#daynightmare

But just as I used to wonder what life would have been like as a girl… I now wonder what life I would have lived if I continued being who I was raised to be.

I don’t ever wanna be him.

In any way.

Me: * in messenger with the person l like*

Me: * hoe you can do it. Just say something*

Me: ...

Me: ...

Person l like: *left messenger*

There’s nothing but black. A sensation of floating, a feeling of anxiety, I couldn’t open my eyes, I don’t think l even have a body. Time doesn’t exist at all. I’ve been there for longest time I can remember. I think this is how soul feels when it leaves the body.

l couldn’t remember my room or myself for 5 seconds. There was something that’s missing, keeping me from the end. I noticed that as l felt my hands got tired from clenching. l have nothing but finger marks in them.

.

I desire freedom even in my subconscious. l realized that l’ve been leaving myself out from the people l care about at some point. A good distance so that when lm gone, they cant be sad for long. lm having plans and saving so at least l won’t cause financial trouble to my family for my funeral. One day l can go and lie down in a forest, having the snow to bury me. l will climb to that cliff and finally know the feeling of falling, of thousands of needles stabbing my skin as l return to the ocean, to finally encounter my biggest fear which will be the cause of my death.

The freedom to be greedy and selfish.

I’ve grown cold, like nothing matters, even about you. it was horrible and relaxed at the same time.

took me a while to realize there’s no different if l talk and don’t talk to you. l’d be extremely happy, but eventually we’d be in a fight again. l actually heard my heart cracked. Then l thought, it’s time to stop.

I think its easy to love you now. l’d come to the point where l can put down the need for you to love me back.

.

Everything was distroyed. Air filled with ashes and buildings burned down with fire. I didnt know where you were or if you were safe or not. I cried and cried, in the back of my mind somehow l knew. My heart felt like it was being tear down, I couldn’t tell whether it was my tear or blood. I’d rather jump out of the car and be at the land where you are.