In Enemy Colors Chapter 2
Azzi
I wish I could say what I was telling everyone was the truth- that my eyes were red and my lips were trembling because we lost, not because of some blonde who knew me like she knew the sky was blue. I was good at keeping up my competitive mask on the court but as soon as we got back into that tunnel I broke. Everyone just assumed that it was because we lost against the team I once played for, they didn't know about me and Paige. They didn't understand the late night shooting sessions, the movie marathons, the late nights tangled in our dorms talking about our future- together.
I always knew how to read Paige. I knew from practically living together during Covid, I knew from the late night promises, but I couldn't. I couldn't read past the cold look she had when she called me that name. The name that she used to whisper against my lips, so soft. It felt like every single time I looked at her and couldn't read exactly what she was feeling I was losing a part of her. And maybe I was. That's what hurt the most.
As I lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling while Chloe's soft snores came from the other bed. I was still hung up on playing against Paige today. I've never known anything besides playing with her. And God I hope I made the right decision. I hoped that I didn't make a selfish decision that set both of our futures back. I hoped that I didn’t set her back, I hoped that this was just something we both weren't used to. I badly wanted to tell her, to run back to her and tell her everything- why I left, why I didn't tell her. There were so many things that I wanted to say- couldn't. It would ruin Paige, which is why I will make sure my secret will never get out, no matter what.
I needed to get out, I needed to get out of this hotel room that I should be sharing with Paige, from everything. So I went to the one escape I had, basketball.
The squeak of my sneakers against the polished gym floor of the dark practice facility seemed too quiet for my loud thoughts. I looked up at the banners, championships, players, all time greats. Those banners were why I committed, I wanted to be the best, I wanted championships, wins, a legacy. Yet I was always held back, by the person who was supposed to push me forward, by the person I thought I was always going to be beside, not behind. Not in their shadow.
Flashback: “I can't do it mom, I can't keep living in Paige's shadow, not when I know that I'm so much more than just someone there to make her look good.” Here I was sitting in my dorm after my 30 piece win. I had hit eight threes, and yet all the media cared about was Paige. Paige Bueckers, truly knows how to read the court. Always contributing even if it's not through scoring 8 assists! I had those 8 assists. Nothing the media had to say was about me, it was only about Paige, as if I couldn't score 8 threes without Paige's help. “So go out there, go out there and prove that you're so much more.” my moms gentle words always had a way of getting through to me, but not this time, not after 3 years of trying to prove myself. “I can't, not when this whole team is built around her.” “So go out there, go out and find a new team, a team that will really let you Azzi. Not Paige's sidekick.” I had never thought about that before, about the transfer portal, I had always envisioned myself here at UConn with Paige, with Geno. Suddenly 3 knocks broke my thoughts. Paige. Three knocks were our thing ever since forever. “Sorry mom I have to go” I rushed out trying to wipe my tears.
“Hey Az! Guess who brought Tru Fruit!” Paige's bright smile always pulled a laugh out of me. She plopped down on my bed and placed a quick kiss on my lips. When she pulled back I could tell she was studying me, my eyes, like she could read me. I hoped she couldn't tell I had been crying, but at last, there was no hope, she knew me too well. Her bright eyes and huge smile softened, “Hey you okay? You kinda look like you've been crying ""Yea it's nothing my knee is just feeling kinda sore.” Before her eyes even got a chance to fully widen she was already there massaging and pressing kisses to my knee. I breathed out a laugh and stared down at her blond hair tickling my legs. This is why I can't bring myself to leave. Why can't I bring myself to leave her. Us.
That night though, as Paige and I fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, I couldn't help but think about what the media said. I stared at the ceiling and thought about what it would feel like to have my name in the headlines without being Paige's guinea pig. So as Paige slept soundly soft breath against my shirt I took my phone and searched up the transfer portal. As I stared at it my breath felt unsteady. I looked back at Paige, she looked so at peace, and suddenly I couldn't do it. I closed my phone and muttered under my breath."What do you think you're doing? You can't just leave the girl who has all her trust in you.” End of Flashback.
Now here I am in South Carolina with Coach Staley. Everything felt like it should be right. I was absolutely dominating, finally getting the recognition I deserved; a team built around me, headlines featuring me. It was everything I wanted for myself, for my career, yet every win felt hollow, empty, like something was missing. It felt like I was going through the motions but I wasn't feeling every win. I wasn't at Teds squished between Aubrey and Nika, watching Paige and KK dancing on the dance floor. It felt more like a house and less like a home.
“I don't know if you know this, but maybe you've been gone too long to remember." The confident voice I always knew I could trust broke my train of thoughts. Paige. Face cold as ever jaw clenched shut. “But the practice facility is only for players. Current players. Not the ones that just disappear out of nowhere.” The tension in the air felt too thick. I had to get out. I couldn't talk or I would break. “Im sorry, I just needed somewhere to think. I’ll get out of your gym.” Even after I said that I couldn't bring myself to move. Here we were. The two of us together in a gym alone, for the first time in too long. I can still remember the first time in Team USA, sneaking out of our hotels far past lights out. Shooing, pushing each other, friendly competition, laughter. Except this was different, we had nothing to say to each other, we were competitors no longer love sick teenagers.
Before I could even make my move to leave Paige interrupted me. “Why did you leave?” The question was so quiet yet so loud. I stared at her, willing myself to say anything. I put my head down and started speedwalking out of there. “I'm sorry I should be in here.” I felt tears brimming my eyes. “Yea just go ahead and leave, cuz that's what you do best right. Leaving people alone just because the situation doesn't fit you.” That made me stop in my tracks. I turned back towards her until we were toe to toe. So close I swear I could feel her lips if I just leaned in a little closer.
“I stayed. I stayed for you, for us. I stayed for three years being happy for you. For 3 years I stayed even when the situation didn't always suit me. So god forbid that for one year. One year. I just wanted to choose myself, choose a place when the situation does fit me.”
Paige scoffed, looking confused. “What do you mean Z? We were perfect, me and you. UConns ultimate backcourt duo.”
“No Paige. WE weren't perfect, YOU were perfect. I was just an object there to make you look perfect. Do you know how much that hurt? I committed to UConn expecting to be right there besides you, to be on the same level. But not once did I get the credit I deserved. Not once did the media recognize me. But you know what? The media wasn't even the one that hurt the most. I don't know those people, I don't care about them. But you… Paige, you never stuck up for me, not even once, and that's what hurt me the most.” I could feel my vision getting foggy, my voice breaking. “When you asked me to follow you to UConn, I trusted you, I thought we would be great together, clearly I was wrong.” Throughout my whole speech Paige was quiet until finally, in a broken voice she whispered back, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend, teammate, girlfriend.”
My heart broke at that. Never did I think Paige was a bad friend or teammate. I loved her more than I ever thought I could love anyone. And that was the problem. “Paige, never did I think you failed as a girlfriend. I loved you. I loved you too much, and that was the problem. When we started dating. We made an agreement, basketball always came first, that is why we began dating in the first place, we both knew that we were equally committed to basketball.” I left it at that, I turned around and began walking out. Just as I reached the door I heard Paige turn towards me and whisper, almost into the darkness. “You know you can trust me right. I'll always be there for you, even if we're no longer friends.” I turned around and gave him a smile, not my trained media smile, a thin restrained smile. “Yea. I do.”
