#dayfortyfive

Urgh, I’m so tired today.

I had a weird romantic dream involving a woman who looked eerily like one of my ex-colleagues from last year named KM. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’ve had one or two romantic dreams about KM when I’m pretty sure I don’t like anything about KM’s personality.

Urgh, KM...

Anyway, the dream was really fluffy and sweet, which I hated as soon as I woke up. Whoever this woman was, we met at some bed and breakfast type place while I was on holiday with my family. We ended up meeting at the bottom of the stairs of the building for a date. When I met this woman there and saw her wearing a simple dress - she looked really pretty. And when she looked at my outfit and said that I looked beautiful, my heart actually thumped with happiness in my chest.

Urgh, disgusting!

That’s how I feel about love and romance in general these days. That’s something I need to actively avoid except in movies and TV shows.

I dressed up really nicely for work today because the teachers and students had to take pictures for the yearbook. I got loads of compliments because I wore a killer knee-length, red and black plaid dress that made my ass looking amazing. I had a bunch of runs in my black pantyhose which sucked though. Still, it felt nice to dress up just for myself.

But for a moment, I missed sending X pictures of myself dressing up for her and looking pretty. And even when I didn’t make a special effort, X always found a way to make me feel beautiful throughout my flaws and imperfections.

I’ll miss that a lot.

But now, I don’t have to impress anyone or fit anyone’s ideas about beauty and perfection. I’m gonna go home soon and order some food for dinner. Weirdly enough, I’m enjoying the romance in the Rocky movies apart from all the wonderful ass-kicking and sexy men beating on each other.