#dayfiftyfive

Meh.

That's been my mood all day.

Just...meh.

I woke up really early, like at 06:20. But I slept for 9 hours last night, so go figure.

I still felt down after X's miss call on Facetime yesterday. Upon further reflection (because I'm OCD, lol), it occurred to me that X's toddler niece could've gotten hold of her iPad as per usual and dialled me by mistake. She did that once before and I overheard what sounded like X eating dinner with her family. When I told X about that first incident, she'd had no idea that I even called her that night thanks to her niece.

So I guess...mystery solved.

If only that actually made me feel better.

When I couldn't fall asleep again, I posted more pics of my trip to the big buddha statue from yesterday on Facebook and Messenger. I think I only did the latter because X is still in my list of contacts; a sadistic part of me wanted her to see how much fun I'm having without her.

Pathetic, right?

Why do I even feel the need to get X's attention? My self-esteem really has nose-dived since the break-up.

I washed my hair at home instead of going to the salon. I've been blowing through too much cash lately, so I figured I'd save myself twenty bucks. Plus, I didn't feel like going to the mall for two hours when I had other work to do at school today.

So I washed and blow dried my hair, then I went to work for a bit. A couple of my colleagues from the Chinese department were there too prepping for their upcoming tests. I didn't stay too long and managed to get away after two hours.

I caved and bought some coffee. It's bad for my gastritis, but I'm getting constant headaches from skipping caffeinated days.

The joys of getting older...

Maybe I can try to manage my minor caffeine addiction without getting too much acid reflux in the process. It feels like breathing gives me acid reflux these days.

I went home after that and bummed around while watching TV, flat-ironing my hair and painting my nails.

I talked to my ex-boyfriend, CH, for most of the day via Kakaotalk. We haven't spoken in a while and I missed him. He's the only one out of my exes that I still have any kind of friendship with. Sometimes I find myself missing what we had before: the passion and simplicty of it all.

But that was a different version of me back then. I've changed so much in the past 8 years since CH and I dated. Still, I'm glad we found our way through the bullshit and drama, even if we lost a lot of good things along the way. I hope CH finds his own version of happiness; I worry about him a lot. Sometimes I feel really guilty about breaking his heart once upon a time. I was so impetuous and 'all-in' with my feelings before we were both ready for a lasting committment. And when CH was finally ready to take the leap with me, I'd already moved on.

Life is shit sometimes.

I'm so tired of the push-and-pull of chemistry and romance. I want things to be simple again: yes or no, love or hate, good timing or bad timing.

Honesty or lies.

Great, now I'm philosophising. Definitely time to mute my morbid thoughts and get ready for bed. I'll read some more of 'Big Little Lies' before I do though - it's a fantastic read!

I have speaking assessments this week. I hope I don't kill any of my students trying to prepare them for it.