#dayseventyfive

I felt blue all day.

It might’ve begun with my internal clock waking me up at 06:30.

On. A. Saturday.

I lazed in bed for a good three hours after that watching ‘Thirst Tweets’ videos on YouTube, my new guilty pleasure. I made a decent breakfast and watched more TV.

Then I went into work to look for Halloween candy bag templates to have my students make on Monday. I spent two hours at work just looking for templates, making spooky design stencils for my students to trace on their bags and spent a little time cutting the pages.

I cancelled all my social plans with friends and just had a ‘me’ day instead afterwards. Besides Marvel and DC Comics films, China does get some other action movies and weirdly enough, Fifty Shades. So I went to watch ‘Gemini Man’ by myself. Seeing a younger version of Will Smith got me reminiscing about ‘The Fresh Prince of Belair’ weirdly enough.

Watching Will Smith’s emotive performance got me brooding by the end of the film and I just felt blue about X all over again.

Or maybe I had been blue about her all day long without realizing.

I got a sudden impulse to cycle home, which helped lift my mood a bit. Then I finally stopped procrastinating about sending my teaching resume to an international school here in my city. I’m not wholly convinced that my cover letter was believable, but I made it and sent it off to the head of HR that C put me in touch with, so I’ll let the chips fall where they may.

That put me in better spirits and I made dinner afterwards. But I took my Halloween work home and cutting all those papers made me feel tired and frustrated all over again.

Of all of ML’s dipshit ideas, this has to take the bloody cake: decorating parts of the school just so the students can stand around and pose all day long on Halloween. What’s next: a ticker tape parade in the school hallways for Christmas??? I cut up half of the pages this evening, I’ll do the rest tomorrow.

This day turned out to be busier than expected; even though I spent it alone. I wish I could put these thoughts of X out of my head. I vaguely remember a dream I had of her last night where I had my grey backpack and she had the black backpack I got her for her birthday. I think she was trying to remind me that I bought it for her and that she had my old grey backpack too, the one I gave her before we said our goodbyes in Manila.

As if I could forget all the things I gave X and all the things she took from me in turn.

My love, my trust, my money, my dignity.

And now X is still taking more from me, like my peace of mind.

I know this is just work stress talking and that I’ll feel better once things ease up a bit at school.

I just want to be able to breathe again without all this stress and sadness.

I have another session with my therapist next week, so maybe I can air out all my grievances against X then.