#dayeightysix

It’s a little vague in my mind, but I dreamt that we were about to kiss. And she stopped me, I can’t remember why. But it wasn’t exactly a bad vibe, it seemed like she was being playful. But I still got a weird feeling in the back of my mind when she pulled away. It was just bizarre because it seemed like we were getting back together. I should’ve been happy about that part because I seemed happy in the dream. But all I could think about was how on Earth I was going to tell G and P that we were back together. They’re not exactly X’s biggest fan for obvious reasons.

I woke up after that, wondering for the umpteenth time why X is still fucking with my head in one form or another.

Work was just exhausting today.

I only had two classes, but my students didn’t listen well and messed around in class. Then I had just a shit ton of papers to prepare for my open classes happening tomorrow. My body hasn’t recovered fully yet either, so I felt sluggish and my throat hurt during intervals.

I texted SH over the weekend and told her I wanted to talk to her about SB’s behavior in class. I finally came clean and told her about what happened during Golden Bell last semester: I made a video of SB throwing another rage tantrum in class and he responded by hitting me repeatedly on my arms and shoulders and tried to take my phone away from me.

I tried to forget about it and move on, but the day keeps haunting my waking thoughts and my dreams even now. SH was shocked when she saw the footage and she recommended that I talk to H about it because she’s my supervisor and the head of the Elementary English Department at our school.

I know that’s the right thing to do, but I honestly don’t feel good about it for several reasons. I honestly don’t trust H enough to support me through this. I feel like H will focus on the fact that I recorded a child in class instead of the fact that he basically assaulted me. And somehow, it will become a blame game and I feel like I’ll be blamed the most as SB’s teacher. And that could affect my chances of getting a letter of reference from the school, which could jeopardize my chances of working for a longer time in China.

Still, I have to try and do the right thing and stand up for myself. The school needs to know about this and that should take precedence over my career goals for the future. Maybe I can talk to Hye Jin on Friday after my open classes are done and just go from there.

I honestly don’t know what will happen after this. It feels like a Catch 22: damned if I tell, damned if I don’t tell.

I’m just tired of certain people using and abusing me. I deserve better than this. I just want to be free from all this stress and unhappiness in my life.

I hope I can take my mind off everything that’s worrying me and making me unhappy tonight. My body and brain need rest tonight more than anything.