#dayeightythree

It’s Sunday again. 

I woke up with a lot of phlegm in my throat (and yes, I shared this with you, lol). So I spent some time drinking warm water from the kettle while reading fanfiction on my iPad. 

My mom always told me that drinking warm water was good for me. I wish I’d listened about 30 years earlier. 

Anyway, I did a lot of lazing about in-between being fairly productive. I caught up on my Chinese drama, cycled to the bank to get my rent money, bought a shit ton of apples off a truck (that’s a thing in China), ordered more bottled water for my apartment, swept my floors again and tried to order a birthday present for my mom. 

That last part was hard, mainly because I’m living away from home and don’t have access to my usual services like access to my OTP’s sent to my phone number. So I had to enlist the help of my dad, P and G to order my mom’s gift for me and I’d just send them the cash back through my account. 

It’s so fun getting your cheque card blocked while buying your then-girlfriend food on a trip from hell while you were still dating...

No matter how much progress I make with moving on from X, there are always these casual reminders of her and what we shared before. 

When I was trying to send my mom’s gift via a courier, I had to look up G’s work address and her work number (I never call her at work. And in doing so, I stumbled onto X’s phone numbers and address still stored in my phone. I really am taking my own sweet time with getting rid of everything to do with X. 

Under X’s address, I made a list of our relationship milestones, which even ended with the break-up milestones too. 

That’s when I realised something. 

On the date that X told me she was ‘diagnosed’ with cancer, it was the same day as the anniversary of my best friend’s death. Technically, my best friend died the day before this day, but I got the news of her death the day after it happened. 

That really fucked with my head for a few seconds. 

Is X never going to stop hurting me in some form or another? 

I guess it means she still has some power over me, and I’m letting her have that power. 

I didn’t get rid of her address and that milestone list yet. 

I’m not ready. 

I’m sure my therapist would disagree, but I respectfully disagree more. I don’t want to pressure myself into holding some massive literal or figurative bonfire to destroy all of X’s stuff and memories all at once. I did that before with KA and I regretted, which only slowed down the moving on process. 

I meant what I said with not taking any shortcuts through this break-up process. It’s gonna be a hard slog up the hill and I’m already sick of it, but I have to do it somehow. 

Still, today was a good day. I rested and pushed myself just a little to test my strength. I hope it’ll be enough rest before work tomorrow.