your heart on your sleeve because you want to believe that people are inherently good. Don't stop believing in people; sometimes, they'll prove you right. 

People have told you this countless times, but it's true. You don't look your age. You look younger than 34! That's because you don't take drugs, you've never done cosmetic surgery and you don't abuse the sauce...too much. Girl, you look good! Just adorable like a chipmunk. This is proof that you're aging well. But seriously, watch that booze intake though, if not just for the sake of your malfunctioning esophagus. 

You're a real woman in the sense that you don't feel the need to plaster your face with makeup or skincare products. You take full ownership of every wrinkle, pimple and a hairy upper lip. People don't just think you're beautiful when you dress yourself up. You're beautiful as you are, and that's enough. 

Some people might disagree, but you're funny. Sure, you still struggle to let other people laugh at you, but you're getting there slowly. You know how to be self-deprecating and not take life too seriously. You know how to brighten people's days with one of your well-timed (or ill-timed) jokes. Don't stop seeing the funny side of things - it'll keep you younger the more you smile and laugh.  

You're honest, Linz. Sometimes, you do lie and keep things to yourself. But you never lie about who you are, flaws and all. Keep showing your true self to others. There will always be people who will accept you as you are. And if they don't, then they're not worth knowing. 

You're not stingy with giving out compliments. Sometimes, I think you're some kind of vending machine with how you keep spitting out these compliments. You never tire of making people feel good about themselves. Keep lifting people up whenever you can - whether it's a kind word, a smile or just an acknowledgement. Letting people know that you see them and that you care should never be devalued. 

I'm sure you're feeling pretty chuffed with yourself right now. Good! Lindsay, you're a fucking catch! One day, you're going to make some man or woman get down on their knees and thank every celestial being that they finally found you. You're very romantic and creative, of course you'll find love again. 

So forget about X and her broke ass and live a little. Do things just for you and smile more. You're single and you have the whole world at your feet. 

Ok, I have to go now. But I'll be back again when you're dumb enough to stop believing in yourself and forget to love yourself.  You were born to love and to be loved. You are too special and amazing to ever believe otherwise. So keep using that heart of yours for good things and good people. 

God's not done with you yet, so keep showing up, ok? Even if no one else ever loves you (which is impossible, by the way), I still love and cherish you very much. You're gonna get over X and move on soon. 

You're gonna be just fine. 

All my love (and jokes),

Lindsay, 15 minutes later. 

xoxoxo